Author: “Did you get the invite to my book launch? You can buy it there! I’ll be signing them personally!”

Friend: "Generic Excuse”

Author: Um, did you just mumble “generic excuse” as an excuse to not attend my first book signing?

Friend: *Avoids eye contact*

“My lowest turnout was one. That's more humiliating than none because there's a witness and you can’t pretend it didn’t happen.” — author and journalist Lisa Belkin (@lisabelkin)

**Content warning: may be triggering for any author who has done or is preparing for book signings**

Last week, just as I was trying to finish this piece, I received a “Save The Date” email from author Rona Maynard for the launch party for her upcoming memoir, “Starter Dog: My Path to Joy, Belonging and Loving This World.”

I immediately responded, writing her that her ears must have been ringing as I was writing about low author book signing turnouts, and that getting her email made me “so happy,” before telling her to “count me in — baring any real emergencies.” 

I like attending launches to support the author not just by my presence, but to buy the book and have it signed. Mostly, to buy the book, which is the point of holding a launch — to sell books.

I also asked her to send a reminder. “How wonderful!" she responded. “I will absolutely send a reminder and would love to meet you. Every book sold at the reading will be not only signed but paw printed using a custom rubber stamp…”

She also shared a story about her pre-published author days, when she decided to skip a friend’s book launch because it was snowing hard, and didn't feel like traveling two subway stops. “I can buy the book another time,” she told herself. 

Meanwhile the author is waiting with expensive nibbles for "fainthearted friends who never showed." 

She did buy the book and her friend graciously signed it, without any mention of her no-show. “At the time I had no idea how meaningful it was for friends and fans to show up at the launch. When they can't be bothered, it’s so deflating,” she responded.

 

Often, I think the definition of an author should be something along the lines of “Authors are a breed of underappreciated people who risk financial ruin, general mental wellbeing, and public humiliation — all in the pursuit of a better life selling books.”

There is nothing more humiliating for an author than a low-turnout at a book signing — the purpose of which is to sell books. Well, actually there is, which is when zero people attend your book signing, even after dozens of people have RSVP'd “Will Attend.” 

It happens. A lot.

So, for most of the authors I know — not all — it seems book signings are just a series of humiliating awkward events (with washroom breaks.)

Authors have been complaining about book signings for decades, yet they, or their publishing house, continue to host them. 

“The week after I hit the NY Times List, I had a bookstore signing in my hometown. They had radio advertisements, newspaper advertisements, and signs in the windows. When I arrived, after a two-hour drive, they had set up a whole room for me, including a nice spread of snacks. It was great weather, no other competing events, so basically the perfect set-up for a book signing. Not one. Single. Person. Showed. Up. Not One,” an author shared about one of her own book signings TEN years ago. To this day, they are still traumatized by that unforgettable evening (unforgettable, unfortunately, for all the wrong reasons).

The story I’m about to share has already been covered widely, but one that I just can’t stop thinking about, as I set up signings for RE:Books authors.

The story goes like this..

 

Almost 40 people had RSVP'd to debut author Chelsea Banning's first official book signing at an Ohio bookstore, Pretty Good Books, early last year. 

Banning, 33, had been working on her fantasy novel, Of Crowns and Legends — the first of a trilogy— for more than 15 years. (She began working on the fantasy novel in high school.) 

She had told the store owner to “Brace himself for a full crowd.” EEK! (Never make any promises in publishing.)

Banning had been working tirelessly on social media — as authors must do — to promote her book and get people to show up. 

Yet when her Big Night came…only two people came out. 

"I was discouraged and bummed and I felt bad that the bookstore owner opened his store for me," Banning shared here.

Deflated and “at her breaking point,” the next morning, on a whim, she took to social media to express her disappointment on Twitter: "Only 2 people came to my author signing yesterday, so I was pretty bummed about it. Especially as 37 people responded 'going' to the event. Kind of upset, honestly, and a little embarrassed.”

“I just needed to vent a little where I thought a lot of people wouldn’t see it and I wouldn’t come off as ungrateful,” Banning explained. “My Twitter is usually pretty quiet.”

Not with this one particular tweet, however, which hit a nerve across the author community, garnering comments from Big Household Name Authors to hundreds of other authors, consoling her with their own sad tales of low turnouts. 

After scrolling and reading the thousands of comments her tweet garnered, I've compiled my all-time favourite below, from whom I’ll now refer to as members of the Low Turnout Crowd.

Many authors who chimed in seemed to be competing for trying to outdo each other with “Best Lowest Book Signing Turnout Story Ever,” as if being demoralized by low turnouts to their own book launches or signings was a blood sport. 

Here’s a taste of some responses to Banning's admission of disappointment and embarrassment at her low turnout. (I’ve complied more below so keep scrolling!)

“Zero people came to my first reading. I ended up drinking a glass of wine with the events coordinator and trying not to cry. It’s a rite of passage many of us have been through.” (Or is it a “write of passage?”)

"I once did a book signing at a book festival where I was mobbed by a group of who I thought were fans. Turned out, the service dog belonging to the author at the table next to me was laying in front of my table sleeping. They were all lining up to pet him. Nobody bought my book.”

“Three books in and I did a signing at Costco with….crickets. I spent most of the signing telling shoppers I had no idea where the paper towels or bacon was.”

“I had to sit at a signing table once in an airport. For TWO HOURS. Nobody came to buy a book but a zillion people came to ask me their gate numbers. In the end I just memorized the gate numbers and helped them out.”

 “…was once signing books and a woman came up with a John Grisham novel. When I pointed out it wasn’t written by me she asked if I was signing books or not! So I signed it 'with love from me and John Grisham’….” author Sheila O’Flanagan commented.

Within hours of Banning’s raw, honest and succinct tweet, she was overwhelmed with an outpouring of support from other writers and authors, including a few celebrity names interacting with her post.

Her tweet (above) has been liked almost 80,000 times and received almost 4000 responses from writers around the world.

But, wait! Before you feel sorry for her — and the fact I can and have safely carpooled more kids in my little Mercedes than showed up to her book signing — her tweet about dismal attendance at her book signing, turned out to be the best promotion she could have asked for. 

“Excellent first novel! I bought the book because I wanted to support the author after her crushing book signing fiasco. I didn't know what it was about. I hadn’t read any reviews. And I had no expectations. What a great surprise!…” wrote one reviewer on Amazon.

Another? “I was curious about this book because of a Twitter thread I saw and a newspaper article about the author signing..." wrote another. 

I was pleasantly surprised to see that there ARE authors full of compassion, camaraderie, and most importantly a sense of humour.

Plus, I’m a proud member of The Low Turnout Club. 

For one of my books, my publisher flew me to Calgary setting up interviews and a few readings. 

Oh Calgary, which is a city I’ve both lived in and gave birth to my daughter in, and can sometimes make you feel like you're stuck in a snow globe and, out of nowhere, some asshole starts shaking it, whenever they damn well please.

My book signing was in May — MAY! — and about four hours before I was scheduled to speak, a blizzard appeared out of nowhere.

Of course I was secretly hoping they’d cancel the event…but they did not. 

Maybe they thought people would still come out? Meanwhile, my brain flooded with thoughts of how I could get out of this — like the feeling you get when you make plans when you’re in a good mood versus when the day comes and you actually have to go.

Three of those hours — leading up to this signing — were spent  trying to get myself pumped up to go out, in a fucking blizzard and at least one of those hours was me trying to think of a plausible reason for bailing, by coming up with a completely non-plausible excuse like, “I’m so, so sorry to bail last minute. My son ate the cat food and the cat ate my son’s food. Now they’re both puking. I can't make it tonight. Maybe next time?” (I don't own a cat.)

But there would be no next time, so I arrived exactly on time, literally risking my life, by getting there in torturous driving conditions. 

When I walked in, I was completely taken aback by the less-than-stellar turnout. 

And by completely taken aback I mean completely expected. 

Even though my  book was on the Calgary Herald’s bestsellers list and there was promotion leading up to the signing, I was left wondering if I should explain to the TWO people in attendance that, “No, really. I have friends and fans. They are just invisible.”

Oh, I should probably mention the two people who did turn up? They were paid to be there. My audience of two both worked at the venue. 

You know that feeling when plans you made that you never want to make in the first place get cancelled? I've never related to anything more in my entire life, as I looked for a fire alarm to pull. Yes, that was the length I was willing to go to to get out of there. 

Then my next book came out and I was contractually obligated to show up at another bookstore, which was hosting a local book club just outside the GTA. I think it was in Vaughn or maybe Brampton, but what I do know for certain is that around six people showed up, so it became more of a discussion pile-on. 

One woman came out took over my launch to tell me how much she detested my book. I mean, she could have emailed me that she hated my book, but apparently needed to tell me this in person, and boy did she make it clear as crystal how much she hated the book. She did most of the talking, as I again found my eyes darting to find a fire alarm. 

She most definitely was not on the side of normal people who tell themselves, “I wish I could go, but I don't want to leave my house.” Well, this woman pretty much came out just to go on a rampage tell me how much I suck. Fun times!

So what does an author do when you’re in a large room and some random woman goes on about how much she hates your book? Well, I’m ME, so it went like this:

Hater At Book Signing: Your book is total trash!

Me: It looks like you read it in the bath.

Hater At Book Signing: I did. Twice. It made me so angry.

Me: Did you buy it?

Hater at Book Signing: I bought it. And regret it!

Me: Thank you for the sale!

Hater: …

"Signing books for 300 people a night isn't hard...signing a book for 3 people? That's hard.” author David Sedaris once said.

Alas, I try and show up to authors' signings to show my support and also because my Jewish D.N.A if I’m making a fake-ass excuse not to show up at an author’s signing, consumes me with guilt. And, quite frankly, the fear of cosmetic justice outweighs the short-term relief of not having to get of the couch, out of sweatpants, leaving my house.

Some optimist commented that a low author turnout is not a reflection on you or your work — I always remember what my father once said to me in a similar situation, “care for those one or two people: they are your most important audience! Treat them as if they are the multitudes! And treasure their presence rather than missing those not there,” wrote one. 

“I worked at a bookstore for 15 years. No one showing up for a signing is unfortunately not unusual, even for bigger-name authors. So two is actually pretty OK!” Another optimistic person chimed in.

Yet still, publishers — including RE:Books — set up these events even though an alarming number of authors (seen below) shared their painful experiences.

This is why RE:Books has hired a therapist on staff, to go along to book signings, along with a publicist. (I’m kidding. Or am I?)

Seeing all these authors, including some extremely well-known ones, share their low-turnout book-signing events should oddly give authors hope. Or at least a sigh of relief that they aren’t alone.

33 Authors On Their Most Demoralizing And Hilarious Book Signing Experiences.

1. “I once did a book signing at a book festival where I was mobbed by a group of who I thought were fans. Turned out, the service dog belonging to the author at the table next to me was laying in from of my table sleeping. They were all lining up to pet him 

Nobody bought my book.”

2. "For my first book, I had a signing scheduled at a bookstore in DC. About two people showed up. Demoralizing."

3. “Once, I had to drive through pelting rain in rush hour on unfamiliar highways only to give my talk to the bookshop owner and his mom.”

4. ”On tour for a new book, one that was well-reviewed EVERYWHERE. On Pub day, I’m at a store that specifically requested me. Not a single person shows up. Not one. Next day, new town, new store, new chance! Same number of people show up. Zilch. Zero.”

5. “I did a signing for my George Lucas bio where the store ordered two gigantic piles of books. No one showed. The store very kindly blamed the weather, since snow had been in the forecast. It did not snow.”

6. “My first signing for my first book ever was at a street fair attended by thousands of people. I was the local bookstore’s featured author. I sold zero books.”

7. “I did a book signing where I sat alone at a table inside a bookshop for a couple of hours. A nice old lady came up to me and said ‘I don't want to buy a book, but can I shake your hand?’ I've never met an actual author.’ So it wasn't a wasted day after all.”

8. “It happens to everybody. I once sat, alone, for an hour next an enormous pile of my books on one side, and an enormous photo of me on the other side. The only interaction I had during the well-publicized event was a passerby who said to me, “You wrote this book? Cool!”

9. “Hahaha I once did a reading that was a bunch of my in-laws sitting in the back row with frozen smiles, and like three people in the front row, and fifteen rows of empty chairs between them.”

10. “My first signing for my first book ever was at a street fair attended by thousands of people. I was the local bookstore’s featured author. I sold zero books.”

11. “For my first book my publisher flew me out to the US — from England — for events. First one, in Boston, the only two people there were my chaperone and a man looking for shelter from the weather. Last one, in LA: almost identical except no one in LA needs shelter from the weather.”

12. "I has to sit at a signing table once in Airport. For TWO HOURS. Nobody came to buy a book but a zillion people came to ask me their gate numbers. In the end I just memorized the gate numbers and helped them out.”

13. Been there. I’ve had at least four or five signings with zero people showing up to get something signed over a career that includes 14 large press books do far. I’m sure it’ll happen again. Welcome to the family, you’ll find it gets easier with time.”

14. “Did a signing at a book store in Berkeley, 2nd book, I think. No one showed up. NO ONE. The owner locked the doors and I sat on the floor in an aisle and read a passage to the owner, his employee, and the guy who was kind enough to drive me there (a friend).”

15. “Oof, the worst. My favourite game to play with other authors is "Describe your worst reading." One of my favourites involves kids with water guns, and another involves the author getting sprayed by a feral cat.”

17. “Just six weeks ago, I sat in the green room of a writers’ festival for a half hour before someone noticed and told me the event had been cancelled b/c no one bought a ticket. Have faith!”

18. “Once, at  a Festival of Books, I was at a signing table right next to the signing table of Diana Gabaldon, whose line stretched miles. Two people came to my table, one to get me to sign a copy of my book (yay!), the other to ask if I was Diana Gabaldon's agent.”

19. “I have sat lonely at a signing table many times only to have someone approach…and ask me where the bathroom is.”

20. “Was once signing books and a woman came up with a john Grisham novel. When i pointed out it wasn’t written by me she asked if i was signing books or not! So i signed it with love from me and John Grisham.”

21. “I worked on my first book for 4 years. Six people came to the first reading. One person was someone I knew who foresaw the worst and brought 4 family members. The sixth person came in out of the rain. When you don't know whether to laugh or cry, laugh….”

22. I” did a book reading where only my husband’s cousin showed up. One person. I’ll never forget that reading.”

23. “We’ve all been there. I once did a talk at a library and five people turned up, including a mum who planted her two infant school children in front of me and then strategically 'withdrew' to get some peace for a while.”

24. "Zero people came to my first reading. I ended up drinking a glass of wine with the events coordinator and trying not to cry. It’s a rite of passage many of us have been through.”

25. You are not alone! For my first book the publisher held a media event and three came —two friends from my newspaper and a journalist from another paper who wrote a gossip item about what a loser I was.”

26. “I did an event for my second novel where I was on a panel of 4. The only thing that connected us was we all had written books with ‘Home’ in the title. There were 4 people in the audience. One per author…

27. “I once did a reading in Glasgow. The trains were delayed so the publicist and I flew from London. One person came. The bookseller was charming and told me it often happens, even with big name authors. I resisted the temptation to say ‘I am big - it’s the audiences that got small.”

28. “I once had a interview about my book with two people in a sixty person room. Neither one bought the book.”

29. “I did a signing in Cambridge and only one person showed up. He didn't buy a book; he just wanted to tell someone that he’d had dream about being a wizard.”

31. “Three books in and I did a signing at Costco with….crickets. I spent most of the signing telling shoppers I had no idea where the paper towels or bacon was.”