Chapter 1: Here’s where my issues begin

Life at this age is so fucking confusing. It's as confusing as the numerous tutorials on eyebrows, which I will get to in a second.

We are adapting to so much change that no other previous generation had issues with. Because they didn’t go through this. And if they did? They certainly didn’t warn us!

My car is smarter than I am. And losing my virginity seems laughable compared to the anxious feeling I get whenever I lose my phone — ask my kids how many times I scream, “Can someone call me?”

When it comes to relationships, you can touch each other, but not each other’s phones. And it's true that you can no longer just ask someone if they’re single. What you really need to ask is, "Is anyone under the impression that they are in a relationship with you?”

I now have to lift my boobs when I shower and hold them if I run upstairs. They have found gravity.

My period comes and goes, so I carry a tampon with me at all times, which truthfully, makes me feel young. And while I have proudly made it at my age without having an STI, I have other issues. And this collection will cover most of them.

First?

My eyebrows have stopped working. They are so far apart that they look like they are not on speaking terms right now. Maybe they need couple’s therapy. They look like they’re separated, on the way to divorce. They’ve gone rogue.

I do know that seeing my receding eyebrows is very unmotivating. So, I try not to glance at mirrors too often. The problem is that my eyebrows are on my face. And I’m vain. Also, 90 percent of the selfies I take lead me to obsess over my eyebrows. I know I'm not alone. I think, at least in my neighbourhood, most women brush their eyebrows more than their hair.

Also, at this point in my life, the only part of my body that I do not want to get any thinner are my eyebrows. Why didn’t anyone warn me that one day, my day-to-day — like writing and making sure my kids are fed — would constantly get interrupted by my nagging thoughts about all my issues. Like my eyebrows. I have major issues with my eyebrows.

When I do look into the mirror, two questions pop immediately into my mind: “How close are you to giving up on life?” and “Why didn’t anyone warn me that my eyebrows would one day play hide and seek?” (without the seek part).

I never thought my eyebrows would be this important. I'd never thought I’d have a favourite eyebrow. I never thought I’d be so emotionally dependent on my eyebrow person (yes, I have an eyebrow person). I never thought I’d be taking online tutorials on how to master my “eyebrow design,” or that I’d have to choose between thousands of “perfect eyebrows” videos on YouTube.

Why didn’t anyone warn me that when it comes to trusting people, two of the most important people in my life would be my eyebrow lady and my dermatologist? Oh, and the lady that gives me directions while I’m driving, who quite frankly, even though she's never given me a reason not to trust her directions, I still don't fully trust…certainly not with all her incessant beeping when I'm too close and about to drive into something. Come to think of it, I have issues with her too.

But an overzealous eyebrow lady can ruin your entire life faster than any man, relative, ex-husband, ex-husband's new girlfriend, or shitty boss.

One mistakenly plucked single eyebrow hair can make or break your entire expression, leaving people to wonder, “Is she angry? Is she worried? Is she surprised? Is she bored? Either that or they’re thinking, “She’s angry, worried, surprised, and bored all at the same time!”

It's my fault. I cheated on my eyebrow lady, and now I'm scared to go back to her — she just got me, and I could tell she only wanted the best for my eyebrows. And now I’m scared to go back and get yelled at. I can’t exactly hide this sort of affair.

And speaking of affairs, I’ve had a couple accidental affairs. These men just forgot to tell me they were married. So, I have issues with most men, too.

Mostly, I can't go back to my brow lady because I feel badly that I ruined years of her art, which were my brows and her masterpieces.

So, instead I went to my Botox woman. I'm a fan of Botox. I just got a jab of Botox where my frown lines used to be just four weeks ago — in the large space above my eyes, thanks to my eyebrows that have gone on strike.

I have had issues with my frown lines for at least five years. It was my daughter who led me to book my first panic-induced Botox jab after she asked me if I was angry, telling me I had my “mad mommy face” on, to which I responded with, “I'm not mad at all! This is just my regular face," before madly begging for an appointment with one of the most well-known dermatologists in the city (at least based on an article I read).

My dermatologist, with the aid of Botox, managed to raise my second-favourite eyebrow, and now they look somewhat even.

So, I’m part of the M.O.B — Mothers on Botox — club too. I, however, am NOT a member of the DSL Club, which my dermatologist explained was an acronym for “Dick Sucking Lips.”

Remember the good old days, when Botox was a taboo issue? Now when I say I’m going to get a jab of Botox, nobody raises an eyebrow. (Do you see how important eyebrows are?)

And lip injections have become part of the younger generations’ going out outfits. I don’t get lip injections, which I’m okay with, but it’s unfortunate for My Guy.

Apparently, blow jobs really are better when done with DSL. But I have enough issues with my uneven and thinning eyebrows to worry about giving better blow jobs. I have priorities.

On my last visit, I asked my dermatologist if she could get rid of my laugh lines with Botox.

She said she could not. I asked her what I could do about them, and she told me to stop laughing. Which made me laugh. Until I realized she was serious.

We are living in an age where you can no longer laugh and there are celebrity brow experts, thousands of eyebrow growth serums and gels, and dermatologists telling us that not only do we need to moisturize our eyebrows, but we need to get a “proper” diagnosis from a professional eyebrow expert or dermatologist to determine how to appropriately treat our eyebrows.

While many people our age come down hard on the younger generation for not working as hard, or not knowing what they want to do, I think I understand the latter’s perspective. It's not that they don’t want to work. It’s because taking care of eyebrows is now a full-time job.

I recently clicked on a headline that led to a 25 Step Eyebrow Tutorial. Twenty-five steps! All of which lead me to believe that to leave the house with good-enough looking eyebrows, you'd have to get up at 4:00 a.m. to start this brow shaping process, which seems to now include, at the very minimum, five steps, all to get “natural-looking eyebrows.”

And also, I wish when I was growing up, I had known that an actual career as an eyebrow expert exists — and that it would be extremely lucrative — because every time I leave my dermatologist’s office, it hits me that I'm paying a large portion for her kids to go to private school.

But I need her so I don’t look angry. And also, so my right eyebrow is even with my left.

I recently read about brow mapping. If you’re as directionally/mathematically challenged as I am, you will not be able to understand this technique, because it includes finding your eyebrow’s height and creating imaginary lines that supposedly help figure out your brow length, which is apparently necessary for creating the illusion of strong, full eyebrows.

Why didn’t anyone warn me 10 years ago that thicker and bold eyebrows would be a sign of youth, and also that I should just stop laughing altogether, instead of telling me “the thinner the better” and that I need to smile more?

And what about the importance of inner beauty? Now people are saying, “If it makes you feel beautiful, then do it!” Trying to be beautiful is expensive and exhausting.

Plus, you practically need to be an engineer to figure out these at-home micro-blading brow kits, some of which come with a stern warning that it’s mandatory to know the wattage and have the appropriate power convertor.

This is why I go to professionals for my eyebrows. I simply don’t want to accidentally electrocute myself in the pursuit of the perfect set of eyebrows.

So, if you’re wondering where I like my money? Well, where you can see it. On my face.

I’ve worked alongside people half my age who get fillers and Botox, because they know they can’t leave their houses with filters or an Instagram-worthy face in real life.

These 20- and 30-year-olds, unlike me in my 20s and 30s, know that being wrinkled is definitely not one of the things they want to be when they grow up.

They aren't taking any chances! Now, great skin and good eyebrows happens by appointment or a referral, not because you have lucky DNA.

It's crazy how these 20- and 30-year-olds make me rethink my entire face. The younger generation may have their own issues, but I can tell you thin lips isn't one of them. And, based on the maddening amount of brow kits, perfect eyebrows isn't an issue for them either.

If you're blonde, there are special eyebrow kits for you, which makes me also wonder whether blondes have better/different eyebrows than the rest of us. Do they get better treatment with their fancy eyebrow stencil kits, which include rulers that look exactly like the ones we used in math class?

And of course, every other night, whenever I remember — and no, not because I'm getting older but because I'm naturally forgetful — I smear a thin layer of Vitamin A on my face, which is prescribed by my doctor (who I also have to pay for). Unlike others who use over-the-counter skincare products, I use medical grade. So, at least I have that going for me.

Since humans are living a little longer these days, I’m practically investing as much thought and money into my face as I do my investment portfolio and my kids’ higher education accounts. Which, right now, is okay with me. Who knows what higher education will look like in two years, let alone 10 years? Aside from students flaunting full lips and perfectly sculpted eyebrows.

Personally, I would like eyebrows 10 years from now. And if my kids decide to become “eyebrow experts” when they’re older, I truly wouldn’t care.

Back to that eyebrow lady I had an affair with who ruined my life by turning my almost perfectly shaped eyebrows into things that looks like they are trying to escape my face…

She was also the one who shocked me once after I got an underarm wax by smearing hot wax above my lip and ripping the strip off before I could stop her.

Apparently, according to this woman, I had been walking around with a moustache for god knows how long, yet no one ever mentioned this to me. Not one friend, not my boyfriend, not my children, not a stranger at a cocktail party — a stranger, I’m now realizing, that was most likely late to the event because they were this close to having an emotional eyebrow breakdown in pursuit of the perfect and time-consuming eyebrows.

Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to go get my moustache waxed off (and FYI, I appreciate that someone has made this experience more tolerable by coining the much-softer term “upper lip” wax.)

In any case, I have a lot of modern-day love issues that I will be sharing with you, so you don’t wind up like me, screaming to herself as she writes her memoir, “Why didn't anyone fucking warn me?”

I want you to enjoy your life — life that is no longer “too short” to spend worrying about achieving perfectly arched eyebrows (or being in the DSL club).