Should a true friend be truly honest about your book?

Should I talk about my author friend Samantha, my shrine, silence, or Shrek first? 

I’ll start with Shrek, the animated ogre in the kid's movies who embarks on a journey with a donkey to rescue Princess Fiona and regain his swamp. I have beef to pick.

Shrek once said, “Only a true friend would be truly honest.” 

I tend to disagree, especially if you’re an author or writer. I’m a betting gal — I’ll bet on almost anything — and the writer in me says never to take the chance of asking your close friends if they’ve read your books (or other writings). And also, do not proceed to ask them to be “truly honest” about what they thought of your book.

If you’re an author or writer and have been hurt or disappointed or took offence to a friend or family member’s failure to read your book (or anything you’ve published), or even acknowledge its existence, you are so far from being alone.

In my case, I’ve published 10 books and am now working on my eleventh. And guess what?

Not ONE of my best friends or parents have ever mentioned my books, or have even called to say anything like, “I just finished Chapter 12 — I’m loving it!” 

Not. Once. Ever!

And this spans almost two decades, when my debut memoir, Knocked Up, was published in 2004.

This is something that didn’t occur to me until last week, when I interviewed author Shari Leid, who recently released a book on female friendships. I asked her all the burning female friendship questions, from ditching a friend and being ditched to how hard you’re supposed to fight for a friendship, and more! (You can read the juicy Q&A here. It’s a must-read!)

While you obviously want honest friends, if you’re a writer, ask yourself: Are you, like, absolutely SURE you want your best friends or parents to be “truly honest” about your work?

It could jeopardize your friendship if a friend is brutally honest about something you poured your heart, soul, and guts into.

I wrote about why writers need a thick skin here, but I want to make this clear: It doesn’t hurt my feelings if my parents or close friends don't say anything about my books. 

I don’t know if my best friends enjoyed my books. I don’t know if they've even read them. Why?

I've never asked. Not. Once. Again, it never occurred to me to ask!

Generally, with traditional publishing, it takes about 18 months from a first draft of a manuscript to actually end up in bookstores. (It’s called the publishing cycle.)

Since I write mostly memoirs, my closest friends already know all my dramas by the time my books hit bestseller lists or bookstores. In fact, by the time Blissfully Blended Bullshit came out, my son’s father had long moved out after our blended family imploded. I even attended my book launch with My Guy, meaning I was already well into a new relationship by the time that book was published.

Frankly, I don’t expect my friends or parents to even be remotely interested in my books. Why would I expect my best friends to read about all the suffering and ups-and-downs I underwent 18 months after the fact, considering they were getting daily calls from me during those years? They have busy lives. They don’t need to relive what I had already told them.

Also, admittedly, aside from yelling at my mom — “I'M WORKING! I’LL CALL YOU LATER!” — when she calls four times for something usually very inconsequential, I rarely talk about what I’m writing or working on to anyone, and that includes my closest friends. 

I never tell them when I get a book deal. I never tell them when I get edits back. I never tell them when I’m going to be interviewed. I never told them I was going to do this newsletter, until a couple of weeks before it launched, even though I had been working on it for almost an entire year. I never asked them, “Hey, did you check your inbox last night and read my latest newsletter?”

There is no deep psychological reason for this. Honestly, it just never occurs to me to tell them what I’m doing, at least work-wise, or ask them what they think.

Maybe it's because my closest friends and parents are not authors or writers. If they were, maybe I would talk about what I'm writing, or what stage I’m at, or what my next idea is, or how I’m suffering from writer's block. But still, it’s doubtful. 

My best friend is a real estate agent, and she rarely tells me when she has open houses or has found a buyer or has sold a house. 

Is there a difference?

If I’m going to diagnose myself, before someone else does, the most likely reason I've never asked my good friends if they've read any of my books is because I think of writing books as a business. 

As long as my close friends and parents buy my books, I don’t need compliments, praise, a book report, or feel the need to know if they have started to read it. They have shown their support with their wallets. What they do with my books after they purchase them is really none of my business. For all I know, they could be using my books to kill centipedes in their bathtubs!

I may see my books on their shelves. When I think back, once when I was hanging out at one of my closest and dearest friend’s house — she works in banking — I did catch a glimpse of my book on her couch, and it was dog-eared about halfway through…which is NOW making me wonder a) if she put my book out purposely to pretend she was reading it show her support, because she’s awesome like that? And b) did she ever finish it?

I’m thinking about this now, but I thought nothing of it at the time. I didn’t ask, "Are you enjoying it so far?” Likewise, I don't think she said anything like, “I'm really enjoying reading your book so far.” 

Should I have asked my friend to give back the friendship bracelet I made her? Should I have cancelled our friendship until she had said something positive about my book? (I’m kidding.)

But, shockingly, I’m not the only author who hears silence, nada, zippo, from friends after publishing a book, which was depressing to learn, especially when authors — unlike me — expect to hear something from their friends about their new novel, especially if it’s a debut. And why wouldn’t they expect some reaction or praise? It’s not unreasonable. Well, not entirely.

Personally, I understand why my parents have never once said anything about my books. It's kind of understandable. In Blissfully Blended Bullshit, I open with how I wanted a one-night stand and had sex on that first date. Could you imagine my mother or father saying, “I loved your opening scene when you got naked in the kitchen and had sex on your couch. It was really gripping!”

In How to Raise a Boyfriend, there were a number of men I called out for their bad behaviour, which my parents may have read as ME being the problem. Would they actually say to me, “I know you like your independence, but really, Becky, at your age? You should know that no one is perfect and lower your expectations,” to which I “truly” and “honestly” would lose my shit on them.

Even in Knocked Up, I start by sharing how I was drunk AF, which led to unprotected sex, which lead to….their first grandchild. It’s been 18 years since that book came out, and I still haven’t heard one peep — not even a passing mention — about it from my parents.

That's not to say my parents aren't proud of me, which leads me to my shrine and, according to my brothers, my status as their favourite child (obviously), which I’ll explain. But first?

I really did tear up when I realized how many authors hear nada when their book is finally published. Suddenly, their friends stop answering their calls or ghost them, like this author described:

“I am astonished to have had no reaction at all from my friends about my new books. Does it mean they haven't bothered to read them or they've read them and thought they were so awful they don’t know what to say, like people crossing the street rather than speaking to you after a death, or they've read them but don't ‘get’ them, or none of the above?”

The author went on to write, “I'd rather someone told me, ‘I tried to read your books, and they’re shit’ than just, well, NOTHING?”

Another author shared, “People are supportive but honestly, your friends and family probably won’t ever really read your book. Although a guy stopped me at a bar and told me he really liked my book. Then, he offered me crack afterwards, so I’m not so sure I trust his opinion.” (Can we agree this IS sort of funny that authors may get more encouragement from a crackhead than their best friends or family?)

Another author shared, “I did not expect a lot of my friends to almost ignore the fact that I got published. They were obviously bored or something, whenever it came up.” 

And another: “I faced mostly indifference. Some of the people that love me the most seem to care the least about my books.”

This is exactly why there are articles with titles like, “How do I tell my friend I hated their book?” and “How to deal with negative reactions from friends about your writing.”

Friends, especially your close friends, really may not know what to say, especially if you prod, “So, did you love the opening line on page 57?” 

That being said, I'm pretty sure a smart good friend could at least come up with something like, “I can’t believe you actually did it! I'm so proud of you — I can’t believe I can call my best friend an author!” And then divert the discussion to their new table placemats they got on sale.

Shrek, the more I contemplate, is just wrong in saying, “Only a true friend would be truly honest.”

On one writing forum, this was a “truly honest” answer from a “true friend” about her friend’s books; “They are fine, but not the quality of most things I read. She tended to use the same phrases multiple times, and the plotlines were too similar and very unrealistic.” (Ouch!)

Another “truly honest” friend posted how it's difficult for her to “disengage” and read a book written by her friends, like other books not written by a friend. “I find myself constantly aware of who wrote them and I’m more picky about what I don't like.” (I think some people may have a different definition of friendship. Again, don’t forget to read this Q&A later!)

But this just goes to show that for some, it’s hard for friends and family to disassociate the writer from the subject matter. Maybe this is why it never occurs to me to ask my friends, well, anything to do with what I have written and published. They love me for who I am, not what I do.

This brings me to another S, author Samantha Bailey, who wrote a hugely successful debut thriller Woman on the Edge. Her next thriller, which you can pre-order, will be published next year. 

Samantha is the reason I now love reading modern thrillers, which have a lot of plot turns but also tackle universal experiences, like shitty marriages or motherhood. I never was into thrillers. I bought and read hers only because I’ve known her since we were kids. And now, because of her, I love a good thriller!

I’m not going to share if Samantha was a bad influence on me or if I was a bad influence on her, but when I first started reading her novel, it did make me think, “Um, this is a somewhat disturbing insight into the way her mind works.” But as I got into the plot, I forgot entirely that it was a book written by someone I know.

So, disturbing insights, or maybe realizing what turns your writer or author friend on, or the genre itself could be one or all reasons your friends might go into the Witness Protection Program when you get published.

It IS entirely possible a good friend may not like your genre, as one author admits. “My family and friends are all totally supportive, however only a handful have really read my book. Fantasy is not for everyone.” Sadly, many are less tolerant than I am when trying new genres to read.

It IS entirely possible that an author's friend might be thinking, “My best friend just dismembered a character in her book! What can I say that doesn’t sound like I’m now slightly scared of her?”

It IS entirely possible a friend could be thinking as they read your erotica novel, “Wow. I had no idea that you had a foot fetish? How do you know so much about this topic?”

I do actually know what it’s like to be a friend not knowing what to say. One of my friends — not my closest of friends but someone I know well enough — wrote a memoir sharing such disturbing behaviour that I realized she was pretty much living a double life. 

It made me feel awkward as fuck, trying to figure out how to say something nice. It was well written but, candidly, some of her actions made me so uncomfortable and were so questionable, it made me question if this was a person I wanted to know at all. In this case, I couldn't separate the writing from the subject matter. 

So, I said….nothing. (But she did make a sale from me!)

On the topic, I quite enjoyed this article, “When Friends & Family Read Your Book: Survival Tips.”

One good takeaway, amongst many? “Recognize that friends and family aren’t your audience. This has never been so clear to me as when some of my grandparents read my debut. They just aren’t the readers I’m speaking to, and so the language I’m using isn’t going to communicate nearly as well to them. It’s not because of a flaw in me or my books. They’re simply not receiving what I’m sending, and that’s okay.”

I almost forgot the final S — my shrine! In one room at my parents' house, they decorated all the walls with framed signed poster boards featuring the covers of all my books that I use at my book launches, like a room full of trophies. My parents may not know what to say about my books, but in this case? The walls speak volumes, even though I still have no clue what they think of my books.

If you're still an author thinking, “What am I? A potato? Why the fuck aren’t my friends saying anything about my book I've worked on for a trillion years?” Check out “The Top 5 Reasons Your Friends Won’t Read Your Book and What You Can Do About It.” It offers up some good solutions, too!

Until next time, flip your hair and flip the page! (And re:member, a “truly” good friend is always your fan…whether they read your book or not.)

xo,

Rebecca