It’s my book launch and I’ll cry (and mope, and anxiously refresh reviews) if I want to: Post-Book Launch Depression is real
“The medical department call it 'a major depressive episode,' but I've been knocked sideways by a multitude of feelings, not just depression, but agitation, anxiety, terror, panic, grief, desperation, despair, and an almost irresistible desire to be dead and it's gone on for a very long time. Every day for six solid months I've had to try really hard to stay alive.” — bestselling novelist Marian Keyes — who went on to write numerous novels — back in 2010.
I’m not sure when you’re reading this, so I’m either drunk AF with some sort of “drunk babysitter” watching me put a banana peel on my feet, or I’m waking up wondering how I’m not dead with a terrible hangover. (Thank you drunk babysitter, whomever you were/are, for hopefully not dropping me or hitting my head on a door!)
Make no mistake, I’m not an alcoholic. I’ve just got, or have, a few BIG reasons to celebrate. As far as my liver knows, tonight (or last night, depending on when you read this) is a reason to celebrate BIG! (And let’s be real, has any great writing begun with someone drinking a smoothie? No. That’s why I’m sharing that I am, or was, hopefully obscenely tipsy.)
Of course, one does not need alcohol to have fun. Then again, you don’t need hiking boots to climb a mountain, but it sure fucking helps! Alcohol doesn’t solve problems, but how many people are born because of it? #ShoutOut to my first born, Rowan, who was conceived when I was drunk is a Thrill-Seeker.
Which leads me to why I’m either about to pass out, or am letting the alcohol do the thinking for me, or am rambling to a friend about how I’m never going to drink again.
Tonight, or last night, or two nights ago — depending, again, on when you’re reading this — I probably told myself, at some point, to stop celebrating drinking, but I’m celebrating, or was celebrating, and I’m not, or wasn’t, about to listen to some drunk woman me who talks to herself: A woman me who probably rationalized another shot how you couldn’t possibly get a hangover…if you don’t stop drinking.
There is nothing worse than a mid-life hangover. That is, except for Postpartum Book Launch Depression.
Knowing myself, I haven’t gotten drunk in ages. I’m a complete lightweight! I did or am probably drinking responsibly, because I hate sloppy drunks responsibility is why I started or am enjoying a couple cocktails in the first place.
Tonight, or last night, or a couple nights ago — again, depending when you’re reading this! —I hosted a party for the launch of re:book’s and its debut author, Danielle Kaplan, in honour of her publication of her already bestselling memoir, I Married A Thrill-Seeker.
It’s something to celebrate! What a massive accomplishment! (Shut up liver! You’re fine!)
Much like the tequila flu a hangover, I’m worried about the impending doom that hits every an author after a book tour and the strange and uncomfortable mix of emotions that goes on once a book is finished and thrown out into the world.
The Post Book Launch Depression IS a thing.
If I were to compare The Post Book Launch Depression to the stages of getting drunk, it would be comparable to the suffering stage of a hangover while you’re waiting for Uber to arrive with your order of a Big Mac Meal from McDonalds — oh the salt and the fountain diet coke with cold ice! — so you can start to remember what happiness being human feels like again. And then your fast food just makes you feel more nauseous.
As an author, I had nailed the Post Book Launch Depression. Now as a Publisher I do feel some moral responsibility to tell re:book's authors — I have warned Danielle and her family — that depression after having your book launched into the world is inevitable.
The inevitable Post Book Launch Depression is no less shocking just because it’s inevitable. Feeling depressed or being overcome with sadness after a book tour winds down is similar to feeling empty and maybe numb. (Post Book Launch Depression has been described as an experience similar to a break up or death of a loved one.)
After writing and publishing ten books, I became good at the inevitable Post Book Launch Depression, to the point where my stalkers should have been bored out of their fucking minds.
After I launched each of my books, all my stalkers should have been like, “Dear G-D Woman! You’ve been crying in bed for more than a week now. Are you ever planning to leave your house again? Do you have plans to post on social media what you’re doing and where you’ll be? Are you going to shower? No? Fine. You’re boring. I’m out!”
For each and every author, their book is special. Why shouldn't they expect it to be a bestseller, win awards, have Reese calling. Depression may start to set in when these things do not happen.
Post Book Launch Depression can be crippling to the point where every authors could burn sage knowing full well that it's them who is the bad energy in the house, while thinking their entire life has been a complete waste of time, while also wondering how to uninstall all those yucky emotions that lead authors to think that perhaps learning to do their own taxes would be more fun than going through the emotional stages of Post Book Launch Depression where it is entirely plausible that all some authors may cry more than they ever did during…their first year of life?
Much like a Thrill Seeker, the initial “high” or “rush” after writing and publishing a book fades away. One day you’re being interviewed by three different podcasters and then — poof — the calls to promote your book stall.
The Post-Book-Launch Depression conversation, in my head, would go something like this:
Cripplingly Depressed Post Book Launch Brain: Hey whacha doin’ not getting out of bed for days?
Rational Brain: I’m depressed AF, okay!?
Cripplingly Depressed Post Book Launch Brain: So, let’s think about all of your failures then?
Rational Brain: Wait, what? No!
Cripplingly Depressed Post Book Launch Brain: Too bad! Away we go! What made you think being a bestselling author, or even publishing a book, would change your life and make you happier?
Rational Brain: Um, maybe because I’ve managed to trick everyone around me into thinking I'm not depressed like every other fucking author, aspiring or otherwise?
Cripplingly Depressed Post Book Launch Brain: Sarcasm! But funny! So, why so sad?
Rational Brain: I don’t know! Everything is going so well! Press has been great, sales are good enough, and most importantly? I have great friends, a supportive family, and a loving partner all cheering me on!
Cripplingly Depressed Post Book Launch Brain: Yeah, having a good support team and loving friends and family is cool and all, but do we have your permission to go A.W.O.L for a few months?
Rational Brain: No! Maybe I’m just using Post-Book-Launch Depression as an excuse for my self-loathing, to have a pity-party, and as an excuse to not get out of bed. I’m using sleep as an escape!
Cripplingly Depressed Post Book Launch Brain: Um, you realize that all the above symptoms are in itself fucking symptoms of Post-Book-Launch Depression?
Rational Brain: So, I should get out of bed and go outside! Get some exercise! I know that works!
Cripplingly Depressed Post Book Launch Brain: You think running from your emotions is considered exercise?
Rational Brain: I know! I should be happy and look at all the positives. And, so many others would love to be in my shoes. I should cheer the fuck up!
Cripplingly Depressed Post Book Launch Brain: What a fabulous idea! Why didn’t we think of that? Can you see my eyes rolling?
Rational Brain: Okay, maybe I'm being sarcastic because I’m exhausted and indeed depressed. Just get a good night’s sleep!
Cripplingly Depressed Post Book Launch Brain: Why? So I can wake up in the morning only to go back to bed again?
Rational Brain: You need to be social. Invite people over! I know that helps.
Cripplingly Depressed Post Book Launch Brain: Sure. The text will be like, “Crying Session tonight at my house. Then you can watch me overthink. And then I’ll share how I regret every decision I’ve ever made.” Sound fun?
Rational Brain: Look! You still have a sense of humour!
Cripplingly Depressed Post Book Launch Brain: Whatever. Everyone hates me.
Rational Brain: That’s ridiculous! There’s a whole lot of people out there who haven’t even met you yet to hate you!
Cripplingly Depressed Post Book Launch Brain: Haha. I should call my therapist.
Rational Brain: Why? So he can call his therapist the minute I leave his office?
Cripplingly Depressed Post Book Launch Brain: Plus, my therapist doesn’t care about me! Nobody cares about me!
Rational Brain: That’s not true! Rogers keeps emailing and calling you because of your unpaid bills. Rogers cares!
Cripplingly Depressed Post Book Launch Brain: It’s good you’re cracking jokes at your expense.
Rational Brain: Yeah, well, I know this will pass. It always does.
Cripplingly Depressed Post Book Launch Brain: Can I just start watching the Netflix docudrama that I’ve watched 27 times already?
Rational Brain: It’s not the worst idea to eat my feelings either. For now.
Cripplingly Depressed Post Book Launch Brain: I can get on board with that! But remember, you’re only as good as your last book!
Rational Brain: Oh, fuck right off!
You get the point.
Since re:books mostly publishes debut authors, I can’t help but worry about their mental health —and not just because I’m worried that re:books’ authors will blame me for ruining their life. (In Part two, you’ll see how Danielle, a debut author, views her first book tour versus a seasoned author’s thoughts on book tours.)
“In the two months since I gave birth to a book, I’ve discovered that post-partum publishing depression is a thing. Even when the baby doesn't cry at all,” Rachel Michelberg, the author of Crash: How I Became a Reluctant Caregiver, wrote as a guest post on janefriedman.com.
“I’m not sure what I thought would happen after my memoir was published. Did I expect Oprah or Reese (or at the very least their people) to come begging to feature it in their book clubs?”
Michelberg admits to dreaming about a Netflix miniseries, but says her hopes were “tamer” as she had her real job as a singer and actor. “I know how unlikely fame is, even for the most gifted among us; as Thomas Edison said, success is 10% inspiration and 90% perspiration. My expectations — I thought— were in check,” she writes, then quickly asks, “So why am I feeling so generally bummed out since my memoir Crash was published?”
The months leading up to the publication day were “exciting.” She “loved” waking up to numerous emails from her publicist for media appearances. “It was all so thrilling (an oh-so-familiar feeling) as if April 27th was another opening night. I even had the requisite jitters.”
Then her rational side kicked in. She rationally knew the official publication date would be “far less exciting,” falling on a regular Tuesday. She smartly planned ahead, taking the day off work, and had lunch with her daughter and friends. Her publisher, She Writes Press, posted a congratulatory post on social media, and she received some nice "Happy Pub Day” texts. She describes the day as “strange.”
“After eleven years of the writing and editing process, a year and a half of preparing the manuscript, planning the launch, building a publicity team and plan, the silence was deafening… Give it time, I thought. After all, most people haven’t even received the book, let alone read it.”
Even though she is a professional performer, she describes how her nerves “increased exponentially” before her launch event, and was so angst-ridden she felt like puking.
She says her launch party was a hit, and shares how she took off with her husband for a mini-vacay.
“Despite advice to the contrary, all the wine tasting in the world couldn’t keep me from checking for reviews. The Amazon and Goodreads tabs remained permanently open on my desktop. I refreshed obsessively, becoming a kind of star junkie,” she writes. “…The few that weren’t so stellar didn’t exactly plunge me into the depths of despair, but my mood was certainly dampened.”
“What you’re feeling is so normal!” her writer friends told her. “You’re having a bit of withdrawal. So many writers experience that after publishing!” Michelberg felt better. For a few hours.
Then her book tour wound down. She faced days when nothing happened and she panicked. “At times I felt as if I’d never written a word, let alone a book. Then my phone would chime and there would be a text: “Just finished your book. I couldn’t put it down, stayed up way too late reading. SO good!!” and I’d be flying high again.”
Yes, she was on an emotional rollercoaster but it was also a reality check. She ends with how she's “tolerating” — and trying to — enjoy the ride.
When she did a deep dive into what she was really feeling, she could only conclude that she wants “to be relevant. To be noticed. To matter. When I allow the number of reviews—or the sales numbers I get from my publisher—to determine my relevance, then that’s a problem.”
Jessica Berger Gross, the author of Estranged: Leaving Family and Finding Home (Scribner) wrote an entire article titled, “I Just Published a Book: Why Am I Depressed?” which you can read here.
Basically? She was confused when prior to the pub date of her difficult family memoir, a writer friend had warned her how she may “soon become depressed” which she shares was “hard to imagine” when her lifelong literary dreams were coming to fruition.
“She spoke in the same way that a mother might caution a pregnant friend about the risks of the postpartum period. The release of the book would be euphoric, she said. But there was a chance that, in the months that followed, I wouldn’t want to get out of bed…”
After a summer of press mentions and notes from readers, when her book tour ended, she writes how “the dark chill of fall descended and a depression set in.”
“For years, I’d been laser-focused on writing during the hours my son was in school. Now I drifted around the house in my gray sweatpants, refreshing Twitter and Instagram… I felt despondent. Rudderless. Tired. Inexplicably, I felt like a failure.” (I’m not crying, you’re crying!)
Rather than feeling gratitude for her massive accomplishment and dream-come-true, she became obsessed over “what hadn’t,”
“My book hadn’t become a bestseller, received a rave (or any) review in the New York Times, or landed me my ever-since-girlhood fantasy interview with Terry Gross. I judged myself for the brass rings I hadn’t grabbed. As much as my memoir mattered to me, to the rest of the world it was just another book.”
She interviews other authors on their own experiences of “the downward post-book spiral” and now understands what her friend was trying to say: “…Publishing a book is a singular, special, and exhilarating experience that should be savoured. But a book, no matter how best-selling or how acclaimed, no matter how much it moves readers, is not going to bring complete fulfillment, validation, or inner peace. So don’t be so hard on yourself, or put quite so much pressure on publication.”
The only real cure for post book depression, she concludes, is to start writing something new. I will point out that Jessica Berger Gross is a full-time writer, unlike Danielle.
I Married A Thrill-Seeker, is her first and maybe only book. That's up to her!
Personally, I think her memoir will have a long-shelf life, for years to come, even after her book launch tour and party. She will be called on as an expert on loving and living with Thrill-Seekers, a trauma expert, an expert on modern medicine, an expert on how to navigate the medical system, an expert on what it’s like to have to make life or death decisions for a loved one, an expert on spinal injuries, an expert on long medical roads to the recovery of a loved one, and an expert on gratitude.
I would never tell her — or any author — that they are only as good as their last book. (My last book was published in 2019. I have no plans to write another. Yet I just got a media request from a fairly big podcast, based in New York, to talk about it. Once you publish a book — especially non-fiction — you do become an “expert” on that subject or at least that’s the way the world sees you.
So, I rather end with the wise words of Lori Gottlieb, author of “Maybe You Should Talk To Someone: A Therapist, Her Therapist and Our Lives Revealed” and what she said in Publishers weekly: “When you have your month in the sun, enjoy it. But don’t let it go to your head.”
Let’s cheer to that!
xoxo
Rebecca
P.S. Check out Part Two! It’s a fascinating and brutally honest comparison — of two q and a’s — of what Danielle, a debut author is learning on her first book tour compared to a seasoned full-time author’s thoughts on the changing nature of book tours!
P.P.S. I would love to hear from authors about their experience with Post Book Launch Depression. Click here to spill the non-alcoholic tea!
P.P.P.S. Another person has something to celebrate. Check out who won the re:book's annual #WriteAwaySummerContest and will be offered a guaranteed book contract with re:book's publishing house.