I secretly do this during wedding speeches, and I now have a reputation

Sure, I was a little tipsy…

But at a wedding over the summer, while editing the speeches in my head listening to the numerous speeches at the reception, at one point I leaned into My Guy and whispered into his ear, “We can't have speeches at our wedding — no fucking way. I say we veto speeches!”

He didn’t NOT disagree.

I can’t count the number of times relatives have asked me to look over their speeches for events — anniversary parties, bar mitzvahs, their friends’ milestone birthdays — saying, “You’re the writer in the family!”

Well, I’m not an expert in writing everything. If I were, I’d offer you a haiku right now.

That said, I do tend to “edit" speeches as they’re happening in real time. (I know, right? You do not want to live in a writer or editor's brain.)

But let’s rewind…

For fun, and I’ve said this before, I used to compose pretend dating profiles in my head, imagining what they would say if I were to go on dating apps.

Providing more than just surface information like, “I’m witty. I’m creative. I’m outgoing. I like pizza!” my brutally candid profile would read something like this:

“Looking for a serious relationship, possibly marriage. Mid-forties. Two divorces. Two children, from two different fathers. Kids will always come first. Looking for a man to be with, but only when I feel like it. You cannot talk to or look at me for 45 minutes after I wake up…or I’ll kill you. I can’t cook. I get a lot of parking tickets. There is always a smear of toothpaste on my bathroom mirror. I look at my phone at least 134 times a day. I leave wet towels on the bed. I also snack in bed, so you’ll find crumbs during foreplay. Oh, yeah, I’m a writer, so will likely use you as material.”

Dear Lord, do you see how bad I am on paper? How could I possibly look good on paper in a wedding speech?

Since this newsletter is about recommending books, writing and publishing, and giving advice to all types of writers, aspiring or otherwise, I thought I’d delve into the dos and don’ts of writing the perfect wedding speech by asking Wendy Dennis — an author, award-winning journalist and the top speechwriter in Canada — for her top three wedding speech tips, a must-read in the section below. (Seriously, her advice on writing speeches is awesome. Take a screenshot...or hire her!)

Now that I’m at the stage in life where my friends are getting re:married, or their children are getting engaged/married, let’s just say I've listened to a number of speeches — speeches that I also happen to be “editing” in my brain as I listen to whoever is speaking.

During a virtual wedding a few months ago, I listened to a joint couple’s speech toasting another couple, and my “editing mind" thought, “So you’re sure these two are meant to be because your dog, Pumpkin, who you’re telling us is adorable and only seven pounds and just celebrated her third birthday, liked the bride immediately? That’s why you think they were meant to be? And why do I now know more about your dog than about these newlyweds? {Insert mandatory clapping} You’ve buried the lead!”

("Burying the lead” is journalism lingo for “you didn't start with the most important aspect of the story,” which in this case means maybe saying something poetic about the newlyweds, or how happy you are to celebrate their union tonight…)

My “editing” speech brain also thought, “Let’s stay on topic, people! Leave your dog out and focus on the bride and groom — no offence, Pumpkin. You’re cute and all, but this evening isn't about you. (Though, the non-editing part of my brain thought it was a beautiful speech!)

Another wedding speech I edited listened to occurred a year before Covid hit. The beautiful bride’s father began his speech talking about how the newlyweds would remain happily married for the rest of their lives, then said, “BECAUSE you’ve seen us married for 50 years and your now-husband’s {pause for clapping} parents married for 50 years, too. That’s 100 years of marriage! You’ve both had great role models and have witnessed the secret to a successful marriage, which I'm sure you’ll carry on.”

To which, admittedly, I wanted to yell out, “Well, share the fucking secret with the rest of us then, why don’t you! You're saying your daughter and new son-in-law {insert clapping} are going to be married forever because of you, so there isn't going to be another wedding. Don't leave us hanging!”

Instead, I whispered to the person seated next to me, “Pass the breadbasket.” (I'm an emotional eater, and banging my head on a table full of china and glass would definitely have caused a scene.)

My “speech editing brain,” however, thought, “Wonderful! I guess me and My Guy’s children — totalling five — are fuc*ed, because they did not get to see their parents married for 50 or 100 years or, in my son’s case, even seven years.”

So, I “edited” that speech in my head to omit the exact number of years, because my guess is half the guests at that 250-people wedding were either divorced or wished they were. (You and me, we live in the same reality, right?)

So as to not make guests like me, who, again, have two children with two different men and never actually got married, feel kinda like failures, l wanted to “edit” that speech to say, “You’ve seen both sets of parents married so long. In all our years together, we've never once wanted a divorce. Murder each other? Absolutely! But never divorce."

Which would make the speech more realistic, no? And hilarious. (The non-editing part of my brain thought it was a beautiful speech!)

At another (pre-Covid) out-of-town wedding, the groom said in his speech, “I just knew there was a reason my parents moved our family to Edmonton when I was only three months old. It was ALL so I would eventually meet you, my beautiful new bride.” {Insert clapping}

My “speech editing” brain thought, “Um…isn’t that stretching it just a tad? I'm pretty sure your family could have moved to Argentina or Australia when you were three months old, and your now-wife {pause for imaginary clapping} would have found someone else to marry. And so would you! So, let's come up with another example of why you were meant to be that’s a touch more believable than because the company your father worked for asked him to relocate, kk? In which case, you should be thanking your father’s boss.” (The non-editing part of my brain still thought it was a beautiful speech!)

Oh, it seems I, myself, buried the lead here too; maybe I should have started this story by mentioning that I’m beginning to imagine my future wedding with My Guy.

So, recently, I’ve started composing pretend wedding speeches in my head instead of pretend dating app profiles (which I’ve never been on!). 

Based on my pretend (and totally honest) dating profile above — which still rings true — I wonder how I, or anyone, could spin my history, my lifestyle, and my personality into a positive light in a wedding speech? Or My Guy's life, for that matter.

This is why I'm pretty positive not sure if it’s such a great idea to have speeches at my imaginary wedding.

But that doesn't mean I — I mean we — won’t accept gifts.

Over the years, I’ve spent easily tens of thousands of dollars on other people's weddings, bridal showers, and engagement gifts. So, you better believe it’s payback time. And to make it super easy for our guests, I'd send them my email and tell them I’m all set up for direct deposit. No registry required! Why? Because you know what we really want as a wedding gift, aside from having you celebrating with us? We want to retire, k.

And as for speeches, I think I can speak on the behalf of both of us when I say, um, I think we know what our friends and family think of us by now — we are fuc*ing middle-aged, for Pete's sake. And we’re pretty positive not really sure we want every single person in the venue to also know about our funny quirks and why you think we’re good for one another.

(If you’re a golf buddy of My Guy, you should know he tells me everything. And while I personally find what you have to say totally and completely inappropriate, offensive, and laughable, I'm pretty sure 50% of our other wedding guests would cancel culture your asses right out of the venue!) 

So, My Guy’s friends canNOT make a speech unless they, um, not be themselves?

I honestly can’t stop wondering how anyone could write anything more than, “She’s a bit crazy. He’s a bit out of his mind. That's what makes them so perfect for each other. Mazel Tov to the newlyweds!” {Insert clapping}

Quite frankly, our MC might as well just introduce those making speeches at my imaginary wedding with, “And now it’s time to embarrass the bride and groom in front of everyone! First, the parents of the bride…”

I’m pretty sure my father, in his 80s, would inadvertently slut-shame me by regaling a story that would go something like, “After bringing home a number of boys since she was a teenager, I told her to stop introducing us to her boyfriends until she met the right one. Well, here we are — 25 years, 173 boyfriends, and two baby daddies later!” (Facepalm even imagining this.)

My mother, like most parents, would be like, “Well, I've never been that funny, but sure, I'm going to give it a go and try to be funny...on one of the most important night’s in my daughter's life!”

And then she'd probably make a joke that's actually NOT actually a joke, like, “I never expected THIS DAY to happen. Do I still have to chip in for this? Because we spent Becky's wedding savings funds a l-o-n-g time ago — after her second failed engagement — renovating our cottage, which looks fantastic, by the way! Oh, right, so does my daughter tonight.”

My brothers would most definitely say, “Becky finally found someone who can handle her — she’s quite a handful, as most of you know.” To which, quite frankly, because I’m me, I would jump up and edit interrupt their speech, like, “Um, I'd just like to jump in here and say that, first of all, my now-husband {insert hand clapping} does have two hands. And also, do you know what a handful he can be?” 

If we really were our authentic selves, unafraid to speak 100% candidly, my speech at my imaginary wedding (which I would read off MY PHONE because I live in the modern world), would be something like, “Yeah, I'm a little bit stoned, so I’m going to keep this really, really, short. He's smart, inelegant, and witty. Best of all? We share the same sense of humour! So, if this speech is, in any way, unfunny and totally inappropriate to you, and if you get in some way offended, please feel free to blame him. Thank you all for being here… The open bar is over there!” (See? I “edited” my imaginary speech to less than 10 seconds.)

I can’t imagine what My Guy’s oh-so-lovely family would say about welcoming me into their family of walking cookbooks and geniuses. Why? I’m domestically challenged! I consider homemade cooking mixing water with Kraft Dinner and putting it into the microwave. And even THEN, I feel more like a chemist than a cook.

(I promise you that me not caring about cooking doesn't affect your life at all, so no need to freak out!)

Sure, someone could (and should) mention how beautiful the wedding is, but I’m pretty sure certain that, aside from picking a date and venue, I can speak on behalf of both of us when I say we most likely definitely would have to hire a wedding planner because we honestly couldn’t care less about details like centrepieces.

Aside from our song, I really would  most likely show a wedding planner a gorgeous wedding featured in Vogue magazine and say, “Do that for us! Just tell us what time we need to be at the venue, and send my parents the bill. Oh, you look my size. Happen to have a white dress?” (I do think that one of the reasons I never actually got married was pure laziness. And My Guy’s life motto is, “The theory of least effort.” We obviously need to outsource our wedding.

One of the ONLY things I would want to preside over in my imaginary wedding are the speeches.

Seriously.

I don’t want My Guy to share my so-called intricacies to anyone (even if he finds them funny and endearing), let alone people I work with, other relatives I have yet to meet, and especially those who will officially become family. Also, let's be real. I did write about getting a Brazilian bikini wax before giving birth in a f*cking national magazine, which people still talk about, so what else do you really need to know about me?

Likewise, I don’t think My Guy wants me to be exactly forthright in my speech about him. Let’s just say, My Guy gave me positive reinforcement the other day after I took a shower. I'll let that sink in…

Walking into the washroom, he said to me, “You hung the towel! There are no toothpaste globs anywhere… You even put the toothbrush back into its electronic holder! I’m really so proud of you, babe. Really, I am so proud.” Then he gave me a huge hug.

And he was fucking serious, too! Do you think he’d appreciate it if I were outspoken about his other quirks in a wedding speech?

So, am I allowed to ask my best friends if I could edit or “vet" their speeches at my imaginary wedding? (Chime in with your thoughts here!)

Friends, mind you, who would say, “I love you so much! Of course I’ll write a speech for your wedding. I'm honoured!” while inwardly cringing and thinking, “Motherfucker! Talk about pressure. How can I leave a positive, lasting effect with a speech that they will remember for the rest of their lives? There are divorces. There are blended families. There’s the fact that they dated, then broke up, then got back together years later. This is confusing AF! Plus, I’m her best friend —  everything she tells me is to remain between us, right? I need wine now.” (Or a professional speechwriter!)

I’m sure someone would integrate some clichés, staying on the safe side. I don’t mind the odd one in wedding speeches, especially when they include advice like, “Whenever you’re wrong, admit it. Whenever you’re right, shut up.” (Bahahaha! Groan.)

Or, “It’s such a romantic night. Even the cake is in tiers!” (Bahahaha! Groan)

Or, “Remember, buddy, now that you two are married {insert hand clapping} my advice when you have a fight is to get in the last words, which are “Yes, Dear,” (Bahahaha! Groan) I probably would silently “edit" a speech like that to be, “Actually, the last two words of his, when we fight, should be, “I'm sorry!” and then I’d probably de-friend that person on social.

I also don’t really care to know what my kids think, since my daughter, at present, seems to call me simply to correct everything that comes out of my mouth. And my son? He is TOO honest, like most nine-year-olds. My Guy’s kids — who I adore — are in their twenties, so it’s not like I'm their new mommy. One of them is already married, so would we be taking marriage advice from our kids?

I’m a memoirist and essayist, and even I can’t think of one other type of writing, aside from wedding speeches, where there is this much pressure.

So, instead of thinking about what I’d write in my wedding speech, I’ll (try to) write a haiku:

Inevitable

I like you and I love you

You are my best friend

  (Wow that wasn’t so bad. Took me two minutes!) But I assure you, I will be hiring Wendy Dennis for help if and when I do get married. Because, unbelievably, right now I’m actually…speechless.

xo

Rebecca

(Click here for the top three elements that make up the perfect wedding speech, from Canada’s top speechwriter, Wendy Dennis!)