Think before you ink! The pros and cons of personal writing

You own everything that happened to you. Tell your stories. If people wanted you to write warmly about them, they should have behaved better." —Anne Lamott

I actually don't necessarily agree entirely with the above quote, but allow me to digress...

Very recently, I met a mother for the first time. My son wanted a playdate with her son. We got to chatting. I loved this mom immediately. As she was telling me about her family makeup, she said, "I should really read your book."

But...I hadn't mentioned I was a writer. I hadn't mentioned I had been in a blended family. I hadn't mentioned I had written a book on blended families. But this woman knew about my life, my family situation, and my memoir, Blissfully Blended Bullshit: The Uncomfortable Truth About Blending Families, as if we had known each other for years, and not like we had met thirty minutes earlier.

I felt that familiar jolt inside. I think, or hope, this jolt is unnoticeable to others. This was most definitely not my first go-around where I've found myself in a conversation, when someone will mention something about my life, unprompted by me, and that I hadn’t mentioned.

I've never quite got used to this entirely, thus the jolt when this happens, wondering how people know such specific things about me or my life. But it only takes a quick beat to realize, "Oh, I must have posted something about that!” Or, "I must have written about that!"

I've been writing about my life for 20 years! At this point, I consider myself a lifetime veteran of personal journalism. I've written and shared, to the entire world, my personal experiences, writing about my kids, my relationships—past and present—various happy celebrations, that I got a full-on Brazilian bikini wax before giving birth...

I have shared a ton over the years in my writings, but not everything. I would tell you what I have not shared, but, alas, I do not share everything. (Okay! Here's one surprising thing about me you didn't know; I haven't worn underwear since I was 16! Discuss!)

Make no mistake: people bringing up things about my life that I had never told them is not a bad thing! Not. At. All. One of the greatest blessings about being a personal journalist and sharing my life is that many really do think of me as a friend. I love that! Because I think of my readers as friends, I write as if I'm talking to friends! Plus, readers who feel that I'm their friend typically root for me too, in tough times and in good times. It’s not the worst thing to have your own personal cheerleaders!

It's even more of a compliment when strangers say they can relate to something I've written. I often hear from readers, "My girlfriends and I were just talking about that last night!" or "We had our babies at the same time. We got divorced at the same time! We’ve been living parallel lives for 17 years!"

It's a blessing, I think, to be able to have a platform where I can relate to people, and people can relate to me, especially when I learn I'm actually helping people with what I write. In some cases, I truly have saved people's lives. I'm not being dramatic. I'm telling you the truth.

I wrote about suffering from postpartum depression in one of my books at a time when no one else talked about it, let alone wrote about it.

I vividly remember one message from a stranger that brought me to tears. A new mother wrote to me something like, "I just finished your book. I was in a food court with my newborn and I started crying and couldn't stop. I didn't know what was happening to me. I just knew I wanted to kill myself. Because of your book, I realized I probably had postpartum depression like you and made an appointment with my doctor. Thank you for making me feel less alone. I think I really would have killed myself if I didn't know someone else hadn't also felt this way."

I often think when I write, if I can help even one person, then I'm doing my job. And by helping, I don't mean saving lives, but giving people a giggle, letting them know they're not alone, that my life isn’t perfect either.

At times, readers help me feel less alone. I once wrote a piece wondering if my multiple divorces would affect my children's view on marriage, since I was in my “third-chance” relationship. The outpouring of positive comments from hundreds of other women, on their third marriages, was eye-opening and made me feel less alone. So, thank YOU readers.

All this being said, that's not to say everyone should write so personally, or share such intimate details, especially in this day and age.

Sex and the City fans? Do you remember the episode when Miranda comes down hard on Carrie Bradshaw for quitting her long-time job and writing a personal column about her and her friends’ dating lives when she decides to move to Paris with her boyfriend Aleksandr Petrovsky? Carrie yells to Miranda, almost in tears, about her job, "No, it's not who I am. It's what I do!"

Turns out, you can take the girl out of personal writing, but you can't take the personal writing out of the girl. Or something like that. When Carrie moved back to New York, finally having her fairytale ending with Mr. Big, she went on to write books about finally finding love and another book about her first year of marriage! I mean, we never did find out if Mr. Big read her book and what he thought about them, did we?

In interviews, I'm often asked if there is anything I've ever regretted writing. I'll admit, in the thousands of (sometimes navel-gazing) personal stories I've written, there is only one I regret, which I wrote at least 15 years ago. I will not share that story because I worry you'll google it (I mean, I would!). When I look back at all the stories I've written, sharing intimate details, the only thing I may regret, sometimes, is the terrible writing! But never the topic.

I'm also asked in interviews, especially on book tours, if I worry that one day my children will read what I've written. The answer is...nope! There's nothing I've written about my kids that I wouldn't say to their faces or say to another person. Plus, my son was seven—seven!— when he asked, "What's a newspaper?” He had no clue! (Try explaining what a newspaper is to modern day kids. You won't feel like a dinosaur at all!)

I like to joke that my daughter, Rowan (now 17) has been my meal ticket in a way, because I've written so much about her for 18 years. She was the star in my first book, Knocked Up and the following two books, Wiped: Life With A Pint-Sized Dictator and Toddlers Gone Wild.

I did start asking her about two years ago if it was okay to write about something that related to her, or something that we were talking about. She has never once said, "No, I prefer if you don't write about that about me, Mama!" Not. Once.

You may think that I'm lucky, but the truth? She really doesn't give a shit about what I write, because guess what? She really has no interest in what I write! She’s too busy doing TikToks.

But there are downfalls if you choose to share your life with the public, especially nowadays. So always “think before you ink!”

Others will take issue with what you write about them, especially when you may not paint them in the best light. Even if you think, "I really didn’t write anything that bad," they still may never talk to you again, because they’re not reading it the way you intended. (We'll get to my ex-mother-in-law in a second!)

At least five times every single week, writers reach out to me wanting to write a memoir. Sometimes with these aspiring authors, I'm like, "You did not date a toothless man, started crying on a first date, and went to rehab for pot! You should totally write about your crazy life!”

Other times? I want to say, "I really don't think it's the best idea to write about how horrible your ex is. Considering you are going through a terrible custody battle right now, perhaps it's not the wisest idea to write a book or even a blog post about your ex being a total narcissist and terrible parent!"

I do try and suggest, "You're very angry right now. You may think differently about posting this two days from now, so sit on it!" It can be very cathartic to write when you're so furious, but that doesn't always mean that you should share it with the world. Write it. Go for a walk. Then see if you still want to hit "Publish!"

Sometimes I practically plead with writers to not publish a blog about their soon-to-be exes when their emotions are at an all time high (or low), mostly because their ex will no doubt see it—there is always someone who will let the ex know you've written about them. ALWAYS! And that could potentially not work in their favour, especially if they're in the middle of a messy divorce and custody battle. Do you really want to piss your ex off more right now (or in some cases a judge)? Or maybe you don't care. You do you!

But, I always tell writers to "think five steps ahead" of what could happen if they publish that personal memoir—to think about who will read it, to think about how they could react, even though the best memoirs are the ones that are completely authentic.

I do think that some writers need a reminder to think of what could happen if they share their lives so publicly. Again, maybe you don't care. I usually don’t. My parents (and their friends) found out I was drunk when I got pregnant with Rowan through my writing.

My parents (and their friends) found out I was looking for a one-night stand when I first met my son's father, reading details about how my clothes came off and where we had sex.

Parents of my kid's friends read that! Some of my kid's teachers read that! My parents, just like everyone else, know about my life through what I've written, not what I've told them.

There was only one time I gave my parents a heads-up about a column that was coming out the next day. I had participated in a wet T-shirt contest. (Need I say more?) Other than that? I really don’t care what they think. Others, however, do!

My ex mother-in-law (one of my son's grandmothers) hasn't talked to me in years after Blissfully Blended Bullshit came out—even after I pleaded, numerous times, for her to just be civil for the sake of my son, before giving up on her.

Honestly? I don't see it as a loss. I don't regret what I wrote, including Nana saying to me, pretty much, that she could never love my daughter as much as my son because my daughter wasn’t biologically related to her. Well, she did say it, and the memoir is my truth (backed with a shitload of receipts!).

Nana, and my son's father (and maybe all my exes) loved my truthful writing and never minded me writing about them, until after we broke up. Only then did they decide they didn't like my truthful writing and minded me writing about them. Shocking, I know!

Apparently, Nana will never speak to me again for fear she’ll say something and then I’ll write about it, which brings me to another weird thing about personal journalism: It’s always the dullest and most boring people who worry about this. The most interesting people, however, tend not to give a shit.

Again, I do not see Nana not talking to me as a loss for various reasons. And, of course, I will hear from my son's father about this! (Again, there is always someone who will let them know you’ve written about them!)

But other writers may not want to ruffle family members! It’s a tricky place to be in, wanting to share your truths but also worrying about other people's reactions, which is why I tend to write as if no one will ever read what I've written, even if I know it will be published.

That being said, maybe because I’m older and wiser, but when it comes to people I really care about, or people I really respect, and they know I’m a writer and I worry that they may worry I’ll write about them, I will now always start conversations with, “Don’t worry, this will remain between me and you. I promise.”

I don’t say this to only make them feel comfortable, but to make me feel comfortable as well. I, too, share things with people, even strangers, that I don’t want to get out either.

As for why I don't entirely agree with the quote at the very top? Two reasons! First, ask yourself this: Even if they did behave badly, are you willing to take the risk writing about it and potentially losing someone you like in your life? Again, you do you! I do me!

Second, these days some people—with too much time on their hands and too much money in their pocket—are just so litigious and will try to scare you. The moment they see something they may not like, it’s all, "I'm going to sue you!” To me, I'd be like, “Go ahead! I write the truth! You want to try and prove the truth wrong and for it to become public record? Let's do it!”

And I always get my books vetted by lawyers to cover my ass (and you should too!). But I do suggest, if you want to write and share your life, to at least, again, "think before you ink!"

I also don't always believe the saying, “All press is good press!” I’ll save that for another time!

Until then...

Flip your hair and flip the page!

And don’t forget to enter the re:book’s “Write Away Summer” contest for the chance to get your memoir published by a prestigious publishing house. (For real!)

xo Rebecca