Ladies, let's face it. We all know how to fake an orgasm (“Oh, yeah. Right there. Oh yeah, baby. Oh. Oh. Oh…OMG!”) But faking your way through a book club takes a little more thought and planning. Now, as book clubs gather in real life, Executive Editor Maya B. shares 10 brilliant ways to “fake it” through a book club. (Warning: Don't try this in bed!)

I know a secret about you. 

Yes, YOU!

I know that you’ve faked it. (Haven’t we all?!)

Wait…

You think I meant you’ve faked orgasms? That is absolutely not what I meant. (Where’s your head at?)

What I’m actually referring to is faking it at a book club. You know what I’m talking about — when you planned to read the book but didn’t get to it. Or when someone discusses a book they think you read, but you actually didn’t. Or, maybe you read a few pages, or a chapter, and you know the premise, but not the nitty gritty particulars.

I’m here to help you. Here are your 10 “fake it till you make (re:ad it) it" vague lines, tricks and tips to make it seem like you know what you’re talking about at your next book club gathering.

1. Google is your best friend.

Is it your turn to speak soon? Pretend you’re texting your mom, but actually search “Interview with (author’s name) about (book title).” Skim it quickly, and pick up some smart-sounding quotes about the story or the characters. (In school,this is called plagiarism, but there’s no academic integrity committee here to discipline you.)

2. Facial Expressions are like emojis! 

When someone is talking about said book, either nod your head in agreement, open your eyes wide to show some sort of shock or interest, or use your brows to frown, and scrunch your nose to express displeasure (in the story, not in your friend) or disappointment. (So, don't overdo it on the botox!)

3. Answer a question with a question. 

Don’t know the answer to a question? No problem. Turn it around and have someone else answer it. For example:

Question: “Did you know who the murderer was?’

Your answer: “I wasn’t sure at first, but what clues gave it away for you?”

I know. Genius.

4. Hunt like a cheetah.

At first stay low, keep quiet, let others express their points of view, then adopt a popular view and express it in your own words with confidence. “Like Stacey said about optics, it all stems from perception.” 

5. Come out of the gate like a racehorse!

Be loud and bold, and the first one to start the conversation. Use phrases like: “Wow! This book was an experience,” or “This author writes so well!” And then act as though you’re being gracious, letting your counterparts expand on your views as you sit back and listen. 

5. Movies are the millennium Coles Notes of Books.

You didn’t read the selection for book club this month, and it’s the night before your meeting. You’re well aware that the book was made into a movie. Get comfortable and “Netflix and chill,” which in this instance means get snacks and watch the damn movie. (What you do after that is none of my business, but have fun, you crazy kid. 😊)

6. Go back to high school.

Don’t physically go to your high school (who wants to relive that?), but act like you’re in homeroom again and do some skimming. Read some pages from the front of the book, some pages at the back — the end of the book is VERY important — and skim some pages in the bulk of the book to get a better sense about the story and the writing. 

Also, opening the book wide (if It’s a paperback) is also a good trick. Or, make marks on the spine to give the illusion that you’ve actually read it. Or just jump on the book a few times so it 100% looks like you did more than just buy it. (Returning a book at the end of a school year with a perfect spine was a clear indication you never used it. Just saying!)  

7. Pretend you’re a spy.

Make like you’re 007 and discretely collect information. Everyone is enjoying the conversation, taking a few sips of their wine, and snacking away. Create a diversion, like an “accidental” spill (on yourself, not your friend’s couch) or a washroom break. Or go get a glass of water from the kitchen. What you’ll actually be doing is staying closeby — “Open your listening ears,” as Judge Judy would say. Collect the intel you need, and then stroll back in, armed with your newly gathered knowledge.

8. Use big or vague words.

Big words are useful when writing an article or a professional email, but they’re also handy when you want to look intelligent. When you act smart and savvy, people don’t generally question you! Use words like: “Symbolism,” “Overtones/Undertones," “Duality," etc. Or vague words like “Inspiring” or “thought-provoking.” Let the words leave your mouth and hang in the air for someone to pick them up and run with. Everyone loves to seem knowledgeable, so let them have their moment. Now you’re not only smart but also “benevolent” (another big word you can also use). 

9. “The dog ate my homework.”

Finally, when all else fails, or if you’re just so exhausted that you couldn’t be bothered this time to read the book, use an excuse. But, you’re going to want to use one that will make everyone sympathize with you. Good excuses to use are: “My boss is being so overbearing this month, I’ve been putting in overtime for weeks!” or “I couldn’t read this book, this topic is a trigger for me.” No one will argue with that last one: The word “trigger” is the new “bully.” (Though, this may not work if it’s a light rom-com…)

Know of any other ways to fake it till you make it during a book club gathering? We’d love to hear your — shhh!!! — secrets here! 

Also, you must tell us. What’s easier: Faking an orgasm or faking your way through a book club? Discuss!

xoxo Maya B.