“I have voices in my head. I’m a slave to imaginary people. I feel what they feel. I experience what they experience. I live in their world. And I’m devoted to translating their stories. I’m not crazy, I’m a writer.” —Charisse Spiers 

Wait? What? You’ve never had a boyfriend recite or write poetry to your vajayjay? (Sorry, I can’t think of a better word for vagina in polite company right now!) 

Just me? Alrighty then!

Maybe that’s because I dated an author quite seriously for a couple of years, sometime after my daughter was five and before I met the father of my son. Our final breakup was painful. I did love him. But I think a lot of our breakup had a lot to do with the fact we were both writers. I will get to that soon…

This ex-boyfriend was probably the most well-read man I have ever met. He was a beautiful writer. He was fascinating. I could listen to him talk for hours. Because he was such an avid reader, he really did know something about everything. It didn’t hurt that he was extremely handsome. We spent many afternoons just chatting. (The one thing most writers do really, really well is find ways to avoid writing.)

So, this author spent almost all of his free time—he seemed to have a lot of it—reading. He had at least 12 books on his end tables and rooms stacked with books. Everywhere I looked, there were books! Seeing this beautiful man reading was definitely a turn-on.

So when he would recite and write poetry to my vajayjay, I would just lie naked, trying not to burst into giggles, or sometimes trying not to doze off, wondering, “Is this totally weird? Or is this totally romantic?” So, you know…pros and cons of dating a writer and all!

Of course I thought it was odd. But he was a writer! Writers tend to be quirky. (And I still think it’s less creepy than ordering random women’s worn underwear online to sniff. WTF?)

But even if I were single, which I am not, I would never live with an author, let alone be in a relationship with one, ever again. I’ll tell you why soon, I promise! And because I’m a writer, author and avid reader, I’m surprised that any man would want to be in a relationship or live with me! I even asked my corporate tax litigator boyfriend three things he hates about his girlfriend (me!) and three things he loves about being in a relationship with me...just for you!

Below are what my boyfriend considers to be the pros of being in a relationship with a writer. In his words...

1. You’re well-read and intelligent.

2. You’re creative and your creativity extends beyond writing travel experiences and party planning. (I actually think if I weren’t a writer, I’d be quite good at this!)

3. You’re able to work on deadlines.

And below are the cons of being in a relationship with me…

1. You have a writing shut-off mode (which I mention in more detail below, and yes, sometimes if I’m in “writing mode” and he calls repeatedly, I can be pretty rude shouting, “I’m writing! What do you want?”).

2. Things from your dating life may end up in a book or article (something else I will get into another time!).

3. You have irregular hours and schedules.

So, um, yeah, that’s what MY guy thinks about being in a relationship with me! 

But allow me to digress…

Long ago, I went on a blind date. After meeting this dude for an afternoon walk, he invited me back to see—or show off—his place. Changing toilet paper rolls was more interesting to me than this guy was. And? He didn’t own one book. I mean, come on! Even hotel rooms still have bibles.

As much as I found it somewhat odd to have someone recite poetry to my private parts, I found it equally as odd to be in a guy’s home where there was not one book, newspaper or even Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue anywhere!

When I asked him why he didn’t have any books around, he answered, “I don’t read!”—which is, of course, exactly what a published writer and author wants to hear, on a first date, no less! So he was totally clueless, as well.

I bolted out of there immediately and, honestly, forgot his name five minutes later. Maybe if he had read, at least once in a while, he wouldn’t have been so incredibly dull. (#NoBooks? #NoMoreDates!)

You can learn a lot about someone from what’s on their bookshelves and the reading material in their washrooms. (Come on, gals, who hasn’t peeked?)

One of my favourite bestselling female Canadian novelists has been in a serious relationship with a male Canadian author for three decades. The secret to their long and happy relationship is the fact these two authors have never lived together, even after 30 years! She once told an interviewer, “I don’t know how I could get ideas or how I would know what I think about anything if I had the distraction of people in the house.” (I know! People are so distracting!)

Now that I’ve shared with you what my boyfriend thinks about being in a relationship with a writer, I’ll tell you a handful of reasons why I think the hot author and I broke up as a result of both being writers.

First, I’m a fairly quick writer. I really do put my head down when I’m writing a book, not having any social life while I write and rewrite, up to 12 hours a day for a solid six to nine months. 

That author boyfriend? He just didn’t have the same discipline. It would take him years to finish a manuscript. As our relationship progressed, I don’t think he loved seeing me write, edit and publish a book, go on a press tour, and start another book in the amount of time it took him to finish the first draft of a novel. He had a beautiful way with words, but it wasn’t like he was writing highbrow literature. Personally, I don’t think he liked my book advances either, which were sometimes 10 times higher than his, or when my books were picked up in other countries. (Did you know I have been a bestselling author in Germany too?)

I would often write in his kitchen as he wrote in the next room. Ninety percent of the time after I’d banged out 1,500 to 2,000 words, I would take a break and “visit” him, only to find him staring blankly at his screen, having written one sentence. 

“I could hear you madly clicking away, and I didn’t get anything done today,” he would moan. I totally get it! For many authors, it really does take several days to hone a perfect sentence. For me? It may take hours, but I don’t over-intellectualize every sentence. I just try to tell the damn story. There was always this feeling he resented my “good writing days,” which would then further paralyze his writing.

I also don’t write books only because I love writing, which I do. I always thought of writing as my job, first and foremost, not vanity projects or a hobby—which is why I don’t miss deadlines— while my author ex-boyfriend missed too many to count, such that I became embarrassed for him. To me, writing is a career, one that pays my bills, funds activities for my kids and allows me to live a certain lifestyle, where if I want to buy something, I can and I do.

Yes, I’m blessed. I am very lucky. Very, very few authors can write full-time, unless they are well-off, marry well or really don’t mind living as a true “starving artist,” barely scraping by. Most, if not all, authors I know have day jobs. I read that fewer than 1,000 fiction authors in North America make a living from writing.

So, as our relationship progressed, it was I who had a problem with him. I was a single mother. He was in his forties and rented a cheap apartment on the third floor in a house, just like I did…in my early twenties.

Make no mistake: there is nothing at all wrong with how he lived—he was happy. I liked his place—until I realized that maybe I wanted another child and he had an aversion to, um, getting any job that would provide a stable income. “I’m an author!” he’d argue—which, frankly, I thought was just plain snobby. 

How could I have a kid with this hot author, even though he did want to have a kid with me? Kids are expensive! I know his advance for the book he was writing when we were together was $7,000. Um, could you live on $7,000, not just for a couple of months or a year but over many years, which is how long it took him to write a book? (I will get into the sad reality of book advances some other time!) But personally, if I couldn’t live from writing my books and wanted to have a baby? I would find a friggin’ job! Isn’t it called being a “responsible adult”?

Finally, while I do have author friends—almost all of whom have day jobs—my closest friends are not in the literary world. My best friend is a real estate agent! Very rarely do I share what I’m working on with anyone. Like, ever. I really don’t like talking about my “job.” (“Are you working on another book?” someone may ask. My answer? “We’ll see! I hear you got a puppy. Tell me more!”) I mean, do you like to talk about your job at the end of a long working day? I have other, non-writing-related stuff I’d much rather talk about. 

My author ex-boyfriend would constantly complain about bad writing days, about his agent who ignored him, about the rewrites his editor wanted. He was both in a constant state of having an ego—“Don’t they know who I am?”—and in a constant state of insecurity—“I’m never going to finish this book. I can’t do it! I might as well give up now and die!” His constant angst became too much!

He also seemed to fancy himself as some sort of literary giant, who especially enjoyed hanging around other very literary people. He would get pissed off if I were invited to some literary award ceremony or a book launch, and he was not. For real! I truly do not care if I’m invited to a party or not, so this was also a side of him that wasn’t very attractive. (Don’t worry! He managed to sneak into parties, as most social climbers do!)

There were other reasons for the breakup, of course, but I stayed away from dating other writers from then on, which is why I’m in a relationship with a tax lawyer, who puts up with a lot being in a relationship with me! (Although I do make him “talk tax” to me because I find it sexy and fascinating!)

Have you ever been in a relationship with a writer or author? What were the pros and cons? Did you make it work? Or was an ending—no pun intended—inevitable? Share here!