Not all press is good press (and I know this for a fact)

“I don’t even have Facebook, Twitter or Instagram. Why would I ever want to be viral when I'm not even on the Internet?” — Mila Kunis

How I Went Viral Before “Going Viral” Had Gone Viral

I’ve never quite entirely bought into “Any press is good press,” "There's no such thing as bad publicity” or, “As long as they spell your name right!” — all proverbs that, in the publishing world, means getting media attention, even if it's controversial or a negative book review, because, hey, at least it’s garnering attention.

I can tell you from personal experience that not “all press is good press,” and there is actually such a thing as bad publicity. I know this because I have gone “viral.” 

Rather, a number of stories I’ve written over the years have gone viral. (Keep reading to find out which of my stories landed my face on Inside Edition.)

After one personal story I wrote went viral, my brother called to say, “What's going on? I just saw your name on a banner on CNN!” 

He was living in Israel at the time.

Ironically, as he called I was debating whether I should pack up, book a flight to Israel, and stay on a kibbutz for the rest of my life, living a happy existence plucking apples from trees. (The other option was to dig a hole in my backyard I could crawl into and hibernate for a few years.)

Going viral — “Becoming very popular by sharing something that circulates and spreads quickly from person to person, especially through social media.” — isn't all it's cracked up to be.

I know, I know. You’re thinking being a “popular" writer must be a good thing. Well…not always.

How I Went Viral the First Time Around

In fact, I think I was going viral before the word “viral” had even gone viral. Going viral, nowadays, is a little more complicated, because it's based on a number of factors: likes, views, shares, retweets, and analytics.

My daughter, Rowan, turned 18 a couple days ago. So, I recently posted a photo on Facebook of a old edition of the National Post — 18 years to be precise — where the entire top banner on the front page read, “REBECCA ECKLER IS PREGNANT” along with featuring a younger — 18-year-old, to be precise — photo of me.

A number of people reached out saying how they remember that edition.

“Yeah, I saw that front page at the same time everyone else did,” I wrote back to one social media friend, who immediately messaged back, “You have to write about how you found out about that headline!” 

So, here I am writing about it. Also, because of that headline, my pregnancy had gone viral across Canada.

Readers didn’t realize I had no say in the placements of any stories I wrote, nor do people realize I wasn’t even given a head's up! So, my immediate reaction to seeing my face with the announcement that I was pregnant on the front page of a national newspaper was, candidly, to puke. (And not from morning sickness!)

Within hours of waking up, people had sent congratulatory messages, flowers, and baby swag. Like many others, I, too, thought, “Why is this so newsworthy? I had unprotected sex and I got pregnant? What's the biggie?”

Years later, I asked an editor of the National Post from that dinosaur era why they placed my pregnancy so prominently. “Because you wrote about it and because you had a following and we knew people would read and talk about it,” was their exact answer. (I wrote about the importance of having followers to get a book deal here!)

People did read it. People did talk about it. I became…the laughing stock of fellow journalists across the country, who made complete fun of the fact that my pregnancy was worthy of the front page. 

Barbara Amiel, author of Friends and Enemies (her memoir is must-read!) and Conrad Black’s wife, sent me such a supportive and encouraging email that I put her on a pedestal of “Women Supporting Women.” I think she, too, would agree that sometimes “all press is not good press.”

Readers cancelled subscriptions because they are judgmental assholes I was pregnant but not “technically” married. I kid you not! (Meh. Lose a couple hundred subscribers, keep a couple hundred thousand dedicated subscribers.)

The editor was, in hindsight, so ahead of their time. They just didn’t have the right vocabulary for the tactic they were going for — which, flash forward to present-day, is now called “engagement.” In publishing, “engagement” is everything. If all these social media platforms had existed back then, my pregnancy — and the way it was announced — would have garnered likes, dislikes, mentions, comments, click, shares and retweets — in other words, the audience would be engaged. (I may have even turned into a GIF. How fun!)

I would have also been described as an “influencer,” a person who exerts their ability to influence potential buyers of a product or service by promoting it — in that case, I would have 100% been an influencer of…pregnancy. For real!

I know of at least six followers who decided to get pregnant based on that front-page announcement. They told me so. Although kind of odd, there are worse reasons to have a baby.

Rowan also made it into the top 100 baby names in Canada for the first time ever two years after I named my daughter Rowan. (It’s a solid name, isn’t it?)

Okay, here’s a truly negative experience of a story I wrote going viral.

Why Going Viral Is NOT Always Good

I was out to dinner a few years ago, when suddenly my phone started blowing up with friends screaming, “I just saw you on Inside Edition!”

Which, if you’ve ever been in a restaurant and have received multiple calls about something this huge, you know how it feels to throw down $100 bill, even though you just ordered a couple of drinks, because you need to race home and figure out what the f**k is going on, while simultaneously thinking about how many of your friends watched Inside Edition and regretting having missed out on those mini-taco appetizers you’ve been looking forward to all week.

And then you get home and wait for the show to repeat — it doesn't stream live — because not one of the 102 people who reached out to you could actually remember exactly what was said except that it was about you leaving your baby to go on vacation.

And then when you finally see the show and it’s…so much worse?

Yup. 

I was one of the lead stories on Inside Edition, which bills itself as a news magazine but, really, is the worst of the tabloid television shows. The story was based on a blog I wrote. I was horrified!

(Although one could argue, “Rebecca! Don’t be so negative. When else is your name going to be uttered in the same sentence as Prince Harry!”  Which it was. 

Prince Harry — Pre-Meghan Markle — had been caught playing a game of pool with his pals naked. Apparently what I had written was just as scandalous.

Then I actually watched the show, for the first time in my life, only to see a couple photos of my face covering the entire large screen TV with the heading, “Mother Ditches Baby!”

It was like watching a horror film that quickly turned into a Borat movie. It was so unbelievable that this could happen to me that it became unbelievably hilarious, aside from the fact that this kind of media attention was so very not good (I didn’t even give them permission to use any photo of me. They grabbed them from my FB page!)

Since I had written books on parenting, was still writing about parenting, and was considered a “parenting expert,” how could this — “Mother Ditches Baby!” — fall under the clicé, "All press is good press?” 

The blog I wrote — which led me to realize how many friends secretly watched Inside Edition — was how I left my then 10-week-old son to go on vacation with his father.

I jokingly did write that I “ditched” my baby because, well, he was just an adorable blob who I believed wouldn't give a shit if I left him for a handful of days because he was just an adorable blob.

But I also wrote that he would be taken care of by his loving grandmother and a full-time caregiver, which the media entirely neglected purposely left out to mention!

In fact, I had already BEEN on that vacation and was back at home when the American site published that piece. (Spoiler Alert! The kid didn’t remember a thing. If he ends up in therapy later in life, it will be because I love to embarrass him during virtual learning by popping in and saying, “Hi everyone, I’m Holt’s mom!” every so often.)

I Was Plastered All Over North American TV and I Have Clickbait to Thank

ABC news was first to pick up on this “Eckler Ditching Baby Story,” based on the numerous comments that came flooding in. People were commenting like batshit crazy — again, this is now called “engagement” — so ABC sent a news crew to my house. Sure, I thought, I’m willing to talk about leaving my baby if it opens up a dialogue and lets other moms know it’s okay to go out for a goddam girls night or a date night with your partner. 

Again, I was trying — but obviously failed miserably — to get across that it’s okay to leave your baby for a night out. Relax, moms!

Now is the perfect moment to mention “clickbait” articles because this is a perfect example…and probably how I missed my mini-taco appetizer in the first place. 

Most who do not work in the media don't know that it’s highly unusual for the writer to come up with the headlines to their pieces. That's the editor’s job. Clickbait means the headline is so intriguing that you can’t help but “click” to read.

The site my story was published on was brilliant, with their over-the-top, clickbaity headlines intended to trigger FOMO (Fear of Missing Out).

“I'm Leaving My 10 Week-Old to Go on Vacation,” was the headline the editor came up with. Doesn’t it make it sound like I was leaving my barely 3-month-old baby to fend entirely for himself, change his own diapers, sterilize his own bottles, and soothe himself to sleep?

In fact, research has shown that clickbait works, in part, because the promise of such a compelling article activates a particular dopamine pathway in our brains. So, when you read a headline like, “This Is How I Lost 5 pounds Overnight!" Dopamine is released and creates an anxious feeling that if you don't read this article, you’re going to miss out on one of life’s greatest unsolved mysteries. (So, THAT’S why I get sucked into reading stories like, “Do These Three Things to Your Eyebrows! You Won't Believe the Results.” It’s how human brains are wired.) 

One recent study also revealed the most effective headlines are ones that are polarizing.

And it was polarizing; either mothers didn't see the big deal OR they were adamant that they would never do such a horrid thing!

Next, I found myself as a TOPIC on Good Morning America, which held a panel including a doctor and a Real Housewife discussing my article (I know, fucking insane right?) — one I had whipped up in less time it took the host to get her makeup done.

The doctor did admit no one could say with 100% certainty how much a few days away from your baby would matter, if at all. But only after chirping, “I’m a mother before I’m a doctor, and as a mother, no way would I leave my baby,” to which I wanted to scream, “Well, you seemed to leave your child and your patients to be on Good Morning America, while I'm holding my baby right now. So I'd say you’re thirsty for fame first, then you’re a mother, then you're a doctor. But that’s just my opinion!”

The of the ex Real Housewives, Jill Zarin, backed me up by saying, “…I think that it’s a little bit hypocritical if the husband or wife had to go away for work after 10 weeks…so I don’t really see it as a big deal.” (Aside from how she treated Bethany, this is why I have a soft spot for her; and btw, based on the latest boring and super annoying season, I’d totally ask her back.)

So, there on Good Morning America was some doctor telling America how she thinks my decision to go away was influenced by the fact it was my second child, before going on again to pass judgement repeat how she wouldn’t leave her baby for a “non-work related luxury vacation” before finally shutting her trap saying, “I don’t pass judgement on any mother who's doing the best they can.” Which basically alludes to the idea that it’s okay to leave your baby, but only for work, and also that I wasn’t doing the best I could?

I wanted to ask, “Is being on GMA diagnosing someone you’ve never met based on a 750-word blog part of a doctor’s job?”

What is now called “Fake News” propelled this already-viral story. It was that doctor on GMA who uttered “luxury vacation.” I never wrote those words (although it was totally a luxury vacation!)

Then the Canadian media caught wind of this a few days later. All hell broke loose again, forcing me, again, to consider moving on a kibbutz to live a happy existence plucking apples from trees.

Today’s Parent covered it. The Globe and Mail covered it. It was up on ABC.com, Yahoo News, CTV, as well as every little new television show in America. 

Do you know what station KXYL is? No? You shouldn't because it’s in Spokane. Even they covered it, and I don’t know where Spokane is, to be quite honest. Is it North Washington State? South? East? West?

And then all it took was one asshole to comment that I was “boasting” about leaving my baby.  

Suddenly, the story was now about me boasting about ditching my baby to go on a luxury vacation.

The clickbait headlines went like this: 

“How Rebecca Eckler Left Her Newborn for a Vacation”

“Blogger Takes Heat for 'Ditching' Baby to Go on Vacation”

“Rebecca Eckler Left Her 10-Week-Old Baby to Vacation in Mexico!”

“Popular ‘mommy blogger’ Under Fire for Taking Vacation Weeks After Giving Birth!”

What I Refused to Do No Matter What

Do you know what else happens when you go viral? People diagnose you. It was as if everyone who took a high-school course in psychology had become an expert on me.

Readers diagnosed me with Postpartum Depression. Commenters questioned how much breast milk I left behind (um, none. I didn’t breastfeed). Strangers, possibly from f*cking Spokane, diagnosed me with anxiety and suggested I should be on medication.

One female writer for MSN wrote that I also had another child by another man, which is true but had absolutely nothing to do with the story, painting me out to be a hot mess.

I did call her out on this, as did many others who commented, “Why does her having two children from two different men matter?” It didn't take this writer very long to take that out from her original article. Which frankly, I thought was even more pathetic. 

I was taking heat all across North America for almost two weeks, and this writer couldn’t take heat from a handful of commenters who disagreed with her for a few hours?

This is now widely known as “Cancel Culture,” which I’m not exactly a fan of. Who knows? Maybe her boss also found what she added offensive? It was unseemly and insulting to women who, you know, move on with their lives after divorce.

The one thing I never did throughout all the times I went viral was apologize. I stood my ground in the face of all this negative press, and I never said I was sorry, like so many seem to do instantly nowadays if they get even a tad negative press.

Maybe I have to give a pass to those who spun the story, left out important details, and added untruths. Studies have shown that 6/10 people share headlines on social media without reading the actual article.

Then the most wonderful thing happened! Paris Hilton was arrested, and suddenly I no longer mattered. (Thank you, Paris!)

So, be careful what you wish for. If a story or book you write does go viral and not in a positive light, you may miss out on those mini-taco appetizers you had been looking forward to all week.

xo

Rebecca