Send help! Or, rather, “shelf-help!” At present, I'm surrounded by 15 self-help books, stacked on my bedside table that at any time could topple over and kill me. 

Sorry, I meant, I’m surrounded by “self-improvement books.” 

Apparently, even the word "self-help" needed improvement — which is why people read this genre, to upgrade some aspect of their lives. “Self-help” is now often referred to as the more modernized “self-improvement,” or the even fancier "betterment literature.”

Ever since my daughter went off to college, I’ve been addicted to this genre. I’ve been binge-reading book after book, after sobbing hysterically on my daughter’s empty bed, blubbering to myself, “What is my purpose? Where am I going to find it? Life…hurts!”

An acquaintance of mine recommended a book that just happened to be a self-help book, of which the subtext was, “Lighten the fuck up! You have so much to be grateful for.” It worked. After reading the first five chapters, I didn’t feel as lonely or as miserable. I was back to being grateful that my daughter is having the time of her life. I felt a sense of relief!

It turns out I've been reading self-help books my entire life without even knowing it. (You’ll see why in a sec!)

By then, I realized I was already an addict, having ordered four or five more books that would teach me how to “live my best life” and excited at the prospect of gleaning insights, advice, and instructions on how to continue to improve my life.

Which makes sense. Studies have shown that when you read an inspiring book, listen to an inspiring podcast, or watch an inspiring YouTube video, you flood your brain with positive words and uplifting concepts, all of which should change your mindset to be a more positive one. 

So basically, it’s like crack. 

There are now 18 million books published a year in this genre, so apparently I'm not alone in needing a fix, even if it is a bandaid. 

After being sucked into “People also bought…” on a bookstore website, it appears I need to upgrade every aspect of my life, including ones I didn’t know needed betterment. There are books chock full of solutions to improving almost every aspect of being, um, you know, human?

Plus, by reading so many of these books, there was virtually no time left to face the fact I was lonely and missed my daughter. Some were eyeball entertainment.

Just yesterday, I fell into a trap reading a self-improvement book before bed (where the author promised me that I would be an overnight success), yet this morning I woke up…feeling like I always do — wanting to go back to bed. (Maybe because the book was boring, and I didn’t bother to get past page 24? Maybe the answer is on page 102? I’ll check later if I remember!)  A bed, mind you, that I have recently started to make every morning, because I read that if I start my day by making my bed, then my day will turn out to be a good one because I’ve already accomplished something, thus I should feel good about myself, thus I'll have a great attitude the entire day.

Right now, it’s exactly 3:34 p.m. so it’s time to take my medicine socks off, because I also read in one of my self-improvement books, in a section called “Immediate tips to feel better INSTANTLY,”  (their capitalization) I’m supposed to change my socks mid-day because I’ll INSTANTLY (my capitalization) feel refreshed and renewed, and therefore get back to working on living my best badass life.

But can you imagine, in a pre-Covid life, when we actually worked alongside people in an office, saying to a colleague, “Oh, shit. I forgot my socks today. Do you happen to have another pair?” Or leaving a meeting and saying, “I’m feeling a bit worthless right now, so I’m just going to change my socks.” People would think you were coconuts.

But the most important thing that every expert on self-improvement agrees with is this: what you gain from a self-help book depends on what you put in. It takes more than just reading the book to gain anything…thus my huge lifestyle change of a mid-day sock change, not to mention making my bed.

No, I'm in no way mocking self-help — I mean, self-improvement books. Quite the opposite! According to my research, the self-improvement industry is predicted to be worth 13.2 billion dollars by 2022. It’s clearly a genre that has grown exponentially, and it certainly helps that the stigma once attached to the words “self-help” has been obliterated.

It’s true. Many self-help book buyers don’t give AF if you see them reading one. Their covers are often so bright they could be used as a flashlight, so they’re hard to miss. 

If you haven’t read one before, they sort of feel like reading a good novel or a memoir, often with a great sense of humour, and always with nuggets of wisdom and inspirational affirmations. 

Plus, I love a good shortcut. I'm not talking about hair; I'm talking about a shortcut to feeling a greater sense of joy, being grateful for what I have, and learning how to “live my best life!” (Which includes calling my hairdresser and maybe a jab of botox?)

I lean towards books on success and productivity because I’m….a procrastinator. And honestly, reading affirmations from someone else gives me a confidence booster, sort of like the book is giving me a pat on the back. Plus, what’s wrong with trying to do better and be better? No shame in that.

As a newfound self-help junkie, I was enjoying my latest fix until I got to page 83 of this 300-page + book about what “successful people do differently” when I read that people don’t need advice — they need a listening ear and time to just be and breathe, and continue to explore their undirected journey.

To which I thought, “But your entire book so far has been about giving me advice, so WTF am I reading this for if you're telling me 1/4 through the book I’m going to find my journey to my best self anyway, without any advice?”

I don't know what then prompted me to look at the author’s bio — the title was catchy enough for me to hit “Buy now!” — but when I did, I was so turned off by the author’s photo, it led me to want to punch them in the face think, “Who are you to tell me that I’m not already successful? You don't know me! What makes you qualified to tell me how to be the best version of myself?”

So, if the purpose of this book was to change my attitude or mindset, well then, it worked.

I instantly became a moody bitch (which is the title of another self-help book that I truly enjoyed! Check out the story I wrote about the unsexiest word ever, menopause in “The M Word No One Wants to Hear, and it’s Not Manuscript!).

Apparently, all that work I had done making my bed and changing my socks was for nothing. Zero. Naught! It put me in such a foul mood, in fact, that I ditched my plans because I had “mood poisoning.”

This is another common criticism of this genre, especially if you binge read them as I have: You start to wonder, “Are these books actually helping me, or are they making me feel like a failure? Because I just read three books about other people who grew start-ups and became overnight successes, with 100k new followers, while I work up with nine new followers?

(Does anyone else find it super ironic that many of these self-improvement/how-to-be-a-success books were written by people who weren’t a success until they wrote a book on how to be a success?)

But, by the sheer number of people buying this genre, everybody wants to be better, feel better, do better at something. Everyone is looking for a quick fix or some huge sign from the universe that they’re on the right path.

There is very little knowledge on how effective, or how uneffective, these books are. Some statistics claim that about 80% of self-help books are “repeat buyers” — which would show that this genre is either THAT addictive or…that these books don’t work at all.

Interestingly, studies have also shown that just the act of buying a self-help book makes readers feel better (though I can say the same about buying literally anything. Shopping is an adrenaline rush, am I right?).

Other statistics show that most buyers of self-help books don’t read more than the first 20 pages…if they open them at all. 

Here’s another one: Studies have shown that women read self-help books more often and more purposely than men, who generally read books relating to careers and money; women tend to read books about relationships.

So, the effectiveness of self-help books is debatable. Some books, like those written by Brené Brown, Gretchen Rubin, and Michelle Obama, are so damn insightful that I pretty much end up highlighting the whole book. (Writing this reminds me of a self-improvement tip I learned in school: Highlighting certain sentences will help you retain the information. Which is also why I don’t mind when a book from the library is marked up by others — it always makes me wonder, “Why did this person underline THAT sentence? Why did they circle THAT paragraph? What’s going on in THEIR life?”)

The truth is, most people don’t need a book to tell them how to be happier (get rid of toxic friends, unplug and enjoy being in the present) or healthier (eat your greens and get a lot of sleep) or how to be successful (keep your focus, don’t give up) or how to be less of a stress head (learn to say no, go for a walk) or how to practice gratitude (journalling like I do, thanks to The Artist Way, by putting things into perspective and not sweating the small stuff).

There is a ton of bad betterment literature where the content is super simplistic, containing nothing profound or groundbreaking, and mostly filled with common sense statements. Candidly, many of these books could be condensed to a couple paragraphs, if not a sentence, like, “Stop being an asshole, okay?” or “Just lower your expectations.” 

Our rational selves know that reading these books aren’t a cure-all, and probably won’t fix our money problems or have the magical ability to send Brad Pitt to our doorstep with flowers, ready to whisk you away on a private jet to Cabo.

But our aspirational selves will keep yearning to buy just one more to keep us satisfied, akin to retail shopping. My rational self, especially staring at my clothes for months, knows that I do not ever need to buy another item of clothing ever again. But my aspirational self says, “Fuck it, I know I already own 15 pairs of black jeans, but still I'm going to buy a new pair that I saw in Vogue! PLUS I’ll need two more pairs in different colours.” 

Almost all research on self-help or self-improvement literature agrees that they DO work, but the effects are only temporary. And, also, you have to put in the work, which…

Aren't I already putting in the work by reading the book? (The title promised that the author had all the solutions, for pete’s sake. It says so right on the cover!)

Anyway, I ended up sobbing on my daughter’s bed again last week when I saw her bookshelves. I manically jumped up and went to my son’s room — he was at school — to look at his bookshelves and began pulling out book after book. 

For hours and hours, I sat on the hardwood floor and read tried and true children's books, one’s that I read not just to my children, but when I was a child.

Everything that I needed to hear was…right there.

“How much good inside a day? Depends how good you live ‘em.” — Shel Silverstein, A Light In the Attic

“Be who you are and say how you feel, because those who mind don’t matter and those who matter don’t mind.” — Dr. Seuss, The Cat in the Hat

“You are braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think.” — A.A. Milne, Winnie-the-Pooh

"You have been my friend. That in itself is a tremendous thing." — E.B. white, Charlotte's Web

“A person who has good thoughts cannot ever be ugly…if you have good thoughts they will shine out of your face like sunbeams and you will always look lovely.” — Roald Dahl, The Twits.

“Promise me you’ll always remember that you are braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think." Lewis Caroll, Alice in Wonderland.

And the best of all?

"I think I can, I think I can, I think I can. I know I can!” — Watty Piper, The Little Engine that Could

I didn't need to order all the books on my self-help book binge. These sentences have always been somewhere in my brain and just as affirming, if not more so, than adult books. So if you want a quick fix when you’re feeling down, unmotivated, or worthless, read a classic children’s book. (Including the one that I wrote with Erica Ehm!)

Now, I'm off to stare at the shoes by my front door, which is supposed to motivate me to get my ass outside and exercise but is actually making me feel bad because I don’t want to. 

On second thought, these freshly changed socks are so damn comfy, I may just end up taking a nap instead (in my neatly made bed!).

Until next time, flip your hair and make your bed…and start carrying around a pair of socks with your masks! 

xo

Rebecca

P.S. Read the next section about why the “M word” is the most unsexy word in the English language (but may also be the reason for my moody bitch persona these days!).