“There are two motives for reading a book; one that you enjoy it; the other, that you can boast about it.”

— Bertrand Russell

Don’t worry. This isn't a test. We won't be grading you. You're not on trial. In fact, it’s the complete opposite. This week, we're coming to the rescue of all the literary liars out there.

Recently, our executive editor, Maya, texted me a hilarious because it’s most likely true photo she found online. The photograph featured a table with a stack of books in a bookstore, with a sign very much like the signs you see at Indigo.

But instead of a sign featuring "Heather's Pick" or "New Releases,” the sign read, “Books We Pretend We’ve Read.”

It made me giggle, of course….and then pause for thought. 

Would the sign draw people in, or would their minds go in a completely other direction, like, “Gah! I’ve gone most of my life having to pretend that I read The Alchemist by Paulo Coelho, Ulysses by James Joyce, and 1984 by George Orwell, so why stop pretending now?” (FYI, these were all books on the table in the photo.)

So, if you find yourself “in a bind” stuck making small talk at a literary event (as you'll read about here), bookstores and libraries are a great way of meeting people if you're single and want to mingle — or stuck on a blind date with an editor or someone who loves talking about books, especially the classics, or find yourself stuck in an elevator like I was with Conrad Black, you won’t have to scream, “Fire!” to get the fuck out of those, or worse, find yourself trying to contribute by saying something you'll regret like, “I do, indeed, agree Anna Karenina is one of the single greatest novels ever written. Indeed. Indeed. I was so impressed that I finished it in less than three hours," before excusing yourself with, “I need a quick visit to the powder room" as you madly race to the bar secretly do a quick Google search to find the summary of Anna Karenina in a cubical, only to freak the fuck out almost drop your phone into the toilet, upon realizing that you just claimed you read Anna Karenina in three hours — an impossibly l-o-n-g novel with multilayered narratives, spread between 464-800 pages (depending on the translation and publisher). 

If you read all of that in one gulp, I commend you.

And also, you just learned — thanks to Google — that you have absolutely nothing to contribute to imperial Russian society, and now you are forced to decide if you should leave by the side exit in order to escape being caught lying by a die-hard classic #booklover…or head to the bar for some more literature liquid courage.

There is a difference between books you have on your shelf and books you've actually read. So, we’re going to feed you some go-to lines so that if you're ever stuck thinking, “Um, the last book I read was written by comedian Chelsea Handler; how can I feign reading these great works of literature so I, too, can appear cultured having not read these classics that everyone agrees are masterpieces?” (a.k.a. usually classics that are stuffed down our throat introduced to us at school and then by literature snobs…for the rest of our lives.)

Unless…the other person is also lying. In which case, you'd both be talking about how much you pretended to love a classic that neither of you read. Speaking of lying, come back here to read why I sometimes lie pretend I’m NOT a writer.

But for real. What if the person you’re trying to impress was also pretending to have read and loved Anna Karenina?

“Tolstoy’s War and Peace, published in 1869, isn’t a difficult read — there are no swirling lines of type or footnotes on footnotes. It’s just that it’s 1,300 pages, and no you didn’t [read it],” Shalom Auslander, author of Hope: a Tragedy, wrote in The Telegraph arguing there are certain classic books no one has read…ever.

The “most popular ruse” [to seem more intellectual is] according to this article titled More than half of us lie about reading classic novels, with 42% relying on film and TV adaptations, or summaries found online, to feign knowledge of the novels based on one study here.

 People lie. A lot.

For example, a 2020 study shows that the majority of job seekers “fudge a detail or two” on their resume. The grand total of resume fraudsters, including those “stretching the truth,” was 56%. More than 90% said they knew someone who had lied on their resume. (My son’s father went to a very prestigious American college, according to his LinkedIn. I mean we were only together for seven years as long as Anna Karenina. You'd think that would have come up at some point, no?)

I guess I could add on LinkedIn that I attended Tufts University. Technically, I did go there…to drop off my daughter (who actually does go there). After all, I walked around the entire campus, hung out in a dorm room, bought some “Proud Mom” souvenirs from the bookstore, ate a chicken wrap from the cafeteria, and did kiss My Guy under the bleachers.

But who wants to live with the fear that someday we’ll be caught in a lie over a book?  (Oh, the shame!) But then again, who wants to be bullied into reading 700 pages when the latest episode of The Real Housewives just came out? 

I remember reading about someone who, after being prodded bullied by a friend to read Ayn Rand’s The Fountainhead, finally said they had finally read it…just to get their friend to "Fuck off” stop telling them to read it. (You actually should read it. Or tell me to fuck off. Your choice! FYI? It’s approximately 700 pages.)

And, there’s a very slim chance, at least with resume fraudsters, they will be caught. Ever. Only 21% of those who "fudged" or outright lied on their resume didn’t get the job.

But why do people lie about books they’ve read, or rather not read, especially if you claim you're a #booklover?

It seems somewhat dumb trivial to feel we need to lie that we have read a particular classic, just because it's a classic. Yet, literary liars have been around since, well, maybe the 1800s?

A decade ago (!) The Atlantic published this piece: "Why We Lie About Reading Great Books.”

“More than 60 percent of people pretend to have read books they haven’t... And based on what we've learned in the past, we all lie about reading the same books over and over,” writes Arit John.

The article mentions how, a year prior, after a few New York Times staffers wrote a “confessional post,” even more people admitted to never having read Orwell's most famous work (which, re:peat after me, is 1984).

At present, it still ranks #42 on Amazon under — you guessed it — Classic Literature, #11 in Dystopian Science Fiction, and #5 in Political Fiction. So, people obviously are still buying classics. Do they get around to reading them? (As an author, I actually care that you read. Now, as a publisher, I mostly care that you buy books. (What happens to the book after you purchase it? Well, that's none of my business.)

“Actually, I’m sort of convinced that most people who reference this book [1984] have never actually read it," wrote one anonymous staffer (at The New York Fucking Times).

On top of this, a 2009 study to mark World Book Day found that 42 percent of people have lied about reading 1984. (So, if you see a resume where a job seeker professes their favourite hobby is reading and their favourite book is Orwell’s 1984? Well, let’s just say you’re dealing with a fraudster (and you shouldn’t trust anyone who claims to have read Orwell cover to cover. Or anyone, for that matter, who says you don’t need a new pair of shoes.)

Did you happen to read The Year of Reading Dangerously? Well, maybe you did or maybe you're lying. (If people lie about what they read, like resumes fraudsters, only 21% will ever be caught lying about reading the classics.)

 The Year Of Reading Dangerously was written by Andy Miller — a literature liar or maybe more of a literary “procrastinator”  — after a friend calls him out on pretending to read books. So, he sets out to make up for his lies in The Year of Reading Dangerously — his witty memoir on his journey of reading 50 books and how they changed his life. 

Maybe I read it. Maybe I didn’t.

So, here are seven things you can say about the most popular non-read books to convince anyone — even yourself — that you know what these awful amazing classic novels are about.

LITERARY LIARS? WE'VE GOT YOUR BACK: STOP PRE:TENDING AND RE:PEAT AFTER ME:  

Alice's Adventures in Wonderland by Lewis Carroll

RE:PEAT AFTER ME: “This story is a trip. For real! The author apparently was high when he wrote it, as you can see from the author’s imagination high. But really, it’s a dream-like world that re:presents incomplete projects and wishful thinking.” 

RE:MEMBER: Mention that this is usually packaged as a children’s book but has many adult themes.

1984 by George Orwell.

This was written as a dystopian novel set in 1984 in Oceania, one of three perpetually warring totalitarian states (the other two are Eurasia and Eastasia). Oceania is governed by the all-controlling Party, which has brainwashed the population into unthinking obedience to its leader, Big Brother.

RE:PEAT AFTER ME: “Yeah, it’s a serious reflection into politics, propaganda, censorship, and totalitarianism.” (Fun fact to make you seem extra knowledgeable: the term “Big Brother” was coined by George Orwell in this book and has been used since to describe an all-seeing, controlling power.)

The Lord of the Rings trilogy by J.R.R. Tolkien.

Filled with fantastical creatures like hobbits (elves), wizards and imaginary others, this is the story of a brave group of these creatures who set off to save their world, Middle Earth, from evil forces and a magical ring that has the power to control the entire world and corrupt its possessor.

RE:PEAT AFTER ME: "Great imagery and character development by a master of storytelling.” (Another tidbit you may want to share — to show how much you know, obvs — is that The Lord of the Rings books are actually each comprised of two volumes; J.R.R. Tolkien wrote them as six separate books.

Anna Karenina by Leo Tolstoy.

The wife of a Russian imperial minister, Anna Karenina, creates a high-society scandal by having an affair with a cavalry officer, who is also entangled with another woman. Anna’s husband offers her a choice: go into exile with her lover and never see her son again or stay and abide by rules of discretion. She remains conflicted when she becomes pregnant and deathly ill when the child is born. This is known as one of the greatest novels of love and death ever written. 

RE:PEAT AFTER ME: “Though perceived as a difficult read, it really isn't. Again, it's is just l-o-n-g.” So, if you choose to tell others that you’ve read it, you should include how long it took you to read — do not say three hours! — a surefire fact that will convince them you read it.

To Kill a Mockingbird by Harper Lee

Lawyer and widower Atticus Finch tries to teach his children, nicknamed Scout (the main protagonist) and Jem, about human rights and equality in an imaginary Alabama town during the Great Depression. He tells them ‘it is a sin to kill a mockingbird,’ alluding to the fact that you shouldn’t hurt innocent or harmless beings. He goes on to defend a wrongfully accused Black man of raping a white woman. The children see prejudice and superstition all around them. 

RE:PEAT AFTER ME: “This is a coming-of-age story as well as a dark drama about the roots and consequences of racism.” To show how much you really know about this novel because you read it, you can also mention the real name of the main character, Scout, is Jean Louise Finch.

Pride and Prejudice by Jane Austen

Elizabeth Bennet is the daughter of a country gentleman, and the heroine in this popular prose of star-crossed lovers, which Austen is known for. Elizabeth and her four sisters are destined to be suitably married, and the plot centres around them and the parade of eligible bachelors they are introduced to. When Elizabeth meets Fitz William Darcy, an aristocratic landowner, he is not at all what she had hoped for in a husband. But as she gets to know who he really is, and not the persona he presents, she realizes how wrong she was.

RE:MEMBER THIS: Jane Austen fans are proud of the fact that they can name the five Bennet sisters in order of age without a hitch: Jane, Elizabeth (Lizzy/Eliza), Mary, Catherine (Kitty), and Lydia. (Maya once called a radio station and won a prize for naming them all correctly. True story!)

Great Expectations by Charles Dickens

This classic follows the story of Pip, an orphan boy adopted by a blacksmith's family, who has good luck and great expectations and then loses both his luck and his expectations. Through this rise and fall, however, Pip learns how to find happiness. He learns the meaning of friendship and the meaning of love and, of course, becomes a better person for it.

RE:PEAT AFTER ME: “Great Expectations was also the second novel by Charles Dickens to be fully narrated in the first person.”  

See?! You know it all.

I hope you got some good reading cheat sheet material here — even though I know you’re already smart and cultured, because you’re reading the re:books newsletter. 

Until next time, flip your hair and flip the page! (I’m going to go re-read Fifty Shades of Grey now.)

xo

Rebecca

P.S. What are some books you have fibbed about reading? Tell us at info@rebooks.ca, and we pinky promise to keep it to ourselves!