From the mouth of a fetus
“You’re going to have a blast in college! When else will your parents spend the equivalent of a down payment on a house so you can go far away, party all night, and study philosophy, mulling over deep thoughts about being unemployed?” — re:books
I don't really want to brag about my daughter, who I just dropped off at college, or make anyone jealous but..I can still pull off wearing my high-school earrings! Woot.
Now, on a more serious note…
I bought How to College: What to Know Before You Go (and When You’re There) for my daughter, Rowan, last May, but I’ve been the only one reading it! (It was “meant to speak to students as the adult you want them to be.”)
The transition from high school to college can be stressful, the authors write. (Now that’s what I call an exclusive scoop. I mean, who knew THAT? -_-)
I've been reading, in small bursts, How to College for months! The transition process is hard on me, and this digestible read eases my anxiety and makes me excited to go — even though I’m not the one going. Hopefully, this feeling will carry through my kid’s freshman year at Tufts University in Boston. (I really love using the word “freshman!”)
It provides answers to questions new university parents students want to ask, questions the students parents wish they could ask, and questions a parent student doesn’t even know to ask yet. (Did you follow that?)
So, yeah, I’m keeping this book for me, knowing my daughter is entering the most uncertain, BUT most thrilling, stage of her life. (Maybe a more apt title would be How to College: What Terrified Parents Need to Know Before They Go (and How to Say Goodbye When You’re There).
But I believe in the Universe, and also shit goes wrong when Mercury is in retrograde (even though I have no clue what that really means), so I find it incredibly coincidental and serendipitous that while I was reading snippets on How to College, my 17-year-old daughter was reading about herself as a fetus in my first book Knocked Up!
Before Rowan left, I had already written 18 pages of 31 Tuft (Tough) Life Lessons for her to keep and read whenever she needs a pep talk from her #1 cheerleader. (That would be me!)
I wrote things like, “I know your dorm is messy, but there will be no cleaning lady coming!”
I'm pretty sure even without this book, Rowan can nail down some essential skills and will thrive as she adapts to academia and college life.
But me? Well, this is a snippet of what I wrote in my morning pages journal yesterday...
“Dear My Heart,
Please stop getting so extra emotional. I’m not a doctor, but isn’t it your job just to pump blood, and that’s pretty much it? What’s up with this roller-coaster ride of emotions!”
Because it’s me, her mommy, who needs would like consistent updates on Rowan’s entire experience — from her roommate, to joining clubs, to classes and professors and friends, and her mental and physical well-being — and reading this book makes me feel like I’m getting a glimpse into Rowan’s college life in the United States, something I’ve never experienced. #jealous (And, trust me, I can’t rely on regular updates from Rowan!)
So, yeah, I’m living vicariously through her. It IS me who is actually learning “How to College.”
After the nine-hour drive home feeling like I’d just lost Rowan in a department store as she hid behind racks of clothes (like she did when she was toddler, only this time I’ll be panicking for four fucking years), I immediately walked into her too-quiet bedroom.
No, I did not lie in a fetal position bawling my eyes out on her bed, sniffing her pillows as I thought I might.
However, I may have checked her wardrobe to see what clothes she left behind for mommy to borrow? #PositiveThinking
Weirdly, I found myself smiling as I remembered how I caught my teenage daughter “in the act” just two weeks ago. Oh, the horror. I thought I had raised her better than this!
I'm kidding.
No, she was not drinking, vaping, having (shhh!) s-e-x or hiding a stash of pot. It was, or could have been, way worse.
What did I catch my teen doing?
For the first time in her almost 18 years on planet Earth, she was reading Knocked Up: Confessions of a Modern Mother-to-Be: my memoir about being pregnant with her. (She had the starring role as a fetus! She aced the part.) Without “Fetus Rowan” — accidentally conceived after about 14 tequilas — there would not be a memoir called Knocked Up in which she could read about herself nearly 18 years later.
Rowan reading Knocked Up
Candidly, I was awestruck when I knocked on her bedroom door, comfortably prompted up against pillows on her bed, reading you know what.
“What are you doing?” I’d asked, to which she responded, “Reading your book!”
Why was my almost 18-year-old daughter reading Knocked Up right before going to college?
Okay first of all, I don’t leave any books I’ve written out for people to see. You'd never even know I was an author if you visited my home.
Second, I wasn’t even sure when she’d realized I was a writer, journalist, and author. I don’t think I’ve ever spelled out to her how I pay bills. I guess I just forgot? (Come back later to read this funny piece I wrote for Maclean’s on not knowing what your spouse does for a living.)
Finally, my teenage daughter has been way too busy on TikTok and YouTube to read a book written by her mother. (She is an avid reader, just not, apparently, of books by her mommy. 😂)
I stared at her as she read, totally engrossed. And I did catch the odd smile as she read too.
You’re probably thinking, “Aw, how special! She’s reading her mother’s first book, and it’s all about her. She’s even smiling — this is good. I should grab a tissue…
But she came down quite “Tuft” on me, even calling me out for writing “fluff.” (And you can read why you shouldn’t care about book reviews here!)
I now shall share with you exactly what my daughter thinks of my writing style, not to mention me writing about her.
(And, yes, even though she was in the next room, I texted her questions, and she texted back with clipped teenage responses. That’s the new normal, right?) Here you go — with no edits:
INTERVIEW WITH THE FETUS STARRING MY MEMOIR KNOCKED UP
Mommy (Rebecca): When did you realize I was a writer?
Rowan (Daughter): JK
Mommy: What was the first book of mine you read on your own?
Rowan: The Mischievous Mom at the Art Gallery. I made you come to my class in Grade 3 to read it! Also, your book launches were fun! I used to force people to buy your books at them! And I read lines from one of your books with a lot of swear words at one of your launches. I was like 9!!
Mommy: You just finished Knocked Up. Was that the only book you’ve read of mine?
Rowan: I read Blissfully Blended Bullshit when it came out.
Mommy: What did you think?
Rowan: I knew about the recent stuff but it was nice to see the details of how things in ur relationship started.
Rowan reading Blissfully Blended Bullshit
Mommy: And how did you feel about reading Knocked Up?
Rowan: Lots of things I didn’t know which was cool to find out.
Mommy: Examples?
Rowan: How bad the pregnancy was for u, Cute Single Man, and you moving to Calgary.
Mommy: How does it feel reading about yourself?
Rowan: In reading both books, I got frustrated when I remembered things differently or thought that they didn’t happen, cause it’s a memoir not an autobiography
Mommy: Preference for either book?
Rowan: It was more weird in Blissfully Blended Bullshit cause it was actually me. In Knocked Up, I was just a fetus. I was like nothing.
Mommy: Do you mind that I wrote all those books about you?
Rowan: No.
Mommy: Is it hard being the daughter of a writer who writes about her children and her life? Just a couple more! I promise!
Rowan: It really hasn’t affected me at all. When strangers, or my friend’s mothers or even your friends, when I see them on the street and they talk to me for a few minutes, I just go on with my day. It’s not overwhelming. It’s nice to know that so many people are fond of me and care about me tho.
Mommy: Were you ever worried one of your teachers would read those books?
Rowan: No. It wasn’t you they were teaching.
Mommy: A lot of my books have a lot of swear words and sex scenes. BBB and Knocked Up opened with sex scenes. Does it feel weird your mother writes about that stuff?
Rowan: Kinda but not really because u talk abt it a lot. It would be different if u never did.
Mommy: Even knowing you were conceived when Daddy and I were drunk?
Rowan: Not embarrassed. Cool to be a star in books. Appreciate honesty, but sometimes I don't believe it.
Mommy: Did you ever think about being a writer?
Rowan: Ya
Mommy: Really?
Rowan: I still do want to write. I will write books or a film or something.
Mommy: Do you think I’m a good writer? Be truthful!
Rowan: I think you’re a good writer. But I think u wrote a lot of fluff. Good for easy read memoirs and fiction and articles. But more serious topics or school related stuff? Fluff is detrimental and u could use some work.
Mommy: One more question?
Rowan: Annoyed….
Mommy: Just one more!
Rowan: ya
Mommy: Who is your favourite author?
Rowan: f. Scott fozgersld
(I think she meant F. Scott Fitzgerald. Ducking auto-correct!)
(Um what? Her mother is NOT her favourite author!? And to think I used to have to hug her when she pooped.)
But this oh-so-recent memory of her reading about herself as a fetus while I’m reading How to College IS the Universe saying something, isn’t it?
Even if it’s going from reading her Goodnight Moon to Goodnight Dorm Room.
P.S. If you want to know how the phrase “I love you to the moon and back” — almost every parent's way of saying goodnight, night after night, forever to our children — came to be, I wrote about it here! (Fun fact? That would be like saying, “I love you 768,800 kilometres!”)
xo,
Rebecca