Spellbound by spelling

“The only stupid thing about words is the spelling of them.”

— Laura Ingalls Wilder

Last week, I was driving and listening to a contest on my favourite morning radio station, where a listener has 60 seconds to answer as many random questions as possible.

One of the questions was, “How do you spell ‘monopoly?’”

The listener didn't even attempt to spell the word before shouting, “Pass!” 

I groaned. But candidly? I also felt quite…satisfied.

Why? I’m humiliated by spell-check pretty much every time I sit down and write.

Considering I've spent my entire career as an author, editor and journalist, one of my greatest weaknesses, aside from cheesecake, should not be spelling. Yet it is. 

I probably deserve to be sent to a twelve-step program.

Hello. My name is Rebecca. And I’m a…terrible speller. 

Imagine all the fascinating authors I would meet at my imaginary S.A. (Spellers Anonymous) meeting. I’m far from being the only bestselling author unto whom this evil “spell" has been cast.

“... [I was] an extraordinarily bad speller and have remained so until this day,” said Agatha Christie, known as the Queen of Mysteries.

Hello Agatha!

Jane Austen’s personal letters and manuscripts contained numerous spelling and grammatical errors, later corrected by editors.

Hello. I am Jane Austen and I suck at spelling! (One of her chronic misspellings? “scissors” as “scissars.” Too bad she didn’t have spell-check, which would have fixed that instantly.)

Hello. I am Earnest Hemingway. In my manuscripts, I wrote “loveing” instead of “loving" and “moveing” instead of “moving.” Whenever an editor complains of these spelling errors I snarl, “That’s what you’re hired to correct!”

My sponsor would definitely be fellow struggling speller John Irving, author of the infamous novel, The World According to Garp, in which he reflected, “English is such a mishmash of different languages that no one should ever feel stupid for being a bad speller.”

As a memoirist at heart, I feel compelled to spill the proverbial tea about what else you’d discover at this Spellers Anonymous meet-up.

The goal of great writing is not to have a completely error-free manuscript or article, but rather to keep the reader spellbound: to hold the complete attention of (someone) as though by magic: fascinate.

A great writer is a great communicator. Unless the spelling (or grammar) jars readers out of their spellbound state, it just doesn’t fucking matter.

And those who still point out spelling errors are just spell-splaining. (Remember to come back to read this story I wrote about how My Guy and I only arguing when travelling because he’s a “plane-splainer.”)

Spell-splaining — that uber annoying habit of explaining that which is obvious to any reader but always followed with a but, as in “Her love for her country is clearly conveyed through her exchange with Sarah, but she spelled ‘…’ wrong.” 

Spell-splaining has gone digital with AI-writing assistants like spell-check, Grammarly, and the ubiquitous “predictive writing,” where I start typing out the first few letters of a word and, magically, my computer completes the rest of the sentence for me, which makes me wonder if the zombie apocalypse has begun.

I can assure you I’ve been reading my entire life and can kick your ass at Scrabble, and still, spell-check (which, next to O.B. Tampons and dry shampoo, I often think is the greatest invention on Earth) sometimes can’t even figure out WTF I’m trying to spell.

Spell-splainers, whether human or digital, all miss the point — being a poor speller no longer matters.

And, sure, if no one else will say it, I will: Thanks to technology and A.I. “writing assistants” like spell-check and Grammarly — which Forbes describes as a way that “quickly and easily makes your writing better and makes you sound like a pro, or at least helps you avoid looking like a fool” — does it matter if I’m a terrible speller, as long as my (or your) meaning is clear, and your story and prose are great?

There are just so many ways to get around spelling correctly, thanks to technology nowadays.

If spell-check doesn’t understand my intentions, after four or five attempts of trying to spell a word and seeing that damn red squiggly line, I just bang my head on my desk repeatedly replace the word with a synonym that spell-check recognizes. 

(A synonym is, basically, a word you use when you can't spell the other one you wanted to use.)

I love words, but what can I say? Words don’t often love me. Neither would musician John Mayer, who once said, “Ladies, if you want to know the way to my heart...good spelling and good grammar, good punctuation, capitalize only where you are supposed to capitalize, it's done.” (So, don’t bother sending fan mail unless you hire a proofreader first, or unless your body really is a wonderland.)

Whenever my work is error-free, no one congratulates me. But when, god forbid, I add an extra “s” to a word that spell-check didn't pick up? It prompts such judgmental reactions from spell-splainers, who I sometimes think are either linguistics professors or have no other way to amuse themselves.

Recently, a reader got so irate when I accidentally wrote the word “desert” instead of “dessert” — spell-check didn’t catch it — treating this error as a personal affront. I swear, at first I thought I was receiving a death threat.

I wanted to write back to this spell-splainer, “But you still understood that he was ordering dessert from the waiter, not ordering Palm Springs, right?”

I can assure you, no matter how many times a manuscript, article, blog, or newsletter has been poured over — even with all these AI "writing assistants,” which, BTW, are not fool-proof — it’s almost impossible to publish something that’s error-free. I can also assure you, we writers wish our works, from blogs to books, didn’t contain any errors.

There are some words I chronically misspell: “sandwich,” “restaurant,” “pneumonia” and “February.” (Apparently I'm not alone. Four out of 10 Americans admit they can’t spell “February” correctly either!) 

To be clear, of course knowing how to spell is important, as is reading. But perfect spelling is not a prerequisite to great writing these days. Unless it distracts the reader from their spellbound state, knowing how to spell as an author, frankly, seems overrated. And dare I say it? Outdated.

If I still haven’t learned to spell Febuary February by this point in my life, who cares? Spell-check has my back. (And shout-out to those who use the hashtag #humpday because they can’t spell “Wednesday” either!)

As an editor, albeit one who is a terrible speller, I probably do notice spelling errors or typos more than most — on menus, in advertisements, in fortune cookies, in prestigious newspapers, and even in popular books by very successful writers. And especially on posters at protests (“Freedom is Essenial!”) and on my kid’s report cards. “So if my son pays more attention, it will make all the ‘differance?’”) — which, to me, really proves just how many terrible spellers there are out there in the world, including educators.

But still, as cringe-worthy as this is, I still don’t spell-shame them. I still understand that the protester wasn't asking for “lower taxis” from our politicians.

As I tell my children, no one likes a tattletale!

Comedian Jim Gaffigan said it best. “Whenever you correct someone's grammar, just remember that nobody likes you.” 

His joke is equally apropos to spelling mistakes or typos.

Spell-splainers detest when they find spelling mistakes, bad grammar, or misused punctuation when reading anything, including dating profiles. “He wrote your beautiful instead of you’re beautiful. We’d never work!” 

One survey I read showed that a poor command of spelling and grammar is a bigger turnoff than bad sex.

Really?

Try sexting a guy that you want to suck his “cake” (thanks, autocorrect) and see how turned off he is by your spelling transgression.

Someone in publishing gave spelling snitches pointers on their website. “If you find a typo in a book, please write to the publisher, describe the typo and give the page, paragraph and the line numbers where is is located. The publisher should make the correction when the book reprints.” 

I found it hilarious, not just because this seems like a lot of work but because…Did YOU notice their own typo?

Re-read the paragraph to see if you can catch the typo in this “expert’s" snitch tip above. I'll give you a moment (will just take a quick washroom break).

So, did you notice the word “is” twice in a row? How many of you spotted the typo at first glance anyway? Exactly.

“We should not at any point regard overlooking mistakes as acceptable, even if there are sloppy readers who won’t notice them,” one spell-splainer said, which is sort of insulting to readers, who are at least still reading! (And, quite frankly, us “sloppy” spellers are keeping many copy editors and proofreaders in business.)

But most importantly, making the assumption that people who can’t spell are lazy or sloppy is exactly that: There is no significant research that associates spelling ability and intelligence. 

But alas, some spell-splainers just can’t stop themselves, and will tell you about a typo in your book or article, or even in this newsletter, to which I usually respond, “Whoops! Thanks for pointing that out,” while thinking, “If you can understand what I wrote enough to correct me, then why the fuck are you wasting your time pointing out a typo that was obviously a mistake?”

What really matters, to me at least, as a writer or reader is the story, characters, plot, pacing and dialogue — and mostly, that I’m “spellbound” by the story that’s being told.

Of course, I cringe when I see someone using their vs. there vs. they’re, or affect vs. effect, but it bothers me less and less in this digital age, where texting and Twitter has also resulted in textisms — abbreviations and other words that have entered into the mainstream vernacular, also causing our spelling skills to deteriorate. 

Have we become lazy spellers and readers or more efficient spellers and readers (think of all those seconds we’ve saved writing “kk” and “ttyl”)?

These days, I automatically assume spell-check didn’t pick up the error, or that autocorrect generated the error, or that the typer may have chubby fingers. (It happens, okay!)

An online discussion that started with the question, “How many errors per page volume is typically acceptable?” shows people’s tolerance level for “error rates,” especially in the age of self-publishing (although, even books from major authors who belong to major publishing houses often contain errors.) 

One chirped in with, “I don’t have a precise number but it shouldn’t feel like too many errors,” to the more critical, ‘No errors are acceptable, period. One typo lowers my confidence about the book’s quality,” (note, again, that there is no significant research that correlates spelling ability to intelligence) to the more forgiving, “I wouldn't mind three or four errors, as long as the flow is there and they don’t disrupt the reader.”

To sum up the thread: if a reader is into the book, and the error(s) is not so erroneous as to distract from the flow, most just don’t give a fuck.

Lots of readers seem to agree that they no longer judge a book by its typos. Many, in fact, have a sense of humour about it.

“I rant and rave and then I move on, after docking the author imaginary points,” one reader wrote. Another admitted they, “stare at the error, laugh at it, think about it for a few moments, move on. Sometimes I’ll take a picture and send it to a friend.” (Are spell pics the new dick-pics?)

Some will argue that the self-publishing world, where many authors can't afford proofreaders or editors, has too many sloppy writers, which leads to sloppy readers. Well, here’s why I’m teaching my kid to read by texting (and, like the headline says, it totally works.)

I’d argue that in this digital age, you can either embrace the evolution in the way we write and read and spell, or just become obsolete.

Yes, fine, there are exceptions. If you send in a manuscript peppered with typos and spelling errors, an editor probably will pass. And, also yes, if you spell words wrong in a cover letter or resume. you won’t get the job. 

And if you're one of my kids? I WILL make you sit down and write out the words you got wrong on that spelling test five times, no matter how much I (INSERT heart emoji HERE!). Even emojis have changed the way we communicate!

As for grammar? Whenever I write, I naturally hear words being spoken as if I’m conversing with someone. I remain unconcerned with my conversational tone, which would be — make that IS — grammatically incorrect on paper, yet readers almost universally understand the context.

I think readers in general now understand that a few spelling mistakes or typos, while annoying, are not shame-worthy.

Emails now even come with a get-out-of-spelling-jail-free card. Have you not received an email yet signing off with, “Please excuse any typos, spelling and grammatical errors. I'm typing this while commuting.”

If you haven’t, I assure you it’s only a matter of time.

So, is bad grammar, spelling or finding the odd typo a bigger turn-off than bad sex? I’d love to know your thoughts here.

Until next time, flip your hair and flip the page! 

xo

Rebecca

(*Please excuse any typos or spelling errors. I have kids.*)