I’ll be there for you: A fascinating Q&A on why female friendships are so important as we age

“Friends are like condoms. They protect you when things get hard.”

Former litigator, professional mindset coach, and author Shari Leid has published her second book, Make Your Mess Your Message: More Life Lessons from and for My Girlfriends after the success of her first book, The 50/50 Friendship Flow: Life Lessons from and for My Girlfriends. 

Like many of us with female brains, she says she is intrigued by both how much love female friendships carry and how complex we tend to make them at times, when they don't need to be complex at all. 

And, as we approach the new year, when many of us attempt to reinvent ourselves — and that includes re:evaluating certain friendships or re:miniscing over friends we haven't seen much of — Shari offers up some thought-provoking, insightful and often hilarious advice on female friendships and why they are so important. 

(I kind of want to be her friend, which would make me friend #51. Yes, she does have 50 friends! And I’m definitely up for her “challenge” in the New Year.)

Q&A

RE:BOOKS: You write and interview 50 friends. What is your definition of “friendship?” Are there different levels, like social media friends, work friends/real friends? What is YOUR definition?

SHARI: I have more than 50 friends. I joke that my bar for who I consider a friend is low — if you walk by me, you’re a friend. Of course, I’m joking — it takes slightly more than simply walking by me for me to consider someone a friend. However, when I do meet someone in a social setting, I mentally meet them as if I’m meeting my next best friend, and that mindset has set the tone for some amazing friendships.

I define a friend as someone who knows who I am and if I randomly reach out to them via phone, text, email, or slide a DM over to them, they respond kindly, willing to take an extra step for me as I would for them — whether that means making an introduction, simply chatting about a fun event, answering a question about relationships or parenting. Whatever it is, someone who responds kindly with an open heart is my definition of a friend. 

RE: What is your advice for women who have lost touch with friends, due to the pandemic or for other reasons, to get back in touch? What approach would you take? Because it does become awkward to get in touch after a year or two!

SHARI: Currently, I’m challenging women to commit in the new year to meet with five friends throughout the course of the year — friends that they haven’t seen or connected with in a long time. Write the names of those five friends down and hold yourself to this challenge. These dates can be in person, remote, or even through a simple phone call. 

You’re right, it can be awkward, and this is why I frame my advice in the form of a challenge. While a challenge recognizes that there is something difficult to accomplish, it also emphasizes the excitement that will be felt when the challenge has been completed.

RE: It seems to me that a lot of middle-aged women actually lose friends. They disappoint us, we realize our morals don’t align, or our social circle becomes smaller.  Do you find this is true?

SHARI: Midlife is a time to reevaluate relationships. For many women, their kids are becoming independent or have left home. Midlife brings tremendous growth, and just like in our teens, we don’t all grow at the same rate or in the same direction. Also, it’s a time in our life where we see divorces and second marriages happening at a much higher rate than we may have seen just prior to midlife. Friendships naturally change when marriages dissolve or even when friends remarry. It’s a time in our life that our social circle can start to look very different as we become more confident in who we are, and as we realize that we no longer have the energy to sustain relationships that feel toxic. While we may see our social circle become smaller in overall numbers, the number of quality friendships in that smaller circle may very well increase.

RE: What is your advice for “ditching” a friend that no longer adds value to your life and in fact hurts you? What is the best approach to ditching a long-time friend? 

SHARI: Ending a friendship is never easy, but there are a few tools that can ease the pain. The first step is, instead of focusing on the toxic relationship, put your energy into friends who leave you feeling supported. Once you put your energy into those friends, it will be emotionally easier to let go of the toxic friendship. Best case scenario, this will hopefully be the catalyst for a gradual fading of the toxic friendship.  

If a gradual fading of the toxic friendship isn’t possible, sometimes you need to simply say, “It’s me, not you.” And that is the key. Always talk about your feelings, not what you think the other person did, said, or feels.

RE: How has social media affected friendships? Do you really consider a FB-only friend a friend? 

SHARI: Social media can be a great tool for supporting friendships and connection if you don’t suffer from FOMO (fear of missing out) and become emotionally unhinged when you see photos of gatherings that you weren’t invited to. 

Many of my strong friendships actually began years ago on Facebook. I don’t consider a FB-only friend a friend unless you start interacting with them on FB in a meaningful way, then I think a true friendship could easily develop there. 

RE: How has technology changed friendships? For example, with some of my closest friends, we now no longer have hour-long chats, but we do text. Or we keep up with their lives by “liking” whatever it is they are doing on Instagram or FB or LinkedIn. 

SHARI: I’m a fan of technology – it allows us to keep in touch with people. It provides an easy way to share milestones, celebrations, and even losses.  However, it does not replace actual face-to-face meetings or even what we can get from picking up the phone and having a conversation. Technology should always be seen as a garnish that enhances connection, not a replacement for actual in-person connection.

RE: Is it a misconception that as you get older, your social circle becomes smaller? You seem to have a lot of friends! Over here? I can name five, maybe seve actual close friends. 

SHARI: Many women expand their circle of more meaningful relationships as they get older and let go of the relationships that are more on the periphery or no longer serve them. So, while the overall numbers may look smaller, the actual numbers of friends that matter become larger as we age.

RE: Do you think friendship is like marriage? How hard do you have to work on friendships, and can you give us a couple tips on HOW to continue having/keeping close friends? Also, how obligated are we — in our busy lives — to make plans with friends we haven’t talked to in 20 years that reach out to us through social media to “get together” when we barely have time to meet our real friends? 

SHARI: I’ve been married for nearly 25 years, and each year on our anniversary since my 20th year of marriage, I sit down with my husband and ask him if he still chooses to be in the marriage. He hates the meetings, but it is important to me because I want us to always know that we have a choice, and we choose to stay in the marriage, never feeling that we are in it because we feel stuck. Friendships should be like marriage in that respect. It should always be by choice. You should never feel stuck or obligated to stay in a friendship. Similarly, you should never agree to socially get together with someone out of obligation. As you mention, our free time is precious, and we want who we choose to spend time with to be by choice, not by obligation.

RE: I’ve been in this situation before, so I have to ask: If your friend, for example, is caught doing something illegal/unseemly, how can you still be a friend if you know what they did is wrong/illegal? How do you reconcile this? 

SHARI: First, you may not be able to, especially if the illegal act involves a crime of dishonesty — theft, fraud, stealing. The act may make it hard to trust that person, and it’s hard to have a friendship with someone that you don’t trust.  

However, with friends, you must decide if you love them, and if you do, you have to love them for all of them — the good, bad, and the ugly parts. If the bad and ugly parts cause you such a level of grief and anxiety that it’s hard for you to stomach being with them, it may be a sign that their values no longer align with yours and you have to move in a different direction, despite how painful that may be.

RE: What is your advice when a friend, for no apparent reason, stops talking to you and won’t tell you why? How hard should you fight/reach out before giving up, and any advice on how to get over something like this? 

SHARI: I think you reach out maybe twice at most, but if they still refuse to talk to you, then that is their problem, not yours. You did your best to mend the relationship and, hopefully, that gives you some peace. At that point, you need to realize whatever is going on is their problem and out of your control. 

RE:  Leading up to holidays, where we’ll be attending parties with people we were maybe once friends with but no longer are, what’s your advice on how to act, especially if it’s a small room? Should we ignore them? Walk up to them even if they/we hate each other?

SHARI: First, look your very best, as if you were going to run into your ex-lover! Second, treat them as someone you’ve never met before. If you come face-to-face, then be pleasant — a holiday party isn’t the place to bring up old wounds; however, there is no reason for you to go out of your way to approach them. 

RE:  If you know you have wronged a friend, what’s your best advice on trying to “fix” the friendship if they’re mad at you? 

SHARI: Ask them for a one-on-one date and talk about what you did; don’t talk to them about how they should feel or what they did — keep it all about your actions and your feelings.

RE: Do you have any thoughts on how female friendships differ from male friendships? Men don’t seem as affected by losing a friend. But for females, it’s heartbreaking!  

SHARI: Having never travelled in a circle of men, this is hard for me to answer. But as an outside observer, when male friendships end, the other friends don’t seem to care or be as affected as women often are when they see other women losing friendships — which makes it harder for us women. The gossip that occurs from other friends about our friendship breakups can be more painful than the breakup itself.

On a side note, I just happened to watch Season 1, Episode 4 of Seinfeld, where Jerry breaks up with a male friend, which looked pretty awkward!  

RE: I hate when I’m at a party and people say, “We should get together,” and then we see them a year later and it’s the same, “We should get together!” Personally, I hate that because we know it’s never going to happen. It's just a platitude. Thoughts? 

SHARI: Start calling people out on it. Call them and set a date!

RE: Final question! Give us a couple of tips on how ALL of us can be better friends! Also, because this is a book-themed newsletter, what are you reading right now?)

SHARI: 1. Decide you are going to love your friend in her entirety, faults and all. Don’t just love part of a person.

2. Set date. Challenge yourself to meet with five friends that you have not seen in a while over the course of the new year. Hold yourself accountable, and meet the challenge. 

I just finished The Midnight Library by Matt Haig.