My 13 secRE:t tips on how to be hated (and grow a thicker skin!): Part 2

“The important thing is to realize that no matter what people's opinions may be, they're only just that — people's opinions. You have to believe in your heart what you know to be true about yourself. And let that be that.” — Mary J. Blige

1.) You have only two choices. I always think back to this one therapist I saw many years ago after a breakup. He’d pointed to an empty chair in his office and said he had women coming to see him, sitting in that very chair, waiting for their ex to come back sometimes for more than 10 years. And then he’d asked me, “Do you want to be one of those women, or do you want to move on?” Basically, he was telling me I had two choices, and his probing question has served me well, not just when it comes to my writing career but in life in general. But I’m human — my heart isn’t bulletproof, so I will get upset. And whether that’s for a few minutes or an hour, I CHOOSE to move on from negative comments. The other choice is to NOT move on. So, I’ll ask you: do you want to sit in the same chair, wallowing for 10 years over a negative comment or rejection? Or would you rather choose to go back to being your badass self and get back to work?

RE:member: Being or remaining upset is a choice.

2.) You can't please everyone: Yes, humans and writers know this on a visceral level, but it’s completely true. There will always be someone who doesn’t like what you’ve written, or gets offended, or will go out of their way to tear you down over what you write. Maybe they don't like your writing style or genre. But if your target audience enjoys your writing, that's all that matters. (I'm speaking to you, Kim!) Always believe — because it's true — that you are touching other people’s lives with what you write.

RE:member: You're not writing for the people who will dislike your article, blog or book. You're writing for those who will and already do.

3.) The 1/10 rule: Something I learned, and was told by a VERY BIG EDITOR early on in my career, is that for every one person who makes a nasty or negative comment, there are 10 other readers who really enjoyed your work but don’t comment. I can’t count the number of times I've been slammed publicly on comment boards, but receive such supportive responses from readers who send me messages privately. So, if you get 10 negative comments, there are 100 people who actually have lives and won’t comment, either because they have better things to do or it simply doesn’t cross their minds.

RE:member: Forget about that one negative comment and remember the 10 other readers who don't comment but loved what you wrote.

4.) Writing confidence: I put equally as much weight/thought into positive comments as I do negative ones. If you train your brain to get into this mindset, you won't feel hated or loved, whether a comment is positive or negative. You will also feel good about what you’ve written even when it’s criticized. Positive and negative comments are often both momentary, knee-jerk reactions. Allow yourself a minute to wallow in the negative one if you need to, but take the same amount of time to feel good about the positive one, too. Then get back to work! If you hang onto or try to dissect negative comments or reviews for too long, it will obliterate your writing confidence. Go re-read all the positive comments if you need to.

RE:member: Your writing will become restricted if it's tied to the opinions of other people, whether you get glowing comments or horrific ones.

5.) Perspective is everything! Ask yourself if the negative comment or rude criticism came from someone you actually care about. Once, a writer added in her “review" of one of my books that no one in her “social circle” would “take me seriously” as a writer. I had no idea who this person was, let alone who was in her social circle. So why would I care about someone’s opinion that I don’t know at all? Consider where or whom the critique is coming from. How much value are you going to place on some random reviewer on Amazon or a random commenter on your blog post? Ask yourself how valid their reason is for disliking something.

RE:member: Ask yourself, “AM I GOING TO CARE ABOUT THIS COMMENT OR REVIEW IN A YEAR?” The answer, most likely, is “Not a chance!” So, why let them get under your skin now?

6.) Visualize haters: I read somewhere that haters are like crickets. Crickets make a lot of noise. You hear them, but you can't see them. Then right when you walk by them, they’re quiet. Haters are really like crickets. Trust me, a lot of people become very brave behind their screens. I’m not asking you to stop coming up with 128 hypothetical comebacks to negative reviewers or commenters while you’re showering, but I am asking you to consider whether they would say it to your face. You put your work out there, which is brave. What is not brave (it's entirely cowardly) are anonymous commenters and trolls. It helps to visualize these people as what they actually are — trolls sitting behind their computers, with their own low self-esteem and insecurities, who have never really accomplished anything, and have no friends and certainly nothing better to do. Why else would they waste their time trashing you or your work?

RE:member: Negative commenters are only as significant as you allow them to be.

7.) Do not respond: This goes back to the above tip and what I mentioned in the anti-Eckler article, which is, “Never wrestle with a pig. You’ll both get dirty, and only the pig will enjoy it.” I tend never to respond to negative reviews or comments that attack me or my writing, unless I’m stoned the commenter is factually incorrect, and even then, I mostly won't engage these days. Because guess what? Haters or trolls want you to engage. If you want to hold the position of power and show that you have thick skin — even if you don’t — well, silence speaks volumes. If you choose to engage, you’ll end up feeling more frustrated and down. Why do that to yourself? And if you just can’t help yourself? Definitely don’t react immediately; take some time to mull over a smart response. That said, though, my advice is still to let it go! What others say is a reflection of them, not you. Why would you respond to rudeness?

RE:member: You are wasting precious time engaging with trolls, time that you could use to finish your book, next manuscript, pitch articles, or write.

8.) Blocking: There is a sense of power that comes with blocking nasty trolls. Unless, you have actively asked people for constructive criticism or feedback, in which case you need to hear them out, because they’re trying to help you, not hurt you. Blocking doesn’t mean that you can’t take criticism. If a troll is just being mean, spiteful or hurtful? Bye-bye! You don't need that negativity in your life. Always remember that your emotional well-being matters. You don't need to defend yourself either. Blocking people who don't add value to your work, or life for that matter, forces you not to be tempted to respond, which means you’ll have more time and energy to continue to work toward achieving your dream or end goal.

RE:member: Although it may seem childish to “block" someone, if they’re leaving you nasty comments or messages, they are not your target audience anyway, so block away!

9.) Bad day? I tend to think that anyone who has the time to post something insulting about me or my writing is having a bad day, and It’s ME giving them a free pass. If you train your brain to have compassion for haters, you won’t feel hated — you’ll just feel sad for them. Ask yourself if their comment seems extreme. For example, “The wrath of their comment doesn’t add up to what I wrote about winter hats. So, something else must be going on in their lives.” Some people like being nasty or judgmental because it gives them a sense of moral superiority. The world is full of people waiting to tear you down. But it's really up to you, again, whether you should give AF or not.

RE:member: If you treat the haters as if they’re just having a bad day and need to lash out, their "tantrums” won’t matter as much, if at all.

10.) It’s not you. Okay, maybe it is: You cannot take some comments or reviews personally (unless you asked.) Why? If you take something personally, then to some degree, you’re agreeing with what commenters or reviewers say. It takes time — maybe even years — to develop a thick skin, and part of that development is understanding that being upset is, again, a choice! It’s simple, but people are probably not happy with their lives if they’re busy discussing or dissecting yours. Are you really going to let a random stranger ruin your day, let alone your week? You are responsible for how you react, no matter what someone writes or does.

RE:member: You are always in control of your thoughts. Choose to feel confident rather than angry or insecure.

11.) Haters are motivators. I know I'm a good person. And if you're a good person, then ask yourself this: Does it really matter if some asshat gets pissed off and insults you? I don't write to purposely offend people, and if you're a good person — and a functioning adult — you need to know how to move on and not let negative comments get under your skin. I don’t give reasons for anyone to hate me — again, I know I'm a good person — and haters tend to create their own little drama, usually out of jealousy. Haters sometimes secretly wish to be you. You will realize your haters are actually fans and look up to you for being you. Use the haters to perform better. Use those stones they throw at you and continue to write. Continue what you do best and be happy about it. Haters hate that. Nothing kills your haters like seeing you content, which is why writers should use their haters as motivators (or motiv-haters…ha). Trust me, your biggest critics will eventually copy what you do.

RE:member: You should love your haters. They usually are your biggest fans.

12.) Find the humour! Often when people write insulting comments, I actually laugh. I'm a lifestyle writer, not a political writer. And usually when readers get offended, I truly do find their negative comments funny. Why? Well, when you really think about it, you realize that people don't have to comment on what you post. I used to keep every single rejection letter that I got from publishers — usually from other territories — so I could frame them. I mean, how awesome would it look to have a wall of framed rejections? (I may have a different sense of humour than most, but find the funny is all I’m saying!)

RE:member: If they really don’t like you, why are they reading you? I find that, in itself, funny.

13.) Karma is a bitch, bitch: Whether you believe in God, the universe, or crystals, karma is out there. At least I believe it is…and that it’ll come back to bite anyone who purposely goes out of their way to annihilate you for no real reason. I keep thinking of one specific person who tried to do this constantly in a power dynamic. And I took it. All I kept thinking was, “You should be nice to the people on your way up, because you don’t know who’s going to be there on your way down.”

RE:member: Whether Karma bites them in two weeks, two months or two years, haters tend never to win at the end.

The End.

Until next time, flip your hair and flip the page (and remember, haters should be your motiv-hators!)

xo

Rebecca