Obituaries, bucket list, and my Uber Eats driver

“I’ve opted for fun in this lifetime.” 

— Jerry Garcia, lead guitarist of the Grateful Dead

My constant endless curiosity — a trait that writers, authors, and journalists should have to stand out — really may kill me. 

I’m not kidding when I say my cause of death might just be curiosity. 

Before I delve into how reading obits make you a better writer, I’d like to talk about Erion.

When I say I read everything, that includes profiles of my Uber Eats delivery drivers. (Wait…you don’t do this?)

So, when I recently clicked on my Uber Eats driver’s profile I “met” Erion, a diamond-rated driver who has made 29,896 deliveries with a 100% customer satisfaction rating!

I had a sudden and complete fascination obsession with Erion. Imagine the stories this dude must have!

 A million random questions popped into my already crowded and overburdened mind:  What does Erion do when he isn’t delivering? Does he have hobbies, like playing the guitar or gardening? Is he vegan? Does he have pets? A favourite song? Does he ever “sample" the food — maybe sneaks a fry or two?

GAH!

All these unknowns are killing me. And inspiring me.

Inspiration can come from all sorts of places. An Uber Eats driver’s profile, for instance, is chalkfull of potential story prompts, character development ideas, and ways to build a memorable narrative.

 Erion has become a fictional (somewhat erotic) character in my mind.

“When the door finally opened, there she stood — naked as an undressed hamburger. Was she thinking a different kind of tip? As Erion thought about accepting her invitation inside, he pondered how this would affect his 100% satisfaction customer rating.  Would she rate his delivery too slow? Shit, too fast? An improper hand off?  Before he could close his insulated carry bag, sporting the name of a competitor’s delivery service, she was….”

I’ll finish my Uber Eats novel — based on Erion — at some point. Writers and authors could also learn a lot from obituaries.

Author Joyce Maynard has said all writers should make a habit of reading obituaries — the non-fiction poetry of the dead. (Happy poetry month!)

A writer can find endless inspiration for story ideas and characters in these literary send-offs, which can teach you how to become a better writer. (See below for a short Q&A with an obit writer, who really illustrates how writing an obit is like writing a short story and its own art form!)

After researching obit writers, I’m dying — excuse the pun — to go to ObitCom. (It’s now on my bucket fuck-it list. (Read this article to learn about what else is on my bucket fuck-it list.)

Every two years, there is a conference just for obituary writers — who knew? — called ObitCon. The most recent was a three-day event held in Washington, D.C. in 2019.

On the final day, the Grimmys (Get it? Grim?) are awarded. 

Celebrating excellence in obituary writing, it’s the equivalent to the Oscars for obit writers. Categories include “best short form obit,” (under 800 words) “best long-form obit,” (over 800 words) “best obit of an ordinary person,” “obituary writer of the year,” and the “lifetime achievement award.”

Canadian Tom Hawthorn not only won “best obit of an ordinary person” for the Globe and Mail, he was also once the recipient of the “lifetime achievement” award. 

I mean, it’s all too good! A lifetime achievement award for writing obits? Can it get any better? 

Yes! The winning trophies are shaped as tombstones!

I need to become a member of SPOW — The Society of Professional Obituary Writers (who knew, right?) so I can punch my ticket at ObitCon. Unfortunately, they aren’t taking new members until “after the pandemic.”

I reached out to numerous members of The Society of Professional Obit Writers. 

First? Have you heard about Kathleen Hearn, who passed away in 2020?

She penned her own obituary.

"It pains me to admit it, but apparently, I have passed away…I now will check the obituaries and finally see my name there," her obit reads. 

“I now have the smoking hot body I have always wanted…having been cremated,” she wrote in her own obit. 

Meanwhile, Jill Orr, author of The Good Byline, amongst other cozy mysteries, describes reading obituaries as “one of the most life-affirming pursuits out there.” 

Her protagonist reads obits from multiple newspapers every day as a hobby, searching for “tiny illuminating details of a life well lived,” vicariously living through other (dead) people.

For Orr, the obituary section is a perfect place to find potential victims for authors who want to write thrillers or mysteries. (It's also a good way to find character names. Just sayin’!)

Those on “the death beat”  — some call themselves “deadheads,” and not in the Jerry Garcia way — are some of the most hilarious people I have ever interviewed. 

One responded to my request with, “I may have time to answer your questions this weekend, depending on how many people die.” (Yes, they were kidding!) 

Another? “Thank you so for reaching out. I’ll take part. I’m swamped with writing obits today, but we supposedly have a holiday weekend coming up — though, for an obituary writer, ‘holiday’ depends on people not dying, ha!” (Yes, they were kidding!)

“Remembering and honouring people seems perfectly natural and beautiful. I guess I'm disconnected from this idea that what I do is depressing or dark that causes someone to grimace when they hear what I do at a party,” says Jamie Passaro, founder of DearPersonObits.com

“I’m inspired by things they’ve said or done,” Passaro says. “I remember little things, like one grandfather's way of remembering small things from conversations and then following up later, reading a book that was mentioned… It makes me want to be like that person one day — like that grandparent. How beautiful to pay such close attention.”

Readers are always hungry for personal stories, searching for meaning and, maybe, insight on how to live our Best Life. “How better to do that than to read what the world is going to remember about someone who has died?” asks Passaro. 

Writing obits is a great example of “show, don’t tell.” Something all good writers know. 

“I don’t want to read that someone was ‘friendly.’ I want to read that they exchanged birthday gifts with their hair stylist. I want to read their imperfections or quirks,” explains Passaro.

Writers can learn from Obit writers how to tell a story in a very short digestible bursts that manage to encapsulate an entire life. Many obit writers approach obit writing as writing a novella about a person’s life.

In a few hundred words, you can read tales of heroism, true love, or rags-to-riches successes — lives worth remembering, even if you didn’t know them.

Obit writers can finish a publishable piece, with copious research, within hours. 

Aspiring authors can develop the same skills to set writing goals, be it a set word count each day or putting in a certain amount of hours each week.

“My job is to tell their story in a way that readers find engaging,” says award-winning U.K.-based obit writer Tim Bullamore, whose obits appear in The Times and Daily Telegraph. He believes the obits should absolutely be the first page you read. 

“Providing you’re not featured in it, then the day can begin,” he says. “If you are featured in it, you’ve perhaps got a problem!” (See? Obit writers are funny!) 

“It’s astonishing how many people erase one, or more, of their former spouses from history; when the obit appears we then have to deal with exes who are not only grieving but have also been denied their place in the record,” he says. “I recently wrote about a classical singer whose widow told me about his first wife. It later transpired she was wife number five. Neither she, nor reference books, had mentioned wives two, three, and four — all of whom were upset to have been left out.”

Before writing, the first thing he does is check that the person is actually dead.

“There’s nothing worse than publishing an obit for an un-dead person,” he says. (Ah, Brits and their “deadpan” humour!)

Since every word counts for obit writers — just like Ted Talks, which I’m also obsessed with and you can also read about here — writers can learn a lot from reading obits on the daunting task of choosing which details will tell a vivid story within a few hundred words.

Obits need fact-checking, double-checking, and checking again — a job that seems to be also, um, dying in the publishing world.

“Never take at face value any fact a grieving family tells you, no matter how well meaning and sincere they are,” says Bullamore. “Uncle Joe was probably not the first to climb that mountain; Grandpa may have had a good war, but the reason he never showed you his medals was because he never received them; Aunt Ethel almost certainly didn’t cook the best meal the Queen ever ate, even if she was told that.”

He often thinks of the people he writes about and “the privilege” it is to be brought into their lives (albeit posthumously.)

 “I don’t like narratives that make a life seem smooth and effortless: all of us have had broken hearts, lost jobs and minor traffic violations — let’s get the real person,” he says.

Maureen O'Donnell, who wrote obits for the Chicago Sun-Times (and a three-time winner of the Grimmy Awards!), says she always remembers “the five Ws” — who, what, when, where, why — in other words, journalism 101. 

 “I often will ask, when you picture them in your mind, what are they doing? What pops into your head first? Sometimes they'll say, oh, he's working under the car or she's making her famous gumbo,” says O’Donnell. She’ll also ask, “What was the first thing I'd notice if I met them?”

Linnea Crowther at legacy.com was just an English major looking for work when she saw Legacy.com was hiring. She figured she had to apply, if for no other reason than to be able to “tell the story about that time I interviewed at this obituary website.”

She got the job, which turned into a lifelong career she “loves”  — she’s written several thousand obits.

Obit writers also often choose a person unknown by the general public but has a fascinating story — they have learned skills to “spot” a good story.

Each morning, Crowther first scours the news for deaths of notable people who’ve made headlines. If it’s about a musician, she will listen to their music while writing. If she’s writing about an actor, she may watch clips. This helps her "get in the mood" and understand their work better.

“There’s so much detail to sift through and determine what is crucial to their legacy and what I’m going to have to choose not to include,” she says. She highly suggests leaving out in any obit salacious drama. “This is the final record of a life — do we really want to rehash family conflicts or bad decisions there?” she asks.

“I don’t want readers to feel titillated by drama in an obit. I want them to understand the person’s legacy. When someone is writing an obit for a family member, I hope they have the same aim," she says. “If there are bad memories, it’s better to talk them out than enter them into public record.”

Katharine Lowrie, founder of obituary writing service theprecis.com, says more and more folks want pre-obits. “I have about 10 of those in draft form waiting for the client’s representatives to contact me,” says Lowrie.

 Writing her first obit — about her mother — was nearly impossible. Stunned to find it so difficult, she wondered what those without her extensive journalism experience would endure; thus, her obit writing service was born.

 Having written celebrity profiles for years, Lowrie says many of the same rules apply: namely, ask the right questions!

Obit writers also have imposed deadlines. Aspiring authors can learn to apply the same deadlines to their manuscripts…by writing as if your job depended on it.

Having written several hundred obituaries, Lowrie concludes, “Good obituaries are super compelling! They tell the story of a person's life. Who doesn't love learning about interesting people? When reading a great obituary you should feel like you knew the person. That's a powerful thing.”

The End. (No pun intended!) Now…

Dead Heads: A Lively Q&A with Obit Writer Jane Learner of LivesLivedObituaries.com

RE:BOOKS: How did you become an obit writer? Surely, that couldn’t have been your dream. (Or was it?)

Jane Learner: I worked for many years as a newspaper reporter following my graduation from the School of Journalism at Columbia University in New York City.  Part of the job involved writing obituaries. Newspapers published obituaries free of charge as a community service, and the obituary section was always the most popular part of the newspaper.

That started to change about 15 years ago as the newspaper industry fell on hard times. Now, if you want an obituary to run in print or online, you have to pay for it — often a lot of money. And guess what? You have to write it yourself. Writing an obituary is not easy, especially if you’ve never done it before. It’s even harder when you’re grieving. 

As a professional obituary writer, I do the work for you. I ask you questions about your loved one and write the obituary based on the information you give me. I can even give you tips on how to share the obituary without paying for it to be published in a newspaper. 

An obituary is the final written account of a person’s life. A well-written obituary is a work of art — something to be treasured by families and friends. ​I am committed to helping families and individuals make that last impression with sensitivity, style and accuracy.

RE:BOOKS: What is your process for writing obits?

Jane Learner: Most people reach out to me through my website or through the member directory of the Society of Professional Obituary Writers. Once I get an inquiry, I make sure to answer ASAP — within the hour.

I offer to send the person links to obituaries I have written. I offer to set up a time for a telephone conversation. During this conversation, I tell them about myself, my background and my passion for making an obituary more like a short story about an interesting person than a dull recitation of names, dates and places. 

The next step is to schedule a time for me to interview the family member. This usually requires about an hour. I ask a lot of questions and take notes. There’s almost always additional information that the person needs to gather and send to me by email. Once I have most of the information, I begin the writing process. When I give the obituary to the family, I remind them that it is a first draft. I am happy to make whatever changes they want.

RE:BOOKS: How difficult is obit writing?

Jane Lerner: Writing an obituary is very difficult for someone who is not a professional writer and has never written one before. Remember, this is the final word on a person’s life. You want to capture the essence of that person, not just when he or she was born, got married, graduated, etc. I believe that everyone deserves a beautifully written final tribute.

RE:BOOKS: How long, typically, does it take you to write one? Are some more difficult than others?

Jane Learner: Every obituary I write is unique. I approach every obituary like I’m writing a short story about a person’s life. The more information I have from the family, the better the result. Often families need an obituary immediately because they want to share it before a funeral or memorial service. As a former newspaper reporter, I know how to work fast. I never miss a deadline! 

RE:BOOKS: Do you ever think of the people you write about?

Jane Lerner: I often think about the people I write about. Even though I never meet them, I learn so much about them by talking to their families. When I’m done writing the obituary I often wonder if the subject would be pleased with the result.

I have also been hired to write an obituary “pre-need.” This is sometimes done by a person who knows how hard it is to write an obituary and wants to make sure it’s done to their satisfaction. Some people also want to spare their families the difficult experience of writing an obituary, so they hire me to write it before it is needed. I advise them to give a copy to the director of the funeral home they intend to use and a copy to a trusted friend or family member. 

RE:BOOKS: In your opinion, why do people love reading obits?

Jane Lerner: Obituaries are short stories. A good obituary paints a portrait of the subject, what he or she enjoyed doing, greatest accomplishments, funny stories. Most importantly a good obituary describes how much the subject meant to people in his or her life. 

RE:BOOKS: Top tips for what should be in an obit and top tips as to what should NOT be in an obit?

Jane Lerner: I remind people that an obituary is also a historical document. Years from now, a descendant doing genealogical research may come across the obituary. Be thorough. Remember, accuracy counts. If you are writing an obituary for your mother, for example, what was her maiden name? What was her mother’s maiden name? Your dad was in the military. What branch? Where was he stationed? Year of high school or college graduation? 

I also advise people to take the high road. If there’s an estranged sibling, for example, mention that person as a survivor. And be sensitive about other issues that arise in families. An obituary is no place for family squabbles. 

People can find Jane and more about her writing services through her website. Fill out the contact form, and she’ll get right back to you! 

Until next time, flip your hair and flip the page! (And if you ever get an Uber Eats driver named Erion, tell him I’m looking for him.)

xoxo,

Rebecca