“It was a slap in the face

How quickly I was replaced

And are you thinking of me when you fuck her?

And every time you speak her name

Does she know how you told me

You'd hold me until you died…."

From the song "You Oughta Know" by Canadian singer Alanis Morissette, from her album Jagged Little Pill, released exactly this week, on July 7th, in 1995! (Isn’t it Ironic!?)

If you’re having relationship issues, or are in a relationship drought, instead of those always regrettable tequila shots, swipes and drunk texts — no one types faster than a pissed off woman — it’s not the worst idea to maybe read a book instead!

The theme of this week’s newsletter is "romantic re:lationships," something I've always been fascinated with, more now than ever, after witnessing how the pandemic wreaked havoc on so many relationships.

(Wait! What? You didn’t receive calls from girlfriends screaming something like, “I AM ABOUT TO LOSE MY SHIT! CAN YOU BELIEVE MY HUSBAND HAD THE NERVE TO EAT AN APPLE IN THE SAME ROOM AS ME?”)

Who needs a degree in psychology to see how dynamics in romantic relationships were affected by this pandemic, positively or negatively? I kind of believe relationships will continue to be affected, whether positively or negatively, as more get vaccinated and the world re-opens.

If you’ve developed a relationship during the pandemic, will it hold up? If you realized you had long-standing resentments in your relationship, what will you do about it now? Will dating ever be the same again, after the accelerated speed some took, or wanted, getting to know each other over FaceTime dates? For those couples that deepened their commitment to their partner, will they keep up all that hard work? Have you just booked a moving truck and called a divorce lawyer?

From those who have experienced past heartbreaks and now going through a new heartbreak, to those single and ready to mingle, and for those who simply want to change their relationship outcomes or dynamics — no matter what your situation is — these fun, breezy reads written by Canadian women, featured in this special edition, are real and raw, relatable and informative. Most of all, they are funny! Most are also suited for those who like to read in short bursts.

Candidly, for months now, I’ve been thinking about writing a book about modern love. The first thing I do before starting a new book is try to come up with a title that's never been used before. I do this by going to Amazon, typing in the “working" book title I've come with, then I check to see if any other book pops up with the same title.

Coming up with a totally original title that’s never been used before is much harder than you’d think! (An example? In one week, I received three books with the title “Nest.” One about children leaving the “Nest," another about infertility, and one about…birds.)

The title I want to use and hoped was completely original is, “Women Are Meant to Be Loved, Not Understood,” based on the famous quote by Oscar Wilde.

I think the quote is funny and whimsical and often very true! Call me “crazy” — like what most ex-boyfriends/husbands call their girlfriends or wives after they become ex-girlfriends or ex-wives. Come on, men! Can you NOT come up with another word to describe your ex other than “crazy,” already? But I do often believe the mind of a female is complicated and, maybe, often just too complex for men to fully comprehend. (My brain certainly is!)

I think “Women Are Meant to Be Loved, Not Understood” is a great title for a book! And, luckily, aside from “writing journals” with that quote used on the cover, there doesn’t seem to be a book with that title out there! (Correct me if I'm wrong!) I believe both men and women would, at the very least, stop to look at a book with this title in a bookstore or library.

But recently I’ve been thinking maybe the title of my next book should be, “Men Are Meant to Be Loved, Not Understood.” Sometimes, I truly can’t grasp the mind of men, like many other women I know.

One male friend told me that all men want only two (TWO!) things out of a relationship: to be treated kindly and to have a lot of sex. I would say the same thing about women.

But if this were the case, why are relationships so damn complicated!? Why else did everyone love and resonate with Canadian Avril Lavigne’s 2002 song “Complicated,” where she literally sings, “Why’d you have to go and make things so complicated? I see the way you’re acting like you’re somebody else, gets me frustrated!” (It was the most played song OF THAT ENTIRE YEAR by a Canadian artist!)

Back to my book title…

I also use this specific quote on my boyfriend when; for example, I tell him I need three towels when I shower. When he questions why, I’ll respond, “WOMEN ARE MEANT TO BE LOVED, NOT UNDERSTOOD!” If he questions why I always need to hold the remote, I'll respond, "WOMEN ARE MEANT TO BE LOVED, NOT UNDERSTOOD!"

This shuts him up. Try it! It works. (But this didn't come from me, okay?)

“There is always someone for everyone,” I used to say to singles looking for a life mate. My words were not platitudes. I was not acting like a life coach. (Because if I were a life coach? My advice would be simple: "Don't be an asshole! Okay?”)

I genuinely did believe that there is always someone for everyone. But, now? Although I remain more optimistic than not, I’m not so sure anymore.

A few years ago, my divorce lawyer sent me a X-Mas present. It was a winter hat with her firm’s logo AND the words, ”Because Nothing Lasts Forever.”

So, of course I immediately emailed her to thank her profusely for writing, “Thank you for the highly depressing winter hat…. No one is going to wear that hat! Why not ‘rediscover yourself,’ or something a tad more, ‘Okay, I can get through this’ and less ‘I want to kill myself?’”

I also, jokingly, added, “You should 100 percent bring this up at your next partner meeting….”

This lawyer, who I like to think of as a friend, and who gets my dark, flakey sense of humour — one who would also yell at me a lot, “Rebecca! Do you want to end up sleeping on a park bench!” and “Rebecca! It’s just stuff! Give him everything he asks for to get him out!” — wrote back jokingly, “I am laughing out loud! But I will certainly convene a meeting immediately with the powers that be,” adding that, “When tested on a ski hill, that hat went viral!” So, apparently, I was wrong. (And who knew that law firms had marketing departments? Marketing-wise? It was a great idea!)

So like, how many people do believe “nothing lasts forever?” Or at least used to think that? Or joked about it a few times if they haven’t actually lived through it?

Recently, I was communicating with an author about all her hilarious experiences being single. Her stories had me crying with fits of laughter.

But what really interested me was the fact she is in her forties and has never been married. She's never even been proposed to. Is this a bad thing? Well, in this case, YES! And I'll tell you why…

First, she’s somewhat traditional and always, always wanted to be married and find her forever person. Second, she actually really tries! She asks friends to be set up, she's seen matchmakers, she’s on dating apps. Aside from having an arranged marriage, I'm not sure what more she can do!

After doing a bit of research myself, I found that there are a TON of women who have always wanted to get married but are now in their forties or fifties, still single and still hoping to find their forever person. It is actually a thing. (And I bet many of you married women are either thinking, "Why the hell don't they enjoy being single? Marriage is like being in prison!” Or maybe, “Thank god, I’m married and not dating these days!”

You're also probably thinking, "Well, something must be wrong with her! She must be a high-maintenance, picky, nagging drama queen.” (Which isn’t very nice! And isn’t true either. And we women must band together!)

Off the top of my head, I can think of four single girlfriends who want to be in a serious relationship, be married or remarried, and who really do put themselves out there. Still, after years of trying, they're still single. And none of them are high-maintenance, picky, nagging drama queens!

All have interesting jobs. They are all objectively good-looking. They are intelligent. They are funny. They are kind and caring. They are outgoing and fun. They enjoy sex.

So, yes, “men are meant to be loved, not understood,” because I don’t understand why any single man wouldn't jump to spend the rest of their lives with any of these women!

Coming from someone who has been engaged twice but has never walked down any aisle — except at grocery stores — obviously, this is not a judgment that women need to be married, or even have a partner, to be happy.

These single women in their 40s and 50s and even 60s are well aware they don’t NEED a man to have a fulfilling life. They aren’t wallowing. Just like we shouldn't judge women who choose to be single, we shouldn't judge those who choose not to want to be single either.

BUT…

I can't imagine, at any age — especially over 40 — what it would be like to be constantly asked, “When are you finally going to get married?” or “Why have you never been married?” They’ve probably been asked this since they were in their twenties...and now on every date they go on! And is there a correct answer to this?

Is it timing? Is it just bad luck? Are they attracted to men who will never commit? Who knows! What I do know is there is absolutely no reason that I, personally, can see why these single women — some of whom are divorced, who want to remarry — are still single.

Two never-been-married women I know have a child, having used sperm donors. Although still optimistic that there was time to find a husband, they realized that they didn’t have all the time in the world to have a baby, which they’d also so desperately, always wanted. Forget about “first comes love, then comes marriage, then comes baby in a baby carriage.” Now it’s like, “First comes baby, then comes love, then comes marriage?”

I also know three women, also over the age of 40, who have "changed teams," as the old saying goes, during, or because, of this pandemic. #PussyPower

So, maybe “Women are meant to be loved, not understood,” and maybe “Men are meant to be loved and not understood” too. And I will probably title my next book after one of these lines.

But in the meantime, there is a book for everyone in this edition that will make YOU feel understood. Because am I right, fellow females? We just want to be heard and understood!

From rewiring your heart for single motherhood and flipping the script on what it means to be single in the 21st century; to tried-and-true methods of healing heartbreak and breaking unhealthy cycles with cutting-edge psychology to sage (sometimes sarcastic) advice; and for those who are single/newly single; OR for those who want to work on their marriages, these books featured today in the re:lationship edition also gives us a voyeuristic peek into other people's relationships.

I enjoyed and could relate to all of these easy, informative, real and raw encouraging reads, sort of like hanging out with a scientific Carrie Bradshaw (minus the cosmopolitan and Carrie Bradshaw!)

And don’t forget! If your man, or any man quite frankly, questions something you do, or doesn’t understand your quickness or intricacies (I mean, aside from you cheating or doing something illegal), throwing out the line, “Women are meant to be loved, not understood!” is a free pass to getting away with anything that may just be a little too complex for the male brain.

If you know of any other must-read books about relationships, put them on my radar here.

Until next time, flip your hair and flip the page! And enjoy the book recommendations this week!

P.S. Happy Anniversary Alanis!

xoxo

Rebecca