Fatal attraction? Why lawyers are attracted to me/writers
“My mother told me to be a lady and for her, that meant be your own person, be independent.” — Ruth Bader Ginsberg.
“A woman who knows what exactly she brings to the table is not afraid to eat alone.” — re:books
Very recently at a publishing event, an Old White Short Male Editor had a near-death experience. I can say this because he is twenty years older than me, is white, and I was wearing badass heels.
Luckily, for him, I counted to ten, calmed myself down, and put the sharp pen I was holding (and was going to stab him in the neck with) back in my purse.
I am skilled at many things but restraining myself from responding to sexist stupid questions is not one of them (neither is restraining myself from guacamole, cheesecake, and French fries).
“Why do you only date lawyers?” Old White Male Editor asked me in what can only be described as a patronizing sarcastic tone. Now, if he had asked me this with a tone of curiosity, I may have reacted differently.
“Here-we-fucking-go-again,” I thought. Did I have to tell Old White Male Editor that, as a female publisher, I just want the same fucking treatment as a hiker on precious land amongst endangered animals:
Warning: Female Publishers May Be Found In This Area. Give Them Distance And Respect, kk?
Yup, sometimes it takes balls to be a female.
Frankly, I am surprised the top of my head isn’t as flat as Kendall Jenner’s stomach, from being verbally “patted on the head” with patronizing comments or questions from Old White Males, a.k.a “The Power Penises in Publishing.” (Try saying THAT five times fast!)
Of course, I do not mean all men in publishing. Some have been nothing but wonderfully helpful.
“The only time I think about my gender is when I’m forced to,” says Sara Gran, an American author who writes mystery novels, is a script writer, and, as of two years ago, founder and owner of Dreamland Books.
“People like to say that publishing is female-dominated, and it is, at the lower levels. But the people who own the companies are still male, still almost 100% white. Don’t be telling me it’s a female-dominated industry,” Gran says in this interesting article on female-run publishing houses titled, “What Do Women (Publishers) Want?” published in 1950 just last week.
Not unlike the re:books publishing house here in Canada, female-found publishing houses in the U.S. have built their businesses on people underestimating an entire population of women. (You can read the entire article in full here.)
Almost all female-owned publishing companies exist because their founders wanted to do things that large, corporate, white-male-dominated companies weren’t interested in trying, author Bethanne Patrick writes.
At times, when I give some males in the publishing world ideas or advice, from modern publicity ideas to brainstorming titles, almost all look at me as if I just solved one of the world’s greatest mysteries, tell me how “impressive” my ideas are, and then promptly…ignore everything I have suggested.
Which leads me to think, “If I had suggested this in a deep masculine voice, like Arnold Schwarzenegger, would they have actually followed through?” It does seem some males in publishing have selective hearing.
There were a million other professional questions Old White Male Editor could have asked me, including, “Who are your authors?” “What do you look for in the books you publish?” “Who is your distributor?”
Nope. Old White Male Editor wanted to know why I “always date lawyers.” It not only felt unprofessional. It felt icky. Especially since I was in professional mode at a “professional” event.
“I date lawyers because they come with assistants. And their assistants then become my assistants,” I responded jokingly.
Old White Male Editor clearly did not recognize why asking me — a female publisher — why his question was so stupid and sexist that I had to take a moment to make sure I heard what I thought I had heard.
Before I turned my back to swiftly walk away, I couldn't help but say to Old White Male Editor pointedly chirpily, “What you should have asked me is, ‘Why do lawyers always want to date me?’”
Sure, I was this close to asking, “Would you ever ask a male publisher this?” But I was tired.
I just didn’t have it in me to fem-splain explain why the question was sexist at worst and unprofessional at best, and then ask him to think about why I would find this insulting and tell him that he should go “sleep on it” — I’m not selling fucking mattresses after all. I’m selling books!
Let’s be real: the underlying presumption of his question — “Why do you always date lawyers?” — is that I am a female who always dates men who have, or make, a lot of money.
Old White Male Editor’s warped belief that as a female I couldn’t possibly be a successful author, or run a successful publishing house, if I didn’t always date someone who helped me out financially and provided me with a certain lifestyle. (Clearly, he had not yet attended micro-aggression training.)
So, let’s clear this bullshit up…
The man I’ve been dating for years — on my social media, he’s known as “My Guy” — happens to be lawyer, specifically a tax litigator.
It was My Guy who asked ME to go out with HIM, after seeing a photo of me in some publication where he knew the editor, and after he had read some of my articles he found me funny. (What can I say? My Guy has great taste!).
So, let's be clear: My Guy asked if he could have my number. (Same with every other lawyer I have dated. And, no, I have not, historically, “only” dated lawyers!)
Here’s something I’ve never openly shared; in my 20s, I took the LSAT. Twice. Once on a whim. And then a second time, more seriously, after getting my pathetic less-than-stellar test score. I just had to re-take it! And, I didn’t even want to be a lawyer!
But I like to be challenged and the LSAT — an acronym for The Law School Admission Test — is quite challenging. No one walks out of that testing room without feeling hangry, that much I will share.
I’d be a terrible lawyer. First, I am way too proficient with profanities. And lawyers are subject to a professional code of conduct — leaving me with limited opportunity for use of the F-Bomb.
Also? I am constantly texting with my 19-year-old daughter and with my ten-year-old son, so my written arguments would look something like, “Ur Honour, tbh, idk, and idc, it’s up to u brah!”
I’d be the shit-disturber lawyer purposely mumbling “guiltypeoplesaywhat?” so the defendant would respond “What?” (again, I have a ten-year-old!)
Then I would be all like, “No further questions your Honour! They said ‘What!’ They have admitted their guilt! I win! Yay me!”
I do, on occasion, watch My Guy argue cases in both tax court and appellate courts. I’m not going to lie. I find it both highly sexy and highly fascinating to watch My Guy's back, in his black robes, speaking in front of a judge, or in front of a panel of judges.
Watching My Guy do his thing in court is like going on the best adult field trip ever!
I find all of it captivating — from the way everyone stands when judges enter or exit the courtroom, the questions judges ask when they want something clarified, the way lawyers argue their case based on other cases (“precedents” in legalese. See? #SmartCookie), to the way lawyers always refer to the opposing counsel as “My friend,” to the way litigators have to find a passage addressing sub-section 29 on page 212 at tab 9 in mere seconds, to the insane amount of paper lawyer’s use — All those poor trees working so hard to produce oxygen so we can breathe.
Lawyers should probably apologize to every tree they encounter since they take the phrase “drowning in paperwork” next level. And this is coming from someone a tree-hugger who regularly prints off 200-page manuscripts!
Admittedly, I also find myself biting my lip, stopping myself from pulling down the mask I'm wearing, so I can yell out, “Your Honour! Quick Question! Is My Guy winning or what? I’ve got a meeting at noon!”
As the Real Housewives keep telling me, I’m going to “own it!” I AM attracted to lawyers…equally as much as they are attracted to me.
No one should be that shocked.
I have found that most lawyers in my life, not just the lawyers I've dated, including my daughter’s father, but also the lawyers I must pay as a client — from family lawyers to entertainment lawyers to corporate lawyers — all possess a quick wit, a certain degree of confidence and a level of intelligence I find attractive (in both female and male lawyers).
Also, good lawyers can be, and are, very good writers. The reason I probably like being in a relationship with a lawyer is that writers and lawyers have a lot in common. Lawyers are in a very stressful profession. Same with writers. Lawyers have high standards. So do writers.
Work follows lawyers home. Writers are always thinking about writing. Lawyers have very long and hectic days, which frankly doesn’t bother me in the least. I need space to be left alone to write or edit in solitary confinement bliss.
Arguments, when you are in a relationship with a lawyer, can seem very one-sided tricky. They have been trained to prove their point. To which I say, “Fucking wonderful! I’m up for the challenge!” As a columnist, I too learned how to prove a point. Dare I say that I actually enjoy our arguments?
This, too, may explain why there are many lawyers-turned-writers and lawyers with novelist aspirations. Likewise, many of my friends from journalism school eventually went on to be lawyers. (One of My Guy’s earliest mentors was a newspaper reporter turned tax lawyer).
In Canada, former Chief Justice of the Supreme Court of Canada Beverley McLachlin — the first woman to ever hold that position — published her second novel Denial last year, bringing back defence attorney, Jilly Truitt, who must defend the wife of a high-powered “lawyer’s lawyer" on a murder charge.
Denial follows McLachlin’s 2018 debut novel, Full Disclosure, where she first introduced us to Truitt, and where legalizing medically assisted dying is the predominant theme. Writing legal thrillers, she says, gave her the chance to exercise her imagination while drawing on her decades of legal experience, including being the longest-serving Chief Justice. (2000-2017.)
Um, could you imagine Old White Male Editor asking her, the former Chief Justice of the nation’s highest court, about her romantic life; either before or after she was a recognized novelist?
McLachlin also wrote a memoir, Truth Be Told: The Story Of My Life And My Fight For Equality, in 2019, where she shares how years before the Supreme Court of Canada had to rule on the legality of medically assisted dying, her terminally ill husband asked her to end his life with an overdose of morphine.
One of the joys, she says, of writing legal fiction is “You do get into the cases even though they are imaginary cases…”
What I found most intriguing in this article, was that McLachlin says she wanted to develop a “strong female character who is a strong professional woman,” because she was tired of reading books where all the lead characters are male. “Of course, in the last 10 years we have seen a lot more interesting characters that are women emerge, but at the time I started thinking about this, many years ago, there weren’t that many. It was a man’s world.”
She says she didn't have many role models as she tried to develop her legal career. (Sound familiar?)
“There were just so few women so I thought it would be fun to write a book about a woman who is strong. She has her problems. She has her imperfections, but she is a good lawyer who fights for her clients. That was kind of what interested me in doing this kind of thing in the first place.”
So, on that note — does anyone have any objections? No? We’ll break then. All rise! — check out the finalists of the re:book’s annual #WriteAway Contest, in part two, where one lucky winner will win an automatic publishing contract, under re:book’s publishing house!
As for my response to the Old White Male Editor? What I should have said is to just go fuck himself with his assumptions…nothing. I have a feeling he will never accept get that maybe lawyers are attracted to me — not the other way around — because maybe I can tackle them intellectually, engage in meaningful conversations about news and politics, have strong views on a wide-variety of subjects that I can “defend” equally and fiercely.
But I’ll leave that to the court of public opinion. I would love to hear your thoughts here!
Until next time, flip your hair, and flip the page (and flip the bird to Power Penises in Publishing.)
xoxo,
Rebecca
P.S. RE:BOOK’s debut author Danielle Kaplan and her memoir, I Married A Thrill-Seeker, is already on its second print-run and can be pre-ordered here and here. If you live in America, you can pre-order it here and here and here.
To learn more about Danielle Kaplan, and her incredible memoir, you can also visit her website at www.IMarriedAThrillSeeker.com