Chapter 4: My issues with…middle-aged “moments”
Every woman eventually experiences The Moment. The Moment is a specific place and time when you realize, “Oh, sh**t. I’m middle-aged. And everyone else must notice it too!’”
The Moment is when a middle-aged women starts feeling a sense of invisibility; they feel the world starts to tune them out; they stop wearing high heels because of complex and boring feet issues; they start wearing turtle necks to hide necks that have started to wrinkle; they turn on their left turn signal on about 10 minutes before they actually have to make the left turn; they have to scroll down a lot to click on the year they were born, while noticing that there are other people out there born after the year 2010; and as sexist as they once thought it was, they now wish they would get cat-called walking by construction sites.
They may find a single grey pubic hair, like one of my friends. She was so panicked when she noticed it down there that when she called me distressed and in tears over her Moment, I thought at first that she had just been robbed at gunpoint. She plucked it out immediately with tweezers and then cried for three days.
Why didn't anyone warn me that, along with sprinkle-like grey hairs on my head — which unfortunately grow right in the middle of my centre part, so they’re totally noticeable and the reason why I need to visit my hairdresser every eight weeks — for many women, seeing one grey pubic hair is The Moment for them?
That (grey public hair) Moment won’t ever affect me. I’ve been bare down there since I was half the age I am now, like many middle-aged women living in this modern time who have long zapped off their hair down there, so as to ensure it never grows back again.
Now, I definitely have no plans to stop getting regular Brazilian bikini waxes, not just because I really hate hair down there and don’t think I'll ever change my mind about that, but especially now that I know that greying pubic hair is actually a thing. Like most mid-life milestone moments that hit women eventually, I prefer to ignore and pretend these moments aren’t happening at all.
The Moment, for many women, isn’t really all that original; we suddenly have to wear prescription glasses, just like previous generations. Our periods start pulling vanishing acts, just like previous generations. We start asking, “What have I done with my life?” like previous generations. We pray to be carded at liquor stores, our IDs at the ready, and are then disappointed when we’re not asked…which may be why so many women need their glass, or two, of wine each night.
Yes, we drink because we are still hopeful that the next time we visit the liquor store, someone will ask us for ID.
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but hitting mid-age isn't all that original. It’s like how every new generation of teenagers thinks they invented blow jobs. We all know this is not true, not that I want you thinking of your great-grandmother giving blow jobs, or your dad getting blow jobs, but chances are high that they have either performed or been on the receiving end of this act in their lifetime.
I don't care if you’re in your 40s, 50s, 60s, or 70s or 80s — can we all just agree that 30 is the new anything-above-30? Since it's not out of the question nowadays to live until you’re 100, it’s entirely possible that we’ll soon hear that “100 is the new 90!”
I think I know The Moment I hit mid-age. But it’s tricky. First, there are mini-moments, like realizing I have what I now call my “juicy boobs.” One day, as I was running up a flight of stairs at home braless, I was holding my two fuller and bigger jiggly boobs in my hands so they didn’t flop around. I’m not joking — this is not a joking matter — but I really did one day wake up with boobs that now tingle and just feel, well, juicy.
There was another mini moment that quickly followed. I realized I had started to lift my “juicy boobs" while showering, in order to wash underneath them. No one had ever mentioned to me that one day, I would have to hold my boobs up while showering.
The real Moment for me actually happened over a period of one month. About a year ago, not one but two gentlemen reached out, asking me out on a coffee date. I'm sure your immediate reaction is, “Isn't that flattering to have two men flirting with you?”
Well, both of these men were in their 70s. Now, I’m not saying these men aren’t young at heart or look closer to my dad’s age than mine (70 is the new 50!), but The Moment hit me when I realized, “Obviously if they’re asking me out, they must think I am, and look, age-appropriate to them.”
So, The Moment for me was realizing that it's not at all creepy for men in their 70s to ask me, or any other woman in the 40-plus age range, out on a date.
While it may make men feel young to ask someone 30 years younger out, that was The Moment when I no longer felt young. I think I may have even been insulted.
For many women, when they hit mid-age, they feel like they have to learn something new to keep feeling young. But, frankly, I don't feel like I have to do any more learning, like sewing or gardening, or taking up jazz dancing. I’m good, thanks.
I do think I have found the secret to not being middle-aged, which will not be a popular opinion. Basically, I ignore all doctor appointments, tune out when others start to talk about their upcoming doctor appointments or medical exams, like sleep tests, or a host of other “maybe” medical concerns, which may or may not be concerns at all.
I don't want to hear about people’s medical appointments, which I have noticed seems to be a topic in every conversation I find myself in. I want to be sympathetic, I do, but mostly I want to cover my ears and yell, “La-la-la, I can’t hear you!”
Frankly, I don't even want to hear about indigestion.
My doctor has been giving me referrals for a couple years for various appointments to err on the side of caution. I simply ignore them. All of them! And, yes, I’m sure many reading this will say, “I can’t believe you’ve never gotten a mammogram!” which I realize will be another unpopular view. But, it’s my life, and I figure if I don’t go to any appointments, then I won’t find out any potential bad news or “maybe” concerns. I mean, if you look long enough, some doctor will find something for you to be concerned about, which is why I just don’t show up for appointments at all. I prefer to have my head in the sand, thank you very much!
Also, if you wait long enough, because, again 30 is the new anything-above-30, rules have evolved from previous generations. Now, you are no longer required, although it is still recommended, to get a mammogram until you turn 50. I'm not there yet. And since, again, people are living longer, maybe by the time I actually turn 50, the medical community will raise that age number again.
Weirdly, I get oddly offended when people tell me I look so young for my age and that my 18-year-old daughter and I look like “twins”. It is impossible for me and my daughter to look like twins considering I’m 30 years older. And if you're telling me I look “so young” for my age, or that my daughter and I look like sisters, I just want to shoot back, “You're either a saint or a liar.”
Basically, I live my BEST LIFE by choosing to ignore and tune out anything age-related. If a mid-age moment happens in a forest, and no one’s there to witness it, did it really happen at all?
I recently found myself watching a horror show, which was really a webinar, on how to dress for your age. As soon as I heard “No more heels” I logged off.
Obviously, this stylist hosting the seminar hadn't heard that the new 30 is now any age above 30. Plus, even though I may not wear high heels all that often, who was this woman deciding that I can no longer wear heels? Again, I’m only too happy to remain perfectly in the dark about fashion rules or what I should get “checked out” simply because of my age.
Most women I know? We may not look like our teenage offspring, but we definitely could “borrow" from their closets. And we do. And we also share the same crushes on some musicians or celebrities. There is nothing I won't wear because of my age — just a lot of items I now know better than to spend my money on.
And sure, I still talk like my teen daughter once in a while. I do say, "I can't even…" a lot. Sometimes there’s just no better way to express a reaction.
There may be a natural succession of age, but maturity? The way I look at it, getting old is optional, especially as I mentioned, if you just tune out or ignore anyone talking about anything to do with being middle-aged. In my opinion, you shouldn’t even be reading this if you're middle-aged.
People talk and write about mid-age like it’s some kind of plague they are desperately trying to fight off. But if you’re like me and, aside from hitting your first Moment and staying away from anything that reminds you of age, then you can live a happy existence not thinking about age at all.
Frankly — and I recognize that when I say this, most people don't understand — I'm not sure I want to live to be 100. But I have almost fifty years to think about it. Or rather, not think about it.