Why you shouldn’t care about reviews

“There might be times when you put your whole heart and soul into something, and you’re met with cynicism or scepticism, but you can’t let that crush you. You have to let that fuel you. We live in a world where anyone can say anything that they want about you at any time. But just please remember that you have the right to prove them wrong.”

—Taylor Swift (2021) 

Sometimes, I really do need adult supervision or at least a therapist to trail me 24/7, asking questions like, “What really is motivating you to do this?” Or, “Why do you feel the need to do this?” Or, “What will you get out of this?” 

I recently reached out to a female book reviewer who wrote a scathing review of my book How to Raise a Boyfriend ten years ago. Why did I do this? Honestly? Boredom. Also, I kinda like to entertain myself. That’s it! Nothing more, nothing less! And I would say this to my therapist (whom I call Freud because his name is Lloyd and I like to rhyme whenever I can).

Even though this review had been published in one of Canada’s national newspapers, I actually hadn’t seen or read this review before last month, when I was looking for something I had written.

I read only a few snippets since the entire link was broken, so I couldn’t read more than I did, which was probably for the best. I had read enough to glean that not only did she really dislike the book, but she also really disliked me. Here’s a taste of what this female reviewer wrote about me…

“You can get away with acting like a bitchy, shallow, needy, immature princess who goes through boyfriends faster than bikini waxes if you know you are one.”—Reviewer

I know, right? Ouch! And, to be clear, I’ve had many more bikini waxes than boyfriends. I think.

Allow me to rewind for a second…

If an author tells you they don’t read reviews of their book? Well, I would hazard a guess that 98% of them are lying about that. I do, however, happen to fall within that 2% because I stopped reading reviews of my books, for the most part. Like I mentioned, I hadn’t read that scathing book review, which I will delve into momentarily, until last month, ten years after the fact, and that’s only because I was looking for something else and had to Google my name. 

In the good old days, publishing houses actually had ONE dedicated publicist for each author, who would come with you to every single television or radio appearance. I vividly remember how one time, when one of my early books came out, it was raining outside, and my publicist, who was at my side for a solid two weeks as I went on my book tour — we are still great friends to this day — insisted on holding an umbrella over my head so my hair wouldn’t get wet as we headed into a studio to do a morning breakfast television interview, even though I myself wasn’t holding anything! 

I’ll admit, it was the very first time, and the very last, I kind of felt like Jennifer Lopez for a nanosecond! (Not going to lie! I liked it!) 

But these days? Publicists, who now have to promote multiple authors at once — budgets are tight at publishing houses — will just email you with where you need to be and at what time, and that’s about it. No one is holding an umbrella over my head anymore — let’s just say that much! And this is why so many authors have to be their own best advocates, even going so far as hiring their own publicists, with money from their own pockets, not from the publishing house.

I also didn’t know this in my early days as an author. Before podcasts and Peloton bikes, publicists and agents actually tried to protect the author's feelings, only sending you positive reviews. The only way to know if someone had written a less-than-stellar review of your book was if someone told you about it. (And who wants to be that asshole? But let's be real. There IS always that one asshole.) So, yeah, this is why I only knew, and still only know, about the fabulous reviews but was, and still sometimes am, clueless about the terrible ones.

I tend not to read reviews, or try not to, for a number of reasons, which, again, is why I only saw snippets of this scathing review a decade later. A long time ago, I set up a Google Alert with my name so whenever my name was mentioned somewhere, I would get an alert. My alerts blew up whenever one of my columns was published in the National Post or when one of my books was released.

I realized quite quickly that I actually didn’t want to know what people had to say. It made me sometimes feel…bad. So, sometime between when my first book, Knocked Up, was released and when How to Raise a Boyfriend came out seven years later, I unsubscribed from getting Google Alerts. 

Whether a review was good, bad or somewhere in between, I would hear about it only if people told me. I stopped Googling my name entirely years ago, always with that motivational thought that “Someone else’s opinion of me is none of my business.” (It’s true, and if you train your brain — another rhyme! — to think this way, you really will feel so much better about yourself.)

“Never wrong a writer. They get their revenge in print” is another funny quote — or at least, I find it sort of funny and many times true. Or these days, they get their “revenge” on Twitter, comment boards, Amazon reviews or even your windshield wiper if god forbid you don't park in between those two yellow lines, which has happened to me!

THIS IS NOT THAT! I promise!

So, back to my moment of boredom and reaching out to the reviewer who slammed my book and called me a “bitchy, shallow, needy, immature princess.”

I’m not going to mention this woman's name, nor the publication, and never will, because guess what? This story does have a completely surprising and very shockingly HAPPY ENDING. (If your mind went to the other kind of “happy ending,” what’s up?)

Coupled with that moment of boredom, I am also just always overly curious, about everything, especially people. “F**k it,” I thought. “Reach out to this woman reviewer who called you a bitch! Just do it for your own entertainment,” which is exactly what I did!

It was easy to track her down. I just typed her name into Facebook and sent her a message. It took me 12 seconds! And I AM going to just share our entire exchange, taking out only one or two tiny details to protect this woman’s identity, so you can read what I wrote to her and her response to me and my response to her response and her response to my response, and also so you can see, generally, just how I usually interact with people…. Here it is!

ME/AUTHOR: Hi [name]. I hope you're staying safe and keeping your spirits up. It's been quite the year. So, why am I reaching out? I'm about to launch something in a couple months, a book newsletter, for women, to support women authors and female readers. I was looking back to find something, but the newsletter I plan to launch really IS about women supporting women. So when I was doing some research, I came across a review you had written about my book, How To Raise a Boyfriend. You came down quite hard on me. No worries. I actually had a great giggle at it. I had never read it before. But you were quite harsh. (Others were harsher. One person said that no one in their social circle would take me "seriously") You wrote; “You can get away with acting like a bitchy, shallow, needy, immature princess and relationship expert who goes through boyfriends faster than bikini waxes if you know you are one.”

I'm curious, do you feel any sort of remorse for coming down so hard on a young writer -- I was young at that time. I appreciate everyone is entitled to their opinion, as are you, of course. I really am curious if you would still come down on young authors -- who CHOOSE to write chick-lit books. Or would you maybe now look at it like, "Okay, I don't get her humour, but others might?) I mean, the book sold in numerous territories, was optioned for television and audio rights were sold. I'm wondering what you think of your review after so many years. Again, I just read snippets of it for the first time. The link is now broken. Anyway, curious! Stay safe and hopefully you can enjoy this beautiful day!

REVIEWER: Hi Rebecca - Actually it's interesting you're writing to me, as I have been feeling bad about what I wrote for a while now. I'm just heading out the door for the day, but will write more later. For now, I'd just like to say I'm sorry, I would never do that today, and I regret it!

ME: Hey [name]! Honestly? I really was just curious. I don’t want you to think that I’m angry or upset at it. I was truly truly just curious. Trust me, I’m sure there are many things I would never write about today! I think we’d actually get along in person! I’m nice! I promise! Anyway, thanks for the response — a pleasant surprise! Perhaps one day we shall meet and have a cocktail. (I AM funny when tequila comes out!) 😜 Hope you had a nice day. Stay safe! Warmly, Rebecca.

REVIEWER: Sorry for the delay! I’d love to meet for a drink one day.  Thanks for reaching out... As weird as this might sound, I appreciate the opportunity to apologize. It really was bothering me…Take care.

ME: No worries! Honestly! I’m Jewish and forgiveness is our jam! I would love to meet for a drink...whenever that will happen! Please don’t let it bother you, not one bit! I really was just curious and I’m the type of person who just reaches out to people for all sorts of reasons just...because! It shouldn’t bother you at all. We are good! I promise! 🙏

REVIEWER: Thanks, Rebecca. Stay well and let's grab a drink maybe this summer.

And there you have it! I actually applaud this woman because she could have just ignored my message and blocked me. And yet she didn’t. I do truly feel her apology is genuine and came from the heart, and who knew she had been “feeling bad” about what she wrote “for a while now” and also that she appreciated “the opportunity to apologize.” Women love to say that they are “women who support women,” but this has not always been the case, and this is one of the inspirations and intentions for re:books — a place to support female authors.

Will we meet for a drink? Probably not. But our exchange not only made ME feel better, but it made HER feel better, which made ME feel better. It also shows a few other things, which I will mention along with how I also feel about book reviews:

1. This reviewer recognized, I think, that while my writing style or the content of that book, or any of my books for that matter, may not be her or other reviewers’ jams, there is quite a large audience that does appreciate breezy reads. Why else would my books be optioned for movies and television shows and sell in so many other countries? (Which is where I make money off my books.) I’d add that while a review may be read by numerous people, the reviewer is just ONE person, so should we, as writers or readers, take reviews with a grain of salt, whether they are good, bad or somewhere in between?

2. There are only four outcomes to any book. You can get amazing reviews and your book will sell amazingly well. You can get amazing reviews and your book will not sell well. You can get awful reviews and your book will be a bust. Or you can get awful reviews and your book will be a total success! Again, only four outcomes, and I’m sure many authors would agree that it’s a total crapshoot.

3. Larger publications that still have book reviewers — which are becoming less and less common — should really get the right person to review books. For example, do not get a conservative male in his sixties to review a chick lit book that is clearly written by a female with a female audience who enjoys chick lit and romantic scenes and swear words. (Yes, this has happened to me multiple times!) Reviewers need to, or should, base their reviews on the broader audience the book is intended for, and not just on their own personal taste in literature, which sadly, many do. I was thrilled with the reviews for my latest book, Blissfully Blended Bullshit, not because it received almost universally positive reviews, but because the reviewers, mostly podcasters, bloggers or other women with their own radio or televisions shows, were in blended families, or had been in blended families, or were thinking of blending families, so they “got” it. If a male reviewer, happily married for 18 years with two children, a white picket fence and a cute dog, had reviewed Blissfully Blended Bullshit, how could he truly be objective and understand the audience for whom it was intended, let alone the subject matter? I don’t think any reviewer can be 100% objective, as much as they may try, because all readers, including reviewers, have their own personal taste, whether it be a genre, a writing style or how interested they are in the content.

4. This quote is always attributed to Robert De Niro: “The mind of a writer can be a truly terrifying thing. Isolated, neurotic, caffeine-addled, crippled by procrastination and consumed by feelings of panic, self-loathing and soul-crushing inadequacy. And that’s on a good day.” And, yes, even authors of the breeziest, lightest books that you can finish in a day feel like this. I believe that if you don’t have anything nice to say, then don’t say it at all. This is why I’ve never felt like reviewing books. What would happen if I detested it? There would be no way, especially knowing how much work authors put into their books, and all that angst and self-loathing, I could ever come down harshly on an author. I just couldn’t, and can’t, do it! In fact, why are publications wasting space criticizing books they don’t like instead of giving readers reviews of books they do like? Also, there has to be something you liked about the book, right? If even the cover design?

5. I’m all about the quotes today, because another one is coming your way! But this is a reality, a sad one, that I never liked to believe.… Many book reviewers are aspiring authors themselves. Marilyn Monroe said, “Success makes so many people hate you. I wish it wasn’t that way. It would be wonderful to enjoy success without seeing envy in the eyes of those around you.” I know, for a fact, that many who reviewed my books over the last two decades were unpublished authors who really, really wanted to be published authors. I don’t think this needs more clarification, but as Marilyn said, “Success makes many people hate you,” and although I’d like nothing more than to believe otherwise, for some people, it’s their nature to not feel happiness for you and not want you to succeed, to instead take their envy out on you by writing revenge reviews. (I see this all the time on Amazon reviews, so take those with a grain of salt too. Sometimes people are just assholes.)

This is why I believe re:books is so important. First, I genuinely do not feel envy towards any other author’s successes. I am thrilled to cheer them on, support them and celebrate their accomplishments. I’ve gone as far as pre-ordering books that acquaintances have written, even if I have no plans to read them. (Hey, at least they got a sale. Every sale counts!) Take for example Margaret Atwood, the most prominent Canadian author known around the world. I’m not jealous of her dozens of bestselling books or the success of the television show based on her book The Handmaid’s Tale. Honestly? I am, however, envious of the money she has made. That being said, I can think of very few people who work as hard as she does. The success and the ching-ching she has made IS deserved.

Finally, I do believe the best way to hear about a good book is via word of mouth, not from one review, even in newspapers with the largest distribution. The re:books newsletter is, I hope, the closest you’ll come to feeling like I'm your friend, giving you recommendations via word of mouth via your inbox. At least that’s my goal. And please tell me what books should be on my radar!

So, the question this week? How much value do you, whether you’re an author, an aspiring author or a reader who loves books, place on reviews? I’m just so…curious! (Wink!) 

Until next week, flip your hair and flip the page! (And listen to Taylor Swift’s sage advice at the very top.)

xo Rebecca