“Why did banks attach chains to their cheap AF pens? If I am trusting you with my money, shouldn't they trust me with their pens?”

—re:books

I know two things, for a fact, about My Guy. He hates mashed potatoes. And he is a Pen Person Partner.

Personally, I’ve never bonded with a pen prior to about a year ago. I just used to, you know, walk around, like a free spirit, not regarding pens as anything more than I thought they actually were — which were pens.

Shocking as it may seem, I’ve never thought of getting to know all the bitten cap chewed BIC pens over the years. That is…

Until I met My Guy, learned the importance of owning a good pen, and spent a small fortune on a Santos De Cartier ballpoint pen, with engraved metal and a gold finish. (For a whopping $500!!) 

Until I met My Guy, I was literally a writer who never went anywhere with writing instruments, making dumb jokes at important meetings like, “I know! I’m, like, the only writer without a pen!” Or, “I know! I grabbed my kid’s Hello Kitty pencil crayon in pink!” I have even shown up to meetings with those four-coloured, clicky pens because, you know, kids and who doesn’t have a soft spot for those pens?.

Now here’s how My Guy turned me onto The Power Pen and why I should really be using one, especially at business meetings, and why you too need to own and use a nice pen. It actually works, so keep reading, because I’m now convinced that us women in particular need to own at least one good pen. 

My Guy has not reached the level of posting photos of himself displaying his insane amount of pens on Instagram — because I’m not sure he’s on Instagram — but, shall we say, he’s a pen enthusiast or has a pen problem. Not kidding when I share that his eyes, pretty much, start twitching if he doesn’t use his specific pens to sign different documents.

Last week, he left for his law firm’s four day retreat in Newfoundland and just like any other time he flies, My Guy refuses to travel with his favourite pen. He’s not only so worried he will misplace his precious pen, but more importantly something about gravity and flying could ruin the ink. (He orders ink refills by the box!)

“Who is she?” I asked, like a jealous woman, as I looked at My Guy’s pens.

He told me he uses a black Montblanc ballpoint and that he uses a gel refill designed to fit his Montblanc. Re:fills, mind you, that he orders…by the box! 

So, of course I became obsessed with his mistress pen. Who was she and what did this type of pen — apparently worthy of a body guard —  say about My Guy?

According to one article I read on what your pen selection says, specifically about My Guy’s pen? “The users of these pens are decision-makers who love to take charge when something needs to be fixed. Their demands and needs are often legit. Although a good budget manager, they don’t mind spending at places when it is required.”

That is a fairly accurate description of My Guy: And this is a guy who definitely thinks before he inks. Click back here later to see why authors and memoirists should Think Before They Ink!)

I suppose I'm lucky. In our more than five-plus blissful years together, I have yet to see My Guy drop one of his precious pens. So, I have not yet witnessed what would happen, in what would be a heart-stopping moment for him, checking whether one of his precious pens had been damaged. 

In fact, sometimes I would like to see the same expression on My Guy’s face whenever he sees me — sheer joy, excitement, and I’m going to add drooling and salivating — just as his expression looks when he’s with his friends pens.

Pens, mind you, that are not to be messed with. (However, I’m sure if I added the letter "i" and then the letter “s" to the word “pen”? Maybe things would be different.…)

It’s actually a pretty cool story that turned My Guy on to me pens! In his early days of being a tax litigator, after he won his first trial and went to celebrate with his client, his client told him, “I notice that you dress the part, you act the part, but your pen doesn’t match the part.”

The client gifted him a luxury pen…and, apparently, along with the pen, a life-long lesson that was inked into his brain forever and now passed onto me. (Check out Part Two about what Jewish people think about ink — tattoos!”)

 Once I made the mistake of using a beautiful heavy pen in My Guy’s home office, frantic on the phone, needing to jot down some confirmation number.

Um…

By the terrified and anxious look of horror on My Guy’s face when he saw me holding it? He broke up with me. I’m kidding, but I’m not kidding when I say you'd think I touched and then flushed one of the world’s most valuable diamonds, worth about $350 million dollars — The Hope Diamond  featured in the movie the Titanic — down the toilet. (Or as if I had hidden one of his precious pens in a bowl of mashed potatoes.)

The morning after that incident, there was a contract left for me on his kitchen island that pretty much set out terms and conditions— of course alongside a cheap f***ing pen — that I was to adhere to when it comes to his pens — which basically entirely spelled out that I wasn't allowed to touch his pens.

Obviously, this made me instantly think but…I just want to touch them. I just want to try all of them. Just one touch? Oh, I also thought, “Can I just try and take one of your pens apart and see if I can put it back together?” — a ridiculous notion since there is not one — not ONE — DIY project I have ever attempted to try…ever?

OF COURSE, I made some corrections to the clauses in the contract, like I was a lawyer, which was to add the letters “i” followed by “s” every time I saw the word “pen” was written.

The contract was never returned. Perhaps it’s because I added an “i” and an “s” every time I saw the word pen, so the changes looked like, “No one is allowed to touch the penis I have…”

I’m kidding. At least about the contract.

I'm not kidding when I say I think he may have a problem have set up a special security camera in his office — like those cameras hidden in stuffed animals so parents can spy on the babysitter —so, I try to steer clear of his office as to not to be caught “bonding” borrowing with one of his pens.

Who knows what would happen? Knowing how special pens are to him, will he decide to hire protection for his beloved and necessary and very specific pens? (Fun tidbit? Beyonce and Jay-Z have three bodyguards on a daily basis and during public events such as concerts, they and their children are protected by up to 500 bodyguards!)

Still, it’s impossible to get annoyed with my My Guy, and his weird ink quirks, because he’s a good The Best Guy. (And is the reason I own a beautiful pen which changed my life, not as a writer, which I will get into in a sec!)

I truly love My Guy — even if I used to feel the urge to stab him perhaps with a f**king pen, every time I wanted or needed to borrow something to write with. “No, not that pen. I used that for [Fill in something that needs to be signed at his office]” Or, “No, not that one either. [Fill in another pen for some entirely different document]”

Before you marry a person, you should first make them use a computer with slow internet service to see who they really are, has been a long time quip that is 100 per cent true.

Alas, my “Forever Person” happens to be a Pen Perfectionist more than a Slow Internet Service Person. (I would, however, say the reaction is the same, but when it comes to his precious pens, the frustration is amplified by a gazillion.)

 This trait of Pen People, according to my internet diagnosis, also seems to correlate with other traits My Guy has, including having an immaculate office (Yup!) with impeccable standards (Yup!) depicted throughout everything they do (Yup!).

 I did research but here is My Guy’s elaboration. “There is a tactile satisfaction to writing with the right pen…The action of writing becomes deliberate; more thoughtful. It makes you feel there is a purpose to what you are writing. With the right pen, even the mundane - like jotting down a phone number or reminder note feels like it is an orderly step in a thought-out plan. Makes you feel a sense of control even when things are totally out of control. You don’t get that from typing on your phone or keyboard. When your email bings it is a stress trigger.  Seeing a nicely written reminder of yet something else you forgot to do or need to do is a more calming “Oh fuck” feeling.  I see it, it is there in writing, and I will see it again so I will not forget.”

So, what’s a girl to do? I started stalking to look at pens. And that’s how I landed on buying a pen that cost more than my kid's activities. Why?

 But most of all? If you pull out a fancy pen at business meetings? Well, we have all heard the phrase the pen is mightier than the sword.

 What is it about the magic of a pen? There are benefits to handwriting — it forces us to slow down, sharpens the brain, unleashes creativity, not easily accessed in any other way and blah blah — but the most beneficial thing about owning a good pen, especially for females who need to act like middle age white dudes to still get a job or to be treated equally and taken just as seriously as men in meetings or in the work force?

 Pull out a good-looking pen! It really is the next best thing, or closest thing, to actually having a pen(is.)

Speaking of impeccable standards, and passing, I actually felt terrible last week. If you recall things got a lot little tense when King Charles III attempted to sign a guest book at the royal residence of Hillsborough Castle when the pen he was using leaked all over his hand.

 He didn’t exactly have a meltdown or tantrum — or at least that’s not the way I saw it and let’s still remember, this is a terrible time for him and his family and the death of beloved Queen Elizabeth that affected millions around the world, to be clear — but he was definitely frustrated as he walked out muttering "this bloody thing" …and grumbling that this happens "every stinking time,” leaving Queen Camilla to sign for him.

 Now, as a commoner, a leaky pen would make me frustrated too. Who hasn’t been irked by ink, at some point in their lives?

 KC3 or King Charles III Problem Child Pen in question was, apparently, a Montblanc Meisterstück 146 Solitaire "LeGrand" in sterling silver that KC3 used to commemorate that historic event.

The chosen Meisterstück was created in 1924 and is known as the most precise pen manufactured to date. “Its greatest hallmark is the number "4810" engraved on its tip, which alludes to the height of Mont Blanc and the Maison's intention to reach new heights of excellence…” 

The combination of engineering and craftsmanship were key to completing the 100 steps necessary to manufacture the fountain pen and the 35 steps involved creating just the nib

Jan-Patrick Schmitz, president and CEO of Montblanc North America, one of the snazziest pen-makers of all, says here that your pen says a lot about your personal style.

“A pen is just like a tie, or a watch, or the car you drive, or your murse/purse,” he said. He was known to always carry at least two pens with him at work: one tucked in his briefcase's pen holder and another in an inside jacket pocket.

Just like My Guy he used different snazzy pens; one a functional roller-ball, the other a fountain pen "which he reserves for moments when he wants to take time to express something.”

 He can boast of having more than 100 pens in his personal collection, described as colourful, eye-catching, elegant designs, and would choose a colour that matches his mood, “preferring different colours for different moments.” (Sometimes, he even uses a pen with scented ink; usually, vanilla.) 

The Meisterstück established itself as a symbol for the culture of writing and an icon of absolute luxury: The most powerful people in the world only signed with her: from the Queen of England to Hemingway and American Presidents. This model pen — or would it be a pen model? — attracted such fame it was nicknamed the 'Power Pen' by Wall Street yuppies in the late ‘80s.

“Therefore, it was to be expected that…he would not seal this historical moment in any way, but with a pen that had become a legend.”

(If you also want to emulate a contemporary king, you can do so with a Montblanc Meisterstück Solitaire LeGrand starting at 1,580 euros (around $1550 US. So, really, I saved about $1000 on my pen.)

So, I started to take my carefully selected snazzy AF pen to important meetings. People noticed my pen as soon as I took it out with a notepad. I must admit, it did give me an added sense of purpose, a sense of being more prepared and dare I say organized and powerful and arrogant like any white middle aged man, who still thinks women are…less than them.

With my fancy pen — that I have managed to not lose yet, an incredible accomplishment in itself — people do seem to take me more seriously. They look impressed.

As My Guy’s client told him, when I leave to go to a meeting, and pull out my Cartier Ballpoint pen, people “notice” that I can dress the part, act the part, and now my pen does “match the part.”

Just try it. What do you have to lose? If it’s a nice pen you buy and this self-helpism doesn’t work, you can re-gift it as a graduation gift, passing on this hack to make others see you as serious and someone who won’t take any s**t. And you “match” your part or the position you want.

As Louis Cartier’s motto goes, “Never imitate, always innovate.”

xoxo

Rebecca